Thursday, November 14, 2013

Almost another year without her

My Sweet Angel Baby, In just a few days time I'll be three years away from you. I still miss you so much, most days I carry you with me and I'm okay with where we are. Some days I'm not. Jenna misses you too. Tonight... out of the blue, she started sobbing for you. Gut wrenching sobs for the baby sister she never met! It tore me apart. She's talked about you before, but this was the first time she's really grieved, she was just over two when you were born, but she misses your presence in our lives. We all do. Carter will grow up knowing you too, I'll keep your memory alive in our family. I promise! I love you, Mommy.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Still Breathing... Still Grieving

These past few days have been hard... I really don't know why, what has set my mood spiralling downward, and has brought tears to my eyes yet again. I just miss her so much! Always. Some days more than others, but she's never far from my thoughts! I've turned to blogging yet again in hopes of finding comfort. I've been reading from my blog list again, and looking for something.... What exactly I don't know, I want to see that everyone is doing well... but part of me wants to see people like me, that sounds selfish, of course I wish there was no one else in my shoes. But there is a part of me who needs to know that someone else is feeling what I am. That it's okay for me to fall backwards again............. I know it never ends, I understand that... it just surprises me when grief rears it's ugly head, just when I think my life is back on track, and that mourning her has become something I can manage.... I miss my baby all over again. :(

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Nope, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth! I've started quite a few posts in the past few months, but can't seem to finish them. Maybe this will just be another one added to my file! Life has been good, hectic, but overall good! Ken and I just spent 5 nights in Vegas... so much fun, and although it was stressful leaving my babies for that amount of time, it was also much needed!! I've been running with a pretty short fuse lately, and find myself expecting too much from Jenna. I have to remind myself constantly that she's only four, and she's going to test my boundaries. She's so darn smart, and most of the time she's absolutely adorable. I find it funny how the traits I love to see in her (she's independent and stubborn) are also the traits that drive me the craziest from day to day! Carter is a sweet tempered little man, and his toothy little grin melts my heart every time he flashes it. He's growing like mad, in fact he's a monster... he's wearing sleepers that are 18-24 months, and he weighs about 25lbs! Makes for very tired arms if I have to lug him around for any length of time. Lately he's sporting a very stylish corrective helmet... well actually it sucks, but I ordered a camouflage one, so nobody can see it (when he's sitting in a pile of leaves).... but it gets a lot of stares when we're out in public. Part of the problem with having a big baby that likes to sleep is that he doesn't move around enough at night, in fact no matter how I moved him, propped him, switched him around in the crib, he would end up in exactly the same sleep position, and his head is a tad bit, well... ahem.. flat. No problem if he always has a thick head of hair, but judging from his gene pool, he's likely going to go bald, maybe even at an early age. So we went ahead with the helmet. Poor little man needs to wear it for 23 hours a day for the next five months or so! Luckily he actually doesn't seem to mind it! I'll post pictures someday soon, I promise! I tell myself that with all the things that could have been wrong with my baby, this is minor! Kristen's angelversary is fast approaching, and it's been weighing heavily on me... I don't know what to do this year. I know we'll do a balloon release, and have some sort of cake or cupcakes for her... I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have extended family involved, or if it's something I want to do with just me and the kids (Ken's offshore this year) I have just over aweek to figure it out anyway. Here's piture of my little man from about two months ago, I really need to move some more off my camera, just not tonight! The little girl on the right is his cousin, and on the left is a neighbours baby.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Every life is a miracle.... whether we're here for a spark, or a flame that lasts 90 years or more. With tears streaming down my face, I thank God for all of my children. Jenna, Kristen, and Carter.... they truly are miracles, I had to fight for each and every one of them to join us here, and am so thankful that two of my babies are on earth with me! Four years ago today, my eldest was born. She's beautiful, and stubborn, and fiercly independant! She makes each day an adventure, full of laughter and amazement. I love her with a love I didn't know I was capable of, until I became a Mother! Happy Birthday my Sweet little girl!!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Wow! I've become a HORRIBLE blogger! I try to sneak on to read every day or so, but haven't had the energy to post an update recently! We're all here, all doing well! Everyone is growing, happy, and healthy! Mr. Man is sleeping through the night which makes me one very thankful Mommy! Our nighttime is typically both kids in bed between 7 and 7:30... Carter wakes around 6am for a bottle, and then sleeps again until 8 or 9, and Jenna is still up bright and early at 7am! This morning it was 6:56 to be exact.. and most mornings are the same! I could set a clock by that girl! So I really don't have much excuse for not being more present on here, other than being busy and tired most of the time! :) (good complaint really!) I sometimes still worry about Carter's development, the docs had me so convinced that there was going to be something wrong with him! I have to remind myself that his cousin who's 3 and a half weeks older, is actually 10 wks older gestationally... big differance there! So far he's smiley and talkative, so I don't think I have much to be afraid of... but it's one of those niggling fears in the back of my head, that I wanted to say out loud.. or write on a blog at least! It doesn't matter anyway, he's here and growing, and my heart could burst with the love I have for all of my babies, here and in heaven! So a friend of mine asked me if it was okay to honor Kristen in a memorial garden that was being built this summer for all of the children that have been lost in our area. The school that Jenna and Carter will attend built a new playground last month, and they decided that they were going to include the afformentioned garden. Of course I said yes! I'm so pleased that she thought of us, and Kristen's name will be added on a plaque along with a flower that has been planted in her memory! I missed the dedication, I had a sick kiddy that day... but will be posting pictures once the plaque is put in place. What an awesome awesome gesture! It truly meant so much to me! Especially to have her name at the school she should have attended with her sibblings! I fill up every time I think about it!
My silly girl who won't stay still for a picture unless she gets to make a face at the camera! :)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

One Year, Six Months, One Week, and Three Days

I'm going to start this post in the same manner as the one I wrote almost a year ago... thanking Angie at Still Life. This second round of Where I Am Right Now, gave me an opportunity to reflect on my grief and how far I've come in the last year. Kristen is still on my mind daily, it no longer hurts physically to think of her, well, not all of the time anyway! She's tucked into my heart and has become a part of me. Last year we were in the midst of a fertility cycle which led to a CRAZY pregnancy, I fought tooth and nail from nearly day one to bring my son home with us, the whole time thinking that if she had been here with us, I wouldn't have even tried to get pregnant again. I miss her, but I love my new baby.... it's a strange balance! In some ways I think it's easier for me having a baby boy now. I think I would have spent more time comparing a baby sister to what Kristen might have been. I still find myself doing that with the milestones her older sister meets, having a boy is just so different. I'll always wonder what she would have been like, what kind of baby she would have been, and what her personality would have been like. But I'm glad to say that at this point, I'm doing alright, I wouldn't have guessed last year, that this is where another year would find me!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A year and a half

The 19th of May hit me hard. I miss you still, sometimes more than ever. I was a weepy mopey mess all week without really knowing why, then I looked at the calendar. A year and a half without you, how can so much time have slipped past?! The day before the 19th a little girl was talking to me at Jenna's swimming lessons, she told me that her name was Sophie and that she was 6. "Is your name Kristen?" She asked me so innocently.... "No, It's Sherri" But I have a baby named Kristen, I so badly wanted to tell her. But how do you explain an angel baby to a six year old. Of all the names she could have asked was mine! I'll never forget about you sweet little baby of mine... even when 60 and a half years have slipped by, you'll still have your special place in my heart!