Thursday, December 29, 2011

Finally get to see some Flower Girl Pics!

One of the hardest things for me to miss while on bedrest was the wedding that Ken and Jenna stood in this October. The only picture I've seen of that wedding was from further away, and not the clearest. FINALLY the bride has added some of her pics to facebook, and I'm stealing them to share because I'm so darn proud of my little girl!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Not to be a downer on Christmas but..............

Bleh.
This has to be the worst Christmas Eve in my books, okay nope.. last year won out for obvious reasons, but I was in a cacoon of grief and barely recognized the fact that it actually was Christmas.
This year, Ken's working until Monday, we have plans to make that our Christmas Eve, and do our dinner on Tuesday. Which leaves me here tonight more homesick than I've been since moving here... missing my husband, missing Kristen, and SOOOO SICK of being helpless. My MIL is here tonight too in an equally shitty mood because this really should be Christmas Eve, and we're too mopey to even pretend like we feel like celebrating. I know that she's sick of this whole situation too... let's face it, she's tired of living up here taking care of me and Jenna, and just wants her life back to normal as well. It's been nearly 12 weeks of this, and we're exhausted!
I've mentioned my rational brain last post, and it's still there, telling me that I'm doing this for a good reason, and that this situation is only temporary. But it does nothing to make me feel good about tonight. sigh.
Anyway, look forward to a happier post from me in a couple of days when I finally have my hubby back, and we can pretend like we're celebrating Christmas like a normal family! Sorry to be such a baby tonight, but this is the only place I truly feel safe venting!
Love to all.. and truly, I hope you are having a Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Sorry everyone... 28 weeks 4 days (blush)

Wow, didn't mean to get ahead of myself, I reread my post before publishing, but obviously not the title! Thanks for the support though!

29 weeks 4 days and all is well!

I had my weekly appt yesterday, and thankfully all is going well! My cervix is still measuring 2cms which is perfectly fine.. thanks Mr Cerclage (or maybe Mrs) for doing your job! And Carter now weighs roughly 2 1/2 lbs! Grow baby grow! Now that I've past 28 wks I'm allowed to sit at the table from my meals from now on! Yayyyyy no turkey dinner on the couch!
Ken doesn't get home this year until Boxing Day, so I've rigged Jenna's advent calendar so that she runs out of choclates that night, and that's when Santa is going to visit our house! lol! The worst thing about this whole bedrest scenario is that I would normally throw myself into baking and running around to take my mind off of spending Christmas here and not in Alberta...... but now all I have to do is lay around and think of the family and friends I'm not going to see this year (pity party for moi!) My rational brain knows that even if I wasn't on bedrest, this year would be spent here in NL. But I don't always think with that part of my brain!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I have been MIA lately, but didn't realise it has almost been a month since my last post! I've still been reading just about every night, and have (finally) been able to start commenting again! Thanks Lauren for the comments, and prompting me to actually sit down and write this post! I love knowing that you are out there cheering me on as we go through this battle!! Funny term for a pregnancy, but that's what I feel the last seven months have truly been.... definitely a battle worth fighting though!
I'm 27 wks as of yesterday! Things have been going good since the cerclage was put in place, and my cervix has remained steady. I'm allowed to come downstairs in the morning now, and go up again at bedtime, but still have to remain strictly on the couch. I can't imagine staying like this for another couple of months, but obviously I'll do whatever is best for Carter, and try to keep him safe inside me for as long as possible! I love this little man so much, and as we get closer to a safe outcome, even if he were to arrive early, I feel more and more confident. Every day I have with him is truly a blessing!
I'm glad we have most of the baby stuff that we'll need, because even though my confidence is rising.... I still fear the worst.. I know that if he were to arrive now, his chances of surviving are pretty good, but part of me is still so scared that it won't be enough! I haven't bought anything for him just yet, and don't know when I'll have the confidence to do that. All he'll really need is clothes, and diapers and such, so it's not so bad... not like I have to order any furniture, or purchase any bigger items. I know that if he were to arrive this early, we'd have time to shop for him while he's in the NICU (not the outcome I'm hoping for) I'd much rather get to 36 weeks, and bring home a full term little man!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

A day of tears and memories.....

Happy Heavenly Birthday my Angel! If I had control over today, things would be different, we'd be having a party to celebrate your life. As it is, I'm stuck in bed and it really just makes today more difficult. We did release your balloon this morning... Daddy picked one out for you yesterday, you may already have it, as I don't think heaven is all that far away! I came downstairs today, and disobeyed orders so that I could be a part of your balloon release, and later, after supper... we'll have cupcakes for you. Please know that I wanted more for today... and that I'm spending every moment of today remembering your sweet little face! You are so loved, and so missed baby girl!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Jenna! xoxoxoxoxo

Saturday, November 12, 2011

23 Weeks!

For someone with nothing but time on her hands, I'm sure bad at posting lately!! Yesterday I was 23 weeks, still a looooong way from where I would like to be when this baby arrives, but at least from this point on, they would try to save our baby if I went into labour! Every day from now on in, is one more day that my baby actually has a fighting chance! I can't begin to describe the relief this brings... finally I feel like we have a hope of bringing this man home! This pregnancy has been so riddled with complications, that I couldn't look past one day into the next! While there are some doubts lingering, there is hope shining through!
I'm sending lots of Love out to all my fellow BLMs! There are so many of us that are expecting rainbows right now, and I pray they all end up safely in our arms one of these days!
New Year New Mum, I've been reading faithfully, and while I can't seem to comment, know that I've been praying, and I so happy to read this morning that two of your embryos survived the thaw! Praying for the result you've been waiting for on the 24th!!!!!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Cerclage in Place!

Tuesday was a ROUGH ride! I've been nervous every weekly appt, especially since my cervix looked like it was shortening. On Tuesday, we found out that I had shortened from 2.3cm to 0.6!! 6 freaking millimeters!? The Dr at the Maternal fetal Unit wanted to test my fluid again, apparently the week before when I went to my RE, she had swabbed me, but didn't look under the microscope for what they call ferning. As this was our last resort, and I was sure that the fluid that's still seeping out of me was amniotic, I was devestated. Thank the lord there was no ferning evident, and they wheeled me in for an emergency cerclage. Still scared to death though, because our medical history this pregnancy has been all but a smooth ride, and let's face it 6 millimeters isn't alot to work with when you're using a needle that close to a sac filled with fluid! Finally, things seem to be on our side, and the surgery went off without a hitch! When I came out of recovery, they wheeled my stretcher straight for the room that I gave birth to Kristen in, and I had a slight panic attack... luckily the room next to it was empty. I would have spent the night in the hallway if I had to, I have no plans of ever going back into that room! I stayed in the hospital a few extra nights, just to be certain things were okay, and just got home this afternoon. Now we're just praying that I avoid infection (I still think that I have a small rupture, but wasn't going to argue the cerclage) I'll take the extra risk of infection over the certainty that this baby was going to arrive too early! The fluid that's on my tissue every time I wipe, is the same fluid that took me to the hospital when I suspected something might be wrong last year, and also when I went in before Jenna was born (same scenario, but at that time I was 34 wks so Jenna was okay) And it only started appearing after they ruptured my membranes this time! So I'm a little extra worried about infection.... but so glad to have been given this chance at extra time with our baby! Hopefully this is what's needed to get him close enough to term that he'll come home with us someday!
Today I'm 21wks 6 days.... tomorrow was the gestation I was at when Kristen was born. I think the extreme coincidence in dates added to my stress levels Tueday, to come so close to losing another baby, and in the same time frame as Kristen was really really frightening! I can't wait to get past tomorrow, and hopefully a LOT further into this pregnancy before Carter decides to make an appearance!
Blogger has been a pain again lately, and I can't seem to comment! Please know that I'm reading, and thinking about you all.... and have tried and tried to comment on some of your blogs! A special (belated) Happy Birthday to Aiden! I didn't have my laptop these past few days in the hospital or I would have sent my wishes on time! Sorry Natasha!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Prayers Please!

Good news first I suppose! The amnio results came back normal, which is super, and also super frustrating! Had I never opted for the amnio, I wouldn't have ruptured my membranes and ruined my chances for a cerclage! Everything baby wise is looking good, he's caught up in growth, and is now making breathing movements... of course the news couldn't all be good, my cervix has shortened to the point where if I didn't have ruptured membranes, they'd be doing an emergency cerclage tomorrow. Unfortunately the risk of infection is too great, and all I can do now is stay on even stricter bedrest and pray this doesn't end my pregnancy. My doc said I can stay home for now, she doesn't see any benefit to me being in the hospital, as long as I stay upstairs in bed unless I get up to use the washroom. If (I hate using that term) so I'll say WHEN I get to viability they'll probably admit me, so that if I go into labour, they'll be able to try to save Carter right away.
I'm so thankful for all of your support so far, the well wishes and prayers have meant the world to me through all of this! I'm asking now though, to please pray we make it through this... I can't bear the thought of losing another baby!! Please God, don't take this little man away from me too!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

again an update..............

Last year when I reached 20 wks, I thought I'd made it through the most dangerous part of pregnancy... I just assumed that halfway meant there was things they could do to save my baby should I run into problems! I'd never had to worry about loss, and didn't give it much thought.. this time around, it's all I've thought about! I'm 20 wks today, and although my bubs is still measuring a few days behind I'm going to consider myself 20 wks, after all I've been through these last few months, I deserve at least that! haha!
I had another appt last Tuesday, and it went fairly well.... my fluid has once again increased, which is great news for the baby. I am still seeping though, which once again leaves me anxious. I so want to know how the next few months are going to play out! We got some great 3-D pics of my little man, one of these days I'll get them on here...
Yesterday we had our anatomy scan, and things looked pretty good... there's one other issue that's arisen (of course, why wouldn't something else pop up!) Our baby has a 2 vessel umbilical chord instead of the normal 3 vessels.... This may mean nothing at all, and it may be a sign of heart or kidney problems, I have another scan in two weeks to take a closer look, the radiologist was very reasurring, but at this point, I'll remain cautious until we know otherwise. That being said, we did go ahead and let Jenna know that I do have a baby in my belly. We thought long and hard over whether or not it's the right decision, but decided to prepare her either way. We've explained to her that there is still lots of risk, and that the new baby may have to join Kristen in heaven, but that we are praying that he gets to stay in me and grow until he's big enough to join our family. I think she understands the situation somewhat.... she keeps saying that she hopes he gets to come home with us. The cutest parts of telling her was her reaction, number one was "But I want a baby girl, not a boy!" She was pretty put out by that fact. And she's decided that the baby's name is Jason... where she gets that, I have no clue! There's nobody that she knows with that name, and as far as I know, nobody on any of the TV shows she watches either! I'm pretty sure the baby will be called Carter John, it's the name we've had picked for more than six years now.... ever since Ken's Grandfather asked what we would name a baby if we had one. Carter because we both like that name, and John for his Pop, who is now deceased. I told Ken that if I have to give birth to this baby, no matter when it happens, he needs a name. Now we just have to convince Jenna ;)

Kristen

I have two things that I want/need to write about this morning, but feel it's only fair to Kristen to separate them. While I haven't talked much about her lately, she's never far from my thoughts, and is always in my heart. As we get closer to her angelversary, I find myself slipping back into grief... I've never stopped grieving, but through the past year, I have found healing and acceptance. I know that she's in heaven, and that someday we'll reunite, I know that she will always be a part of me. And most days, I can live with some form of peace in my heart. Lately, I'm feeling shattered again, the smallest things set me off, and I miss her so very much! I find myself wondering what our family would be like now if she had stayed... I know that I wouldn't be carrying my baby boy, and that blows my mind.... it would be impossible to have both situations in my life... had Kristen stayed, I wouldn't be pregnant now.... yet I wouldn't trade anything for the life that grows in me today. Such a hard concept to wrap my head around!
I've been so wrapped up in my currant situation that I've pushed aside thoughts of the date that's looming ahead of us... I'm aware that we're getting closer to her birthday, yet I prefer not to think too much about it. Yesterday something happened that forced that reality into my brain. My SIL and I were discussing her upcoming baby showers, and she told me that my MIL had booked the hall for November 20th... for a second I was stunned, I know I won't be able to attend anyway, but how can I celebrate the upcoming birth of her little girl, the day after I mourn the last year without mine! I know it was unintentional.... but it hurts that my MIL was so careless in her planning.... does she not remember what day her Grand daughter died??? I was reduced to tears. I'm pretty sure the date will be changed, but it brought to light how much I'm dreading the 19th. I still don't have any idea how I want to spend that day.... but I'm going to have to think of something soon. My angel deserves a wonderful day spent remembering her!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Freaking out!

My appt yesterday actually went okay..... I'm still seeping fluid, which is BAD, but my little man still has enough around him to reamain comfortable for now (pretty much the same amount as last week after my rupture) This is good, but not really wonderful... it confirms the fact that what we're producing is being lost. Scary as hell part coming up right now...
I'm still at a huge risk for infection, if we had resealed, this wouldn't be much of a worry.... and I now have two days left on my antibiotics. I'm so scared that we'll end up losing this battle over something so stupid as an infection! There's still a chance we could heal, and put this behind us, but the doc said that usually if that's going to happen, it does so in the day or two after the rupture.
My cervix is still measuring 2.9 so that's shorter than what it was initially, but the same length as last week, so maybe bedrest is keeping me there.... hopefully. We have such a looooong way to go before we're even viable.
I would love your input, we've been discussing whether or not to reveal this pregnancy to Jenna.... so far we've just been saying that "Mommy's sick" but now we've crossed the line from 'miscarriage", to actual loss if something is to happen. So I guess she'll need to know in case we need to mourn another dead baby. I know this sounds incredibly pessimistic, but there is such a huge possibility of this happening, that I have to be prepared for the outcome. I'm so scared to put her through this again! Of course I'm praying this will end up being a non issue when we bring this boy home. Would you wait for viability, risking the chance of having to tell her about her sibling after the loss... or prepare her now for either outcome???? It's so freakin hard! My poor three year old should not have death in her vocabulary, and now I'm scared of putting her through it twice in one year.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

another setback...

It's almost laughable... well not really, but honestly, how many complications can arise in one pregnancy!
We went for the amnio last Tuesday, all went well and not long after we were about to leave St. John's to head for home. That's when I felt the first gush, and the second... Ken turned around in a parking lot and back to the hospital we went. On the way I phoned the receptionist for the Dr that had performed the amnio, and wes told we needed to head to the emergency room, so that's where we spent the remainder of the evening. They decided to admit me and we waited for the next day to have an ultrasound done. Luckily there is still enough fluid around the baby so long as I don't lose any more. There's a chance this will 'seal over' and everything will progress again, but the risk of infection right now is huge. I spent the last 3 nights in hospital on some pretty heavy antibiotics, and am now home on bedrest until Tuesday. So far I haven't had much more fluid, just a small amount on the paper when I wipe.
There's only a 1-2% chance of complications after an amnio.... really, I know statistics don't mean as much to me now after having a second trimester loss..... but I felt fairly confident going into the procedure that I'd be okay, the doctor performs hundreds of these a year..... What amazing bad luck!
Sooooooo the worst news to come out of this, is now they're scared to perform the cerclage with my membranes ruptured, now the risk of infection is so high... I'm pretty much left hanging right now. My cervix was already slightly shortened on the last ultrasound, and she told me that we may have to look at getting the cerclage done after this week's appt. We were still kind of waiting for the results of the amnio to do anything, in case there was a syndrome present that would mean absolutely no chance of survival for the baby. Truly a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't! If we hadn't done the amnio, we were told we were risking a lot by carrying on with the pregnancy (especially since it's so hard for me to carry to term anyway) And now, because I went ahead with the procedure, we may have screwed it all up anyway! ARghghghhghghgh
The only bright spot in all of this so far is that the preliminary results of the amnio came back yesterday, and some of the more common disorders have all came back negative, and it looks like this time around I'm carrying a little boy! Please please pray we'll be able to keep him safe until it's time to come home!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Much needed break

Hello again everyone! I know I've been absent for quite a while again.... I've been grappling with my emotions, and the unknowns a lot lately.
My appt with the genetic specialist was preceded by a huge gush of blood again the night before (enough to soak me and drip on the floor as I ran for the bathroom) I spent the night thinking that this was it..... the miscarriage that I had avoided for so long had arrived. Then nothing.... no more blood, a decent nights sleep, no miscarriage! I decided to keep my appt, and let the Dr know what had happened, I told him that I may be wasting his time, as I might be losing the baby, but didn't want to rebook if I actually wasn't miscarrying.... The appointment itself was scary, really just a recap of what Dr. Crane had told me, that our chances of a chromosonal problem were heightened b/c of baby's size, and the nuchal scan. He also said that if the further testing comes out clear for chromosone disfunctions, there's a multitude of other disorders that it may be, and they can't test for them. So basically, even if we get a good test result, our outcome may not be rosy. I guess that I just have to live with whatever is coming, and realise this happens to lots of people all the time... I'm still praying that this child inside me will have some sort of quality of life when all this is said and done.
I then had an appt with my RE, and she did an ultrasound, low and behold, everything still looks fine (and the baby on her machine was measuring a week behind yet again, no more than that... makes me wonder if there's a discrepancy between the equipment at the two hospitals, and maybe my baby's growth hadn't slowed even more like we thought after the nuchal scan)
Next step is waiting for the amnio (Oct 4th) like I said, this will alert us if there is something wrong with the chromosones.... but that's all they are testing at this point. I have to wait 3 wks for the results, which will make me 19 wks by the time we learn anything at all.
Sooooooooooo I took the opportunity before cerclage to head home for 10 days! It was so nice to see my family again, and to let Jenna spend some time with her Grandparents! We also celebrated her 3rd birthday while there (Ken was offshore, we're having a party here this w/e too) I can't tell you how much I needed to be HOME! I just got back late last night, and thought I'd better update! I only skimmed my blog once while gone, and to tell you the truth, it was a nice break from that as well..... not that I don't care about what's happening to everyone... I just needed some time to myself! I didn't even remember the 19th this month, it took me back when I actually realised the date a few days later!! I don't know if I feel much remorse about this, because it's not that I haven't been thinking about Kristen, I thought about her more while I was home I think than I have for quite a while! Maybe it's just a sign of healing.... maybe I'll be able to mark her day by the years... like I once did by the weeks, and then the months. I think I'm okay with this because she's constantly in my heart.... no calendar will change that. I know that November is sneaking up fast, and that it is going to be hard to accept that a year has passed without her!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Nuchal Ultrasound

I've been holding on to the results for the past few days and running them through my head... The scan didn't go at all as hoped, although I know it's not conclusive until we have further testing. The problem is that baby's growth has also slowed down. I should have been measuring 12 wks 4 days (taking into account the week he's always been behind) but was 12wks exactly... that means that in a week, he or she only grew by 2 days. This scares the crap out of me!
As far as the nuchal scan, my risk of down's went from one in 380something to 1 in 24... again, not what we were hoping to see. I have an appt on Tuesday with the genetic specialist, and am hoping to get in next week to have another ultrasound... I really need to know what's happening develomentally.
Sorry that I didn't update right away, you've all been so wonderful in supporting me so far. I just don't know how to take this latest upset. What a hell of a ride these last three months have been!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Game Plan

Soooooo here's where we are.
My Dr is amazed that I've managed to keep this pregnancy, she was pretty sure things weren't going to progress this far. That being said.. Wee One is an apt name, I'm measuring 11 wks 5 days today (still exactly a week behind where we should be, but still growing week by week, thankfully) Because the baby is still that week behind we have a nucheal scan ordered for next Wednesday, the doctors are worried that there is an increased risk of Down's, or other developmental/chromosomal complications... If this is the case, we'll go for further testing after that... If (fingers crossed) everything comes out clear my cerclage will be sometime around the end of September.
I'm finally begining to wrap my head around the fact that this baby might just stick with us... funny because I'm so close to the end of the first trimester.... I guess if we go from the time we transfered, I would be thirteen weeks. I'm still apprehensive, I hope that there isn't anything developmentaly wrong with this baby... we'll cross that bridge when and if we get there I suppose. It's been such a hell of a ride so far! I'm taking things one (exhausting) day at a time, and so far it's worked!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

In a funny place...

I am still here, and while I haven't been posting, or commenting as much as I normally do, I still get on here to read every couple of days or so.
I know people are wanting an update (or.. I'd like to think that some of you would like to know what's been happening in my world lately!) Anyway, if you didn't you would'nt be here right now reading right?? Sooooo my appt last Tuesday was pretty much a repeat of the last couple of weeks baby is growing (YAY) and the heartbeat is strong! Still wondering why my invitro/know my dates baby is measuring a full week behind. The doc even asked if Ken and I had had sex when I got back from Vancouver, as though this wasn't my invitro baby but a little week later miracle. Well that wasn't possible, so we're still wondering on this one! I asked when I'd be able to relax and get comfortable with the whole I'm actually preggo thing, and she said that if I make it to 12 wks, I should be okay.*** I don't know if that's 12 wks gestation (2 wks from now) or when Wee One is actually measuring 12 weeks. Guess if I get that far we'll figure it out. She (the doc) wants to do further testing to make sure everything is developing properly, since this has been such a shaky start to my pregnancy, again, we'll figure that out when I get further along. In the meantime, I'm starting to actually come around to the fact that this baby inside me, just MIGHT hang out for a while. My MIL asked me the other day if I thought I was having a boy or a girl, my response was that I couldn't even wrap my head around the thought that I was actually pregnant, let alone ponder the sex! So here I am still taking things day by day, and still trying to be prepared for the worst, but starting to hope more and more for the best!

*** each of us on the other side of loss knows that 12 wks doesn't necessarily equal baby, but it should mean that I won't miscarry due to something wrong from implantation or early development. Funny thing is that once I get that far along, I'll be ramping up for the cerclage, and a whole new set of fears!

Thanks to everyone who visited my friend on her blog... it means alot to me that she gets some support these days!!!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Introducing a Dear Friend.....

Everyone has read about my friend 'A' and how she too has joined the club none of us wants to be a member of. Please, if you get a chance, stop by her blog and say hello!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Still Pregnant!

After a week of bleeding,cramping, and passing a couple of fairly big clots (sorry again if TMI) I hesitantly went to my Dr's appt this morning. I kept telling myself last night, that there probably wouldn't be a heartbeat, or there wouldn't be as much growth as we wanted to see.... I keep trying to protect my heart.
Well. My Wee One is still a week behind... we're measuring 7 wks 3 days, and I'm 8 weeks 3 days. But he (or she) is still hanging in there, and the heartbeat is a stronger 120 (last week was 110) Soooooo my Dr is still iffy on handing out too much hope at this point. But she said that to give me odds of proceding would be purely a guess on her part. If I don't miscarry in the next week, I head in again next Tuesday. Not exactly what I want to hear moving forward... but then again, we're still moving forward!
For right now the bleeding has turned to spotting, and it's mostly browner blood, so maybe that will ease up for me now. It's totally a time will tell situation. I've said before, this isn't the pregnancy I envisioned, but for now will be happy that I'm still pregnant! Please keep sending prayers and wishes our way!

Monday, July 25, 2011

How am I doing?

I'm alright, I think...... I found out this morning that there's a less than 10% chance this pregnancy will continue much longer. Not much of a surprise, because the bleeding hasn't really stopped since yesterday morning. There is a Wee One, and a heartbeat... but he's measuring 6wks not 7, and the sac is a little odd shaped. Plus the general condition of the rest of my uterus isn't all that wonderful, you can see some of the clotting. Funny that I say he, but that's the way I've felt all along, so I'm going to give him a gender, right or wrong!
Sooooo now we wait, and if things get too bad, I can call and go in. If not, my next appt is next Monday, we'll go from there... I'm crampy, and my lower back is killing me. I truly think it's just a matter of time.
I'm holding up pretty well..... I think that because we've suspected this possibility all along, it's okay, well, not OKAY.. but I know that I'm going to be alright. Ken says that he's done, last call, close the curtains.... I say give it some time, and we'll see... I know that there are a couple of frosties waiting for us, and maybe, somewhere in the future, we'll have the strength to try again!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

And the saga continues......

This morning when I got up from the breakfast table, my pants were wet... sorry if tmi, but I was sure that was the begining of the end. I phoned the clinic to let them know that bleeding had started, and to see if they still wanted me to keep my appt on Tuesday. Of course, there was no one there, so I left a message. But, I guess it's not the begining, or if it is, it's a really delayed one. The bleeding pretty muched stopped right after that, and although there's still a tiny bit of spotting again, there really hasn't been anymore all day!
If this pregnancy is really going to result in a healthy baby somewhere in the future, can someone please send a memo to Mother Nature?! This is NOT FUN! Definitely not what I was expecting when I thought about trying again, I was expecting the harder part to come when I got close to the second trimester! I don't even know what to think anymore, I just know that I'm soooo tired!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

6 wks 5 days

My ultrasound on Monday showed a yolk sac, but it was probably too early to see anything else.. which still leaves us wondering if my early levels were an indication of a non viable pregnancy..... My next ultrasound will be next Tuesday, and finally, I should have an answer... there will either be a tiny Wee One, heart beat and all... or there won't. I'm so tired of this not knowing.... should I be embracing this pregnancy, or preparing myself for the worst!? I'm so stressed and tired these past few days!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Amazing coincedence!

I spoke with my friend today. I feel so helpless.. I wish there were something I could say to lessen her pain... but unfortunately, I know the road she's walking now is going to be hard, no matter what I say. She's an amazing person, and has always had a huge place in my heart. I hate that she's now one a Baby Loss Mama too! She told me that while they were waiting to give birth to twin B, they had an amazing nurse, she sat with them the entire time, and refused to leave. They forced her to go get something to eat, but she was right back with them after she had. She didn't want to leave at the end of her shift, and I think Amanda said that she was back with them again when it was time for Baby B to be born. The nurses name..... Kristen! What an amazing coincedence! We spoke of our babies being together in heaven, and that's when she told me that part of her story!! I like to think that it has a bit to do with my angel watching over them!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Still so very sad....

Just got an email half an hour ago... "we're losing twin B"
I hate the unjustice!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

My heart is full of hurt tonight

I don't know if you remember me writing about a good friend of mine a few months back.... 'A' and her husband had waited so long to start their family, and finally, through invitro, they were expecting twins. She wrote me today to let me know that on the 11th, they gave birth to twin A... she was 16 wks plus a few days. Twin B seems to still be doing good, and they're hoping that her cervix will close again, for now she's on bedrest. I feel awful, we all know the pain that she is experiencing all too well.... Please say a prayer for my dear friend, and for both her babies... I'm praying twin B will be able to hang on until it's safe for him or her to enter our world.. and that twin A is safe with Jesus and all of our Angels.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

1573

well! Yesterdays results came as a complete surprise to me!! I had all but lost hope for this cycle, but apparently my beta went from 148 last wednesday to 1573!!!! Much much much better! Sooooo now I'm doing my ultrasound a week early (next Monday) just to see what's going on. While I'm relieved that my levels are climbing at a better rate, I'll feel better once next Monday is over with, just to confirm that things actually are going properly!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

not so good

That's my new level as of today.... 148 from 96 two days ago. So it's not rising as much as it probably should be, and I have to go back on the 11th. FIVE DAYS.. good lord, I thought a two week wait was bad enough! I'm wondering if the five days this time is just letting my body take its course, so they don't torture me with more bloodwork, or if there really is any hope left. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but at the same time, I'm a realist. And I'm not liking this reality at all.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Still Iffy but pregnant for this moment in time!

So, Saturday's level was 54 (anything over 50 is considered a pregnancy) and todays level was 96 (they would have liked to see it double, but anything within the 80% is still I guess ok) So like I said, right now I'm pregnant! They still want me to go back in for more bloodwork in two days to make sure it's still climbing. Because the levels are a bit low, and didn't quite double, and because I'm still spotting somewhat, the nurse told me that Wednesday's levels could easily go "either way". That's where it gets a bit iffy!
So... I'm pregnant.. for this day, and that's a beautiful thing! Please continue to pray for me and my Wee One, let's hope he or she decides to stay!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Hanging in Here (Barely)

Soooo went for first round of bloodwork yesterday, but won't get results until tomorrow because it was drawn on the weekend. Tomorrow I go for second round. In the meantime, I've been spotting for the past two days. I have tonnes of cramping, and a bad lower back ache. I haven't completely given up hope just yet, but it's diminished by quite a bit. Aunt Flo hasn't quite shown up, so I hope she decides to stay away! I'll let you all know tomorrow when I finally get my results.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

still waiting

and going crazy! :) This waiting thing sucks... I can't stand not knowing. One second, I'll have myself convinced that I'm probably not preggers, then the next I'm saying.. but maybe....! I just want to know so that I can deal with the next step! Truth be told, I'm scared of actually being pregnant this time around. Which seems so funny to say after all we've done to maybe become that!
Anyway, this is just a quick update. I found out after that they were able to freeze two of our embryos. I don't know exactly their condition before freezing, I haven't actually talked to anyone at the clinic since last Thursday. But it's kind of nice knowing that they're there. Even if I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to make use of them if this cycle is a no-go.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

My 'Wee One'

My embryologist is from Scotland, and in my consult with her this morning, that's how she described the embryo they had chosen for me.. a lovely Wee One. I like it, and from this point on, that's what I will call this tiny spark of life inside of me!

So, Dear Wee One,

It is so nice to finally have met you, although I couldn't actually see you in the syringe that they brought into the room, knowing you were there made me so very happy! The love that instantly enveloped me as the procedure took place surprised me! I know now to cherish every sweet moment that I have with you, and I pray that you and I are in it for the long haul! So please relax, and make yourself at home. Know that Mommy is doing everything humanly possible to ensure that in March, you will get to meet your Daddy and big Sister!!

And, My Darling Angel Kristen,

It was really hard for Mommy to be back in that room this morning, going through the same procedure that had brought you to me! Please know that I'm in no way trying to replace you... nothing can ever do that! I just want to share the love that I have for you and Jenna with another baby, your little brother or sister! There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't wish you were here on earth with us. But I'm sure you already know that! Please keep watch over us, your earthly family! We miss you so very much!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tomorrow's Transfer day!!

Eeek! How am I feeling? I'm starting to feel a bit of excitement creeping up on me, no matter how hard I try to stay neutral through this whole experience! Imagine.. I may actually become PREGNANT while I'm here! lol... I know that's the whole point of this trip, but the reality never truly hits me right away... So update from the clinic this morning was just to let me know that I have some good looking embryos, and a few stragglers, but everything's progressing nicely. I missed the call because I was in the shower, so I don't know actual numbers. But tomorrow at 10am is my transfer. I still am only transfering one embryo this time. I don't want the added stress of trying to carry two babies, when my body wouldn't allow me to carry one last time.
I can't wait!
Please God if you're reading my blog (haha) let this work!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Tough Day

Where to begin.....
Today has just been all around hard. I spoke to Jenna on the phone, and ended up a mess... I miss her so much, and everytime I think about her, my heart breaks with not being near her!
My Mom came to see me for the weekend, they live in AB, so it's not a super long flight to get here. It was sooo nice being able to spend the time with her, but I'm super sad and homesick now that she's gone again. Amazing how a 33 year old woman can still just want her Mommy!
I changed my flight to Friday after things were delayed because of the overstimulation..$300 later.. plus the extra nights lodging, plus the extra meds I had to buy while here... just added stress! It's all expensive enough!
And the biggest thing is of course, it's the 19th again. Another month has gone by without my precious baby girl!
Anyway, today it kind of all came to a head, the combination of these events, and all the hormones left me crying in the middle of lunch with Mom, and some of our family members that live in the city. I tried to pull myself together in the washroom at the restaurant, but just couldn't seem to stop crying! I HATE that!! I'm better again now, but for a brief while, was wondering if I would completely melt down in public. This is HARD! I knew it would be, and I knew that not having Ken or Jenna with me was going to suck... I had been managing to deal with all the stress, until today.
There is a bright spot through all of this though.... 15 of my eggs have fertilized normally! With Jenna we had 10, and with Kristen 12.... so this is the best we've been at this stage of my cycles so far. They will keep me posted every morning as to how my little embryos are doing. And in turn, I'll keep posting on here! I've said it before, but Thank You so much for following along with me. Your support has meant the world to me. Especially on days like today!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Retrieval Day

26 beautiful little eggs have been retrieved from my now really sore ovaries! Let's pray that one of those will result in a new baby around nine months from now!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Embarassment for Vancouver

And I'm not talking the game.... that's a whole other story! The way some of the people in the streets, I won't call them fans, because their actions in no way reflect anything sportsmanlike. Anyway, the way some of the people acted after last nights game was truly shameful. There was no need for rioting last night... IT'S A GAME! Anyway, just had to get that off my chest!
I'm just waiting for my bloodwork to come back today to find out whether or not we're going ahead with an egg retrieval on Saturday. Fingers crossed, I want to keep this moving forward.
I've been doing pretty good about keeping my emotions low key through all of this. I can't believe that I'm here...again. Going through all of this.. again! I should be at home with Jenna and Kristen. Not here. sigh.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Overstimulation

yup, they've done it again! Bleh. Yesterday my levels shot wayyyyyy up... I was overstimulated on my cycle with Jenna too. So today I'm feeling a bit bloated, tired and crappy. Nothing too serious, I know it can be much worse. But it means that they took me off some of my meds last night to let me 'coast' and today it's the same thing. I go in again tomorrow morning,and hopefully by then, we can proceed. The worst thing about all of this, is that by coasting, my dates are off, and I now have to spend a few more nights here, and reschedule my flight home. Money, money, money! I know, well I hope, that in the grand scheme of things, all of this will be worthwhile. I'm relieved to see lots of folicles again this time, the more eggs we get, the better my chances are of ending up with a baby. I just react too well to the medications.
On a different note... Go Canucks! It's hockey mania in this city tonight, as we're at game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals!!! I'm an Oiler's fan actually, but they didn't even get to the playoffs, so I'll just cheer and hope that the cup comes back to a Canadian team! It's fun seeing the way Vancouver has been swept up with hockey fever! Every second person is wearing some sort of the team logo! I have an Aunt living here, and plan to go to her house to watch the game tonight. Should be fun! I'm not crazy enough to head downtown, where there will be over 100,000 people lining the streets!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

When I was saying goodbye to Jenna the other day, this is what she said to me...
"Bye Mommy, I'm gonna miss you, but stay away from the Big Bad Wolf! You can go to see Red Riding Hood Mommy, but don't go to the Wolf's house!" LOL... makes you wonder where she thinks I was actually going!
So arrived in Vancouver last night, and had my first tracking appt here this morning. Everything is going just like the last two times... I'm a follicle producing machine! The first time we came, they didn't realise I would respond so well to the meds, so I was a little overstimulated for a while. Last time no overstimulation, but I still produced 32 eggs. This time looks like it won't be much different. Too bad out of all of those eggs last time, there was only Kristen and my little bean to transfer... it would have been so much better if I had some frosties awaiting me here. Oh well!
I'm missing Jenna terribly already, I'm hardly ever away from her. But I'm going to do my best to take advantage of some much needed R&R.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me, I need this cycle to work!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Six Months, Two Weeks, Four Days

A huge thank you to Angie from Still Life with Circles. She has started a project for all blogging BLM's called Right Where I am. I have found such solace in reading everyone's take on where they are in regards to how long it's been since they had lost (for a lack of a better term) their babies.
I had to look up exactly how long it has been since Kristen was in my arms. I suppose that's a good thing, at one point, even not that long ago, I would have been able to tell you right away.
I'm doing alright, most of the time. I can go days without needing to cry, and I can think about her with peace in my heart... sometimes. There are still dark ugly moments, where I sob uncontrolably, and give in to the what ifs. It's hard to imagine the way life should be, but even harder to think about the way my future is now changed. That's when I cry the most, when I think of the firsts she's missing, first teeth, steps, words, the graduation, the wedding.. the life that will never be.... I miss my little girl.
Right now I'm in the midst of a fertility cycle, complete with the wonderful hormone altering drugs, my emotions have been running eratic lately. I can't say that I'm ready to try again, which is funny because that's exactly what we're doing. But I don't know if I'd ever really be ready to try. I'm doing it for my two year old... she needs another sibbling, one that she can play with, and fight with, and grow up with. I want more children too.... but the thought of losing another child terrifies me!
I'm at a place I never thought I would be, and one that I wouldn't wish on another woman. A life filled with juggling the amazing and wonderful world of my toddler, with the loss of her little sister. To look at Jenna and be overjoyed with the way she's growing and changing. And in the back of my mind.. always, to be thinking that Kristen won't be here to do these things. There is no simple enjoyment in things anymore, even though that's what I long for. There's always underlying grief.. waiting to rear it's awful head.....

Friday, May 27, 2011

update

So now I still don't feel much like writing... AND blogger won't let me comment! grrr! I'm still here reading, I promise, and I would LOVE to comment and let you all know that I'm thinking about you as I read your blogs, but I just keep getting kicked out into the log in screen, and I log in, enter the code word, click post comment, and voila, back to the log in screen!! FRUSTRATING!
A little about my plight, since I'm here now... Lupron is kicking my ass this time! Headaches, nausia, and so so so tired, all of the time! I never had these side effects the last two times I was on the drug. I hope all of this is worth it, and that we'll end up lucky to be pregnant once again!
Hugs to everyone, hope to be able to comment again soon!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

still here....

I haven't been visiting the blogging world quite as much lately.... I've been popping on here every day or two to read all of the blogs that I follow, but haven't felt like I have as much to say, not sure if this is good or not. Six months was the 19th, and even then, I couldn't come up with a post. I don't know what to say about it... I feel in some ways like I'm healing, and others like I'm rooted in the same old grief, depends on the minute I suppose! I can't believe that I'm now closer to a year away from my time with Kristen than I am to the day that she arrived, and left. Only by a few days, but still.... we're moving towards that awful anniversary, the birthday that never should have been, her birthday should have been in March! I wish it were different... I want a two month old healthy little girl, I miss what should have been!
I've started my Lupron, my first injection was last night. Today I have a headache, not sure if it's related, but most likely it is... I don't get them all that often.
Anyway, sorry this is kind of a blah post, but I'm kind of in a blah mood today!
I'm trying to keep up on commenting, but I know I've been falling short there as well... please know that my silence doesn't mean I've left you, I'm still here reading, crying, laughing, and praying with you all!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Conversation with a two year old

"Mommy is Kevin here??"
This is the question I faced as she got out of bed this morning...
"Kevin? Like Uncle Kevin??? (hoping that's what she meant)
"no Kevin... where our baby is"
"Ohhh Heaven... No honey, heaven is way up in the sky... where the angels are"
"So you don't have a baby in your tummy anymore?"
"No sweety, she was too tiny when she came out of Mommy's tummy, so the angels took her to live with them."
Blank stare...
"can I have oatmeal for breakfast?"

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Happy List Saturday

I don't have a lot of time to write today, I have a friend coming out for a girls night. This is probably my big happy today (other than family and Jenna of course!) You see, I called this friend last week when I was in the middle of my crisis. She cheered me up, and later called to see if I wanted wine, movie, and munchies this weekend! I live an hour out of town, so it's soooo nice of her to leave her family for the night to come hang with me! She has been so supportive over the last year, and I'm so thankful for our friendship.
My other happy thing this week is the calm I finally feel after completely making up my mind to try invitro, until last week I had left myself an 'out' I hadn't........
Hello again, picking this up from yesterday, as I had to leave the computer mid post. Anyway, I didn't commit to actually going for invitro, until I had to pay for the procedure. I thought I was doing myself a favor by leaving that option open. As a matter of fact, I was just adding stress and unease! I've said before that I'm usually quick to make up my mind on things, and not having completely done so with going again, was harder on me than I realised! Once I commited, and paid my fee, I relaxed A LOT! I'm still nervous of course. I just know where my head is and what my goals are. And that makes me happy!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Decision made (again) stay tuned for more chaos!

Thanks so much for everyone who has lent me their support over the past few days, I've been such a mess, and I really appreciate your kind words.
I know that I won't be able to be at peace if I don't try again. I've tried to convince myself that maybe I could, it didn't work.
So here we are again. I'm still moving forward. I know that these next few months are going to be hard emotionally, but at least we're trying. If it doesn't work this time, I'll know I've exhausted my options, and I'll deal from there. Of course I'm hoping to God it works out in our favor!
This is where I'm turning to work out some of the darker fears involved in this whole process.... and I'm sure I'm going to have other moments of pure anxiety. But again, I thank everyone who has thought of me during my 'crisis'
Sending you all so much love!

still struggling.

I was hoping that last night was just a "mood" that I could cry it out, and see my situation more clearly. Usually I make quick decisions... I weigh out the obvious pros and cons, and without too much pondering... I decide. This is different. I'm still struggling today. I wish there was an answer, if we go through all of this again, will we get pregnant? I don't know if I can handle it if there's no chance of a baby, because even if I do get pregnant... that only means I have a chance at a baby. We all know it's no guarantee. On the other hand... can I be at peace if we don't try?????? Can I truly live the rest of my life okay with the fact that we never took the chance. Be okay with my little family as it is, and take the struggles of raising Jenna as an only child in a community with no other kids? I don't know. It's killing me, it's killing my husband. It's hurting Jenna seeing me like this. I don't know what to do!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What started out as a bad day has spiraled. I'm a mess tonight. I start to do one thing, end up leaving it and trying something else... all the while my mind won't stop racing. I'm so scared. I'm scared to try invitro again. I'm scared to get pregnant again. I'm so damn scared of losing another baby!!
On top of that is Kristen, always on my mind Kristen. I don't want a new baby..I want MY baby, I want my little girl back! Why does it have to be so hard???????????? I know I can say it over and over again, but it really isn't fair. Nothing is going to ever even up the score, nothing is going to be fair again. My baby is gone, in her place is agony, heartache, and fear. It doesn't matter if we try again and are successful, she's still gone. It doesn't make it fair or right. We still have to go through hell and back to even have a chance at creating life, and after it's said and done, I may come back home by myself.. no baby.
I haven't paid the deposit yet, I have to do that tomorrow, and I'm so tempted to call it quits! I'm putting EVERYTHING on the line to have another baby, and I'm just so scared!

Sisters

So as we're sitting down to circle time in playgroup today, the leader asked Jenna about the friend who had just visited for a couple of days (we had gone with Jenna's little friend Rachel last week) And Jenna said yes that she had gone home.. and that "my baby's in heaven" Out of the blue. The playgroup leader actually said "Wow, I don't know how to respond to that!" Which left me leaving circle time to go to the bathroom and try to regain some composure..... It must be because of our visit with Paulette yesterday, but later in the afternoon Jenna also asked me if she was a sister too... to which I replied that yes, she is a sister. Wow... I'm just a complete mess today, it took me a really long time this morning to get myself back under enough control to rejoin the group at playgroup. And even now, I'm crying as I think back on it. I'm glad that Jenna does recognize that she has a baby sister. I think it's just extra tough on me after dealing with Mother's Day followed by finally going to meet Paulette's baby.
Also, I don't know if anyone else is having troubles, but Blogger has been telling me that I'm not following any blogs for the last couple of days, but when I go into some of the blogs that I really am following, it still shows my profile. So if I miss reading some.. I'm sorry, I'm trying to sort it out! Any suggestions??

Monday, May 9, 2011

Meeting the baby

I survived meeting Paulettes baby. I had actually called last week (a month later) to let Paulette know that I had been thinking about her, and that I thought I might be ready to get together one of these days. Today I had planned on taking Jenna to playgroup in the morning, and then calling to see if Paulette wanted some company. She actually showed up at playgroup this morning too (this is only the second time that she's gone) So it was a little bit of a surprise, but I was okay with the whole situation! There were moments when I would feel myself choking up, but I held them in... and I was fairly busy helping Jenna with different things, so we didn't have much time to talk just then.
So after playgroup, we decided to meet at her house for lunch and a visit. I did cry on the way to her place, it's still so hard to think that Kristen should be here too, and that all our girls should be growing up together.... but we did okay while there, and we even had a talk about how I was doing. She was understanding of why I had backed away for that little while.. which was a relief to me. The baby was asleep the whole time we were at Paulette's house, and Jenna and Alexis played like they always have, so it was a fairly easy visit.
I feel much better after getting our first visit "over with", I hope that things will continue to get easier as time goes on.......

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

I woke up this morning feeling okay. Ken's offshore again, and he sent me a sweet poem, and wishes for a Happy Mother's Day... he's on nights this hitch, so he was asleep by the time Jenna and I got up....
When I went to go deliver Mother's day cards to my MIL and Ken's Nan... Jenna FREAKED. She for some reason didn't want to leave the house. So I fought with her to get dressed, fought with her to get in the truck, and left the driveway listening to a screaming two year old... then I lost it. I don't think it's the fighting with her that wore me down... I've just been trying to hold back the reason I'm feeling sad today. I want BOTH of my babies, I don't care if they were both screaming in the back of the truck... but they should both be here.. Jenna AND her baby sister. So I turned around, how can I go deliver cards and wishing a happy Mother's day with tears streaming down my face? Maybe I'll try again later today, they're going to have to wait for a while anyway.
I really thought that I could be okay, that I could be happy today because I have my one little girl here with me (and believe me... I AM happy that Jenna is here, and that I am blessed to be her Mother) I'm just still feeling so raw about not having Kristen here with us.
My heart goes out to all the BLMs... I wish there was something I could say to make today easier, I know that we are all missing our babies, everyday.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Part of me....

I came across this tonight, and it's so beautiful that I had to share, you may have already read it.

Part of Me...
I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too.
I think of you in silence. I often say your name.
But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart.
I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place, no one can ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone.
For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
-Author unknown
I'm a little upset today. I went online to look up flights and hotel for my trip to Vancouver. My plan had been to take Jenna with me, meet up with my SIL and hang out with them while I was going through the procedure, and then to go home to GP for a week. It would be an extra $2500 in flights, that's with using up all of my airmiles! Plus the more expensive hotel room to sleep all of us, plus the extra money we'd surely spend sightseeing in Vancouver (Amanda and the girls have never been) GRRRRR!!! I can't justify it! Not when all it really is for, is so that Jenna and I could get to GP for a week! Not when we have to pay soooooo much just for the invitro!
Now, I'm going by myself ($1000 plane ticket) and probably spending a few of the days with a family member there.... and coming straight back to Newfoundland. No trip home this spring/summer. Ken's Mom will take Jenna, she was a little disappointed when I was hoping to have her come with me anyway.
My hope is to keep my airlmiles, and gain enough more over the summer to take a trip home a bit later, for three weeks, while Ken's offshore. I don't know if I'll be able to once (if) I'm pregnant. But hoping it's a possibility. sigh.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Happy List Saturday



I've come to love Happy Lists, it's nice to sit and reflect on my week, and to find the happiness that I can so easily forget about otherwise!

1. I had a bittersweet Easter. The holiday itself was good, Jenna made the day pretty terrific with her excitement and innocence this year! I missed Kristen terribly, but am happy for the time with family!

2. I'm happy that things are moving ahead with invitro. I'm scared to death of the big picture, and I'm focusing on taking things one step at a time!

3. I'm happy that I got to meet another amazing BLM face to face this week! Jane is Noah's Mommy and I met her through the faces of Loss website, although there isn't a group here in St. John's, Jane has her phone# listed, and we finally sat down and had a coffee, and a great conversation!

4. As always, I'm happy for my family. Ken's crew change day is shifting, and it worked in his favor this time, he has an extra four days with us, and it's so nice to get that extra time!
Jenna has been sick this week, she actually woke up with a cold Easter morning, but she's a trooper, and despite being horribly sick, she still has a sweet temperment. I'm happy she's finally on the mend!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Here we go again!

It looks like we'll be heading across the country June 12th. It's funny because I'm excited about the trip... My SIL and her two girls are going to meet us in Vancouver, and hang out while I'm there (Ken's actually going to be offshore, it'll be me and Jenna going, I have his swimmers chillin there on ice already!) And I'm excited to go home to GP after our invitro excursion... but the actual baby-making part of me is, well...meh! I have everything pushed so far back in my mind as a defense mechanism, that I sometimes almost forget the whole reason that I'm doing this! I did the same thing the last two times as well.. I try to downplay the fact that I might actually become pregnant, in case I don't! I don't know if would actually help me cope if I came home with a BFN, but it's just what I do. When we went for Jenna, I didn't allow myself to get excited about the pregnancy until quite far into it... I had been through so much to get that far, that I didn't want to let my walls down. With Kristen, I was cautiously optimistic for the first trimester, then I was ecstatic! Why wouldn't we be bringing a baby home?! I remember even (naively) telling Ken's uncle, that now that I had reached 20 weeks, we were safe! HA. Stupid, stupid me!
This time, god only knows how I'm going to act/react/cope... I'm hoping of course that I end up pregnant, but that's as far as I really let myself think. 22wks, I guess if I make it that far, I'll deal with it. I'm almost exactly on the same timeline.. I'm flying out two weeks earlier this time around, so depending on how my body is reacting to the treatment, and how the embryo(s) (if we end up with any) are doing .. I'll be due right around two weeks before my due date with Kristen! I'm glad it's not any closer than that!
I'll be posting all the way through of course, I can't imagine life before blogging! It's been my key support system through this whole process, and I'm thankful for all of you!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I like to be alone sometimes.. in fact I've always needed 'my space' fairly often. It took my husband a long time to get used to this part of me, and he's learned to read my signals, and knows when to give me the time that i need. I'm not talking days or weeks, just an afternoon now and then away from everyone, whether I stay home by myself, or go for a drive... I like my own company. Or at least I used to. Now, I find that if I get my alone time, I spend it crying, and dwelling. In a way it's good... I know that I'm supposed to let myself cry when I need to, but I hate that that's how I spend my time. Alone time is rare when you have a two year old, it's not so easy to just escape. Not that I'm complaining, I can only imagine how much crying and dwelling I would do if Jenna wasn't around to keep me distracted!! But I feel it's just another way my life has been altered, just another part of the 'new' me that I need to adjust to! I'm sick of adjusting, I'm sick of trying to come to grips with this person that's taken my place. She's mopey, and miserable! She's short tempered, and she doesn't give a shit about very much any more. Brooke just posted today about all of the things that she used to be, and the new life she's living. I know that it's true for all of us, that we are shadows of our former selves. Does this go away, or do we get so used to it, that we forget who we used to be??

Monday, April 25, 2011

Baby Peter

I posted 'The Gift of Kristen Eva' in my very first blog posting, it was written by the woman who performed her service for us. Rosalind emailed me today to share another poem of hers. You see, Rosalind's mother experienced a stillbirth when Rosalind was a very small girl, at that time the baby was taken right away, and there wasn't much said about it. Rosalind has tried to find ways to honor her little brother's part in her family, including giving him a name! She said that she had called him Peter, somewhat after Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. She shared his story with my family at the service. It was a comfort to know the woman that we had chosen to say a few words for us, to some extent understood our grief, and was compassionate to say the least! I asked her if it was alright to share Baby Peter with all of you, and she said gladly!

Baby Peter
(Our Brother)
By Rosalind (Reardon) Pinsent

For years I have carried you
In my heart and in my mind
And wondered with passing time.

I've heard so much about you
And the struggle that you had
How no one saw your beautiful face
No one but our Dad.

Now, I didn't fully understand
The story that was told
I just knew we lost a brother
A precious, little soul.

But I remember, Little Baby
As a child standing by the gate
Something was wrong inside our home
And I knew it was too late.

Though I was but a tiny child
I could see all was not well
All was silent, no singing heard
But why, I could not tell.

But as I grew I came to know
What happened on that day
How you were born without life
And they had taken you away.

An understanding of our God
Was my heart's constant song
Know, Little Baby
with our Dad you now belong.

So I baptized you in God's name
The Son and Spirit too
I named you Baby Peter
Restoring dignity to you.

Though we have never seen you
We have found a way
To reunite our family
You have come home to stay.

A little angel rests by a bench
That's carved in your memory
So with our Dad you are there
In spirit for eternity.

And healing comes to our Mom
Who lost you at your birth
Healing for us your siblings too
A gift to us on earth.

I am grateful for God's wisdom
That led us to you, our brother
Too young we were to share the grief
Of our father and our mother.

I know you are a part of the mystery
Of God's eternal love
Where healing flows from the throne
Of God's grace from above.

For nothing breaks the will of God
If we listen and obey
And that is why now, Baby Peter
Healing begins in us today.

Rosalind told us that not long before he passed away, her father, admitted to sneaking into the room that they had laid Peter after his birth. They had him in a dresser drawer (imagine) and he looked at the son he would never know. He had lived all those years without telling anyone, not even his wife this fact!

My favorite part of this poem, is the hope it gives me, that Kristen's memory will carry on in Jenna.

Couldn't hold my tongue any longer!

I had to say something, the first thing I saw on FB this morning was another status about how awful it is leaving her baby in the hospital! I know, for my own mental health, I should just stay off of FB, and for a while I did..... but it's become a habit again. Although, my blog is the first thing I log onto every day. I always want to check up on my blogging friends first.
Anyway, I was nice.. I think... this is what I wrote:
I know it must be tough... But please don't lose sight of your blessings... Jacob WILL be coming home with you! Believe me, the waiting is a small price to pay.
Sending you love, and prayers for strength!
Hope I didn't offend her by it, but maybe coming from me, she will be able to see the big picture, and again be grateful in the fact that her baby is with her on earth, and will someday soon be home with her family.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I have a friend who I had lost touch with for quite a few years... truth be told we had a HUGE falling out, and never spoke for a long long time. We did however add each other as facebook friends! Kind of ironic. Anyway... I noticed from her posts over the last years that they were trying unsuccessfully to have a baby, and finally were resorting to invitro. I used this as a way to make peace with her.. we had something in common again (the falling out was really stupid anyway, just two really stubborn people involved) So, they ended up going a couple of months before we did, and it worked, they were expecting twins! This was wonderful, and we chatted and emailed our way through our pregnancies.... until mine was cut short. We still chatted a bit, not nearly so much. And then she had her boys a month and a half early. One little guy is at home with them, and the other has been having a lot of trouble with infections and his intestines, so he's still in the hospital.. this is I think four months later. I feel for her, really truly, it has to be tough, and it must wear a person down. But she's been posting about how miserable it is lately, and just then put "another holiday in the hospital :(" as her status. I am having a really hard time not commenting! Listen lady, be thankful he is on the mend!! He has been doing excellent according to all previous notes and statuses... he just needs time to build up his strength. It's looking like he will live a normal life, once he gets to go home. Oh man how I would love to write "better in the hospital, then in an urn on your mantel!" grrrrrr! Sorry, her pity party doesn't match mine! I feel really awful for these negative thoughts, but it just makes me want to scream! They deserve there little guy.. but you know what... we deserve our daugher as well!
Happy Easter everyone.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What's in a name - Blog Hop

Rachel from A Lasting Footprint, is celebrating her 80th blog, and she's come up with the fun idea of a blog hop about our baby(ies) name(s)

I'll start with my first born... My crazy two year old:

Jenna Nicole
Jenna's name was decided for her a long time before she was even conceived. I always liked Jenna for a first name, and after I met Ken and his family, I liked the idea of using Nicole, his younger sister's name for a middle. Ken was okay with this, and we just always knew when we had a girl... her name would be Jenna Nicole!

Kristen Eva
We never found out Jenna's sex until she was born... I loved the surprise. But I had promised Ken that if we were lucky enough to have another baby, we would find out. Kristen had other plans, and hid herself nicely on all of the ultrasounds. We have a boys name too... Carter John (Carter because we like it, and John for Ken's Grandfather) But we were undecided on what we would call a girl. I like Caitlyn, and there are a few other names, but the name Kristen was one I thought of and discarded early in the pregnancy. When she arrived, I took one look, and decided she would be Kristen Eva (Eva for my Dad's Mom) Ken agreed, of course, circumstances being what they were, I think he would have let me pick any name I wanted..... but he was good with Kristen. Kristen means follower of Christ.. and Eva means life. Kind of funny now that I have found out the meanings... but she was Kristen Eva from the moment I met her! I have said her name in my mind a million times, and one day, while driving.. I realised that if you mixed up the letters.. you get Stinker... I would have most definitely would have teased her with that growing up... Jenna is my Monkey, and Kristen would have been my Stinker! She probably would have hated that! lol!!! That's alright.. Dad always called me 'Sherri Lynn with the hair on her chin'... because it rhymed, and bugged the crap out of me!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dear Kristen

My little angel,
I miss you, that hasn't changed. It seems like you are in my every thought, every heartbeat, every breath. You're always with me, just not in the way I would have preferred. I wish that we were adjusting to having a one month baby in the house.. imagine that.. you'd be a month old today had we made it to our c-section! Instead, it's been five long, lonely months. I miss you, I wish I could have seen you look up at me with the wonder of seeing the world for the first time. Wish that you had been surrounded by your family as you came screaming into this bright new world, ready for life! I miss you, I miss looking at your tiny perfection, trying to remember every detail of the miracle God gave to me, and then took back. I miss you.
You will always be the part of me that I miss the most.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Happy Saturday!

Happy List Saturday again! I'm not quite participating this week, I'm not making a list for myself... but, I want to dedicate my Happy List to a close friend this week, she is finally pregnant, and I'm actually truly "happy" about it!!!! No mixed feelings, no bottled up resentment towards her.. purely happy! I know why I'm okay with this pregnancy and not so many of the other friends who are pregnant right now.... She's been fighting the same awfull battle I have.. infertility. A is one of the sweetest people I know... so caring, and full of sunshine... she DESERVES this baby. After finally going through invitro, they found out yesterday that it has worked, and she is indeed pregnant!!!! I am praying, praying, praying, that this pregnancy will be healthy.. and that at the end she will take home the baby she's been longing for! If you have a spare moment... send a word up to the big guy for her and her husband will you?!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

decisions

I read recently that one Mama had realised that her baby was the last baby she had held. This is probably true for a lot of us, but I've been thinking about that over the last few days. I've decided that I don't want to hold anyone else's baby... until I've had another of my own, so that I have that opportunity again. And if that never happens, then maybe not until Jenna has children of her own! That memory of her in my arms will never be erased... but I like that she was the last baby I've held. So... I may in the future go to see some of my friends new babies.. when I'm stronger, or more at peace with their existence (or more specifically their existence, while my baby exists only in my heart) But no more baby holding! And if you knew the old me.. I was a baby holding machine... there was nothing I loved more than visiting friends with babies, and snuggling them (the babies that is, not the friends! LMAO!!) I would take any opportunity to hold somebody's baby!

Monday, April 11, 2011

arghghghgh!

So here we are... Paulette had her baby yesterday, and I found out this morning. It's a little girl. Dammit! I know that no matter what she had, it would hurt, but I was kind of praying for a boy. Now I have images of our four girls playing and growing together. Oh God, it hurts! Why do they get their little girl, and not us? It's easy for them to get pregnant... not that I wish baby loss on anyone.. of course I don't... but Why us!? I just want Kristen, I want my whole family!!!!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Happy List Saturday



Here we are again! The weeks seem to be flying by lately... in one sense that's good, in another... it takes me further from Kristen. Anyway.. happy thoughts, happy thoughts right!
Here we go:

1. My hubby is home again!!! You may find me on the computer a lot less in the next three weeks. Ken keeps me busy, and we have a ton of yardwork to do this time he's home. I actually love his schedule, I miss him when he's gone. But he's home now for three solid weeks with nothing to do other than spend time with me and Jenna!

2. We're getting closer to spring... there's still a bit of snow, and we had some flurries yesterday... but it's warming up, and the sun is shining more and more! Every time it snows Jenna says "but I want it to be spring Mommy!" She's ready to get outside and play too!

3. Still excited to go home in May! I can't wait to take Jenna to the rodeo.. I think she'll love it this year!

4. I'm feeling good today.. I have my moments still... but overall things have slowly been improving. That makes me happy!

5. Yesterday on the way home from town, after we picked Ken up.. I was bopping along to Jennas music, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt to be exact... anyway, I really was, singing and dancing away, when Ken caught me (I was so embarassed when I realised how goofy I must have looked!!) But it makes me a little happy to think back and realise that I still can have moments of abandon, where I forget myself, and just enjoy life... even if it's something as trivial as a children's song!

I know that there's more... but those are the big one's this week. So thanks again to Natasha! I hope she's having a great time on her retreat!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

My story

I thought it might be nice to write down a little of our story... a recap anyway!

So I guess I'll start with where I was in life in the years just before I met Ken. I had been working at the Alberta Motor Association doing vehicle registries and vital statistics for a couple of years... it was a pretty good job, but working with 30 women and their bickering and drama wasn't my idea of a great job! So I saw an ad in the paper for Schlumberger Wireline, they weren't asking for any experience. My brother is a Wireliner, so I figured if he could do it, then so could I! The job consisted of driving a five tonne truck to a oil rig, with a crew of two other people, rigging up our equipment (some of the downhole tools weighed over 300lbs!) Staying awake and alert INSANE hours! (One job I was up for 42 hours!) Rigging out again, and driving home. The job was tough, but the pay was great. I was the only female wireline operator in Canada for Schlumberger at the time! There are lots of female engineers... the operators are the grunts on the crew.. lol! So anyway I'm proud of that, I like it that part of my story!
That's where I was in life when I met Ken, I was independant.. owned my own home, and was loving my job! So a friend and I went to an Irish Decendants concert one night (worth checking out Jen they're a great band!!) And that's where I met my hubby! blah blah hit it off, started dating... a year later we bought a house together, and not long after, he proposed! I was doing dishes at the time, so that gives some insight into the hopelessly romantic husband I have! bahaha!
We got married 7 months later, and immediately started trying for babies. I would've had five if it had been easy for us!
About six months into trying I went to the doc to see if he could check into our fertility.. he told me that we had to have been trying for a year before they could do anything. Two weeks later, I booked another appt, and told him that it had now been a year! (I'm also impatient!) It was good that we had, because we found out that Ken has a low count (strike one), and that we would need to do invitro. So we booked an appt with an RE in Edmonton (closest we could get) Edmonton is about a five hour drive from GP, and we did a LOT of trecking back and forth over the next year. We found out in Edmonton at our first appt, that I had a fibroid, that would have to be removed surgically, before we could begin fertility treatment (strike two) So we waited three months to get in for surgery. I was prepped.. laying in the room waiting to go into the operating room, when the doc came in and cancelled (kind of a strike three) he said I would have to go home and rebook (completely wasted trip to Edmonton!) The earliest I could get in again was JUNE... three more months! Anyone who has been dealing with infertility probably hates waiting even a month when ttc! Anyway... surgery was a success (thank god!)
Then we decided to move across the country, which delayed things a bit more. In January 2008, we FINALLY went for our first round of invitro! That gave us Jenna, my sweet little girl! She was born a month early, but was completly healthy.
I would have started again for another when Jenna was about 9 months old, but we were in the middle of building our house at the time, so it was best we waited. As soon as we were finished building, I was off to Vancouver again (f you're wondering why we travelled across the country for this procedure, I plan on writing about this soon) Anyway, again success!!! I know that we were really fortunate that way, each time however we didn't have any frozen.. so fresh cycle this time, and if we go again, it'll be another fresh cycle (boo). And that pregancy was our other sweet little daughter, the one who lives in my heart, and in heaven! You can get to her story here (our biggest strike in our fertility struggles so far!)
So that's it in a nutshell. I'll write more at a later date, I'm sure this is long enough for now!!!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

nerves

I have this unsettled feeling that crept up on me sometime this afternoon... I'm edgy and anxious, and I just can't seem to shake it! I have about a million things that I could/should be doing, and I can't seem to find the focus or the ambition to get any of it done. I've been feeling good these past few days... truthfully, I've been forcing it a bit.. I've been shoving the true feelings back down when they try to resurface... maybe that's where this is coming from. I hate that though! I don't want to pay a price for trying to be a little brighter! I don't know what I need to do... actually I'm really wishing I had a punching bag tonight. That would probably take the edge off of this nervous energy!

Monday, April 4, 2011

ABCs of me:

Stole this from another blog:


A. Age: 33 doesn't bother me.. but somehow the fact that I will be 34 this year really does!!

B. Bed size: Queen. Wouldn't matter if we had two king size beds pushed together, my husband would end up crowding my side, and leaving me just enough room to sleep sideways.. sigh

C. Chore you detest: all of the indoor stuff :P

D. Dog person or cat person: Actually I have both and love them for completely different reasons.....

E. Essential start to your day: caffeine- NEED two cups to get me started

F. Favorite color: deep red

G. Gold or silver: gold

H. Height: 5 foot 3 and a 1/2

I. Instruments you play(ed): LOL... tuba, trumpet, violin... none very well although I claim to play a 'rousing rendition' of Mary had a little lamb on the violin

J. Job title: Domestic Godess

K. Kids: One here and one in heaven

L. Live: In rural Newfoundland, population 100! Mostly seniors.. Good times Good times!

M. Mom’s name: Reita

N. Nicknames: Sparky

O. Overnight hospital stays: too many to count.. childhood asthma, and a couple of surgeries, most recently the night Kristen was born

P. Pet peeves: Self Pity (even though I've been dishing out a lot of it in the last few months)

Q. Quote from a movie: "Life is hard- it's harder if you're stupid" John Wayne

R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: 1 my baby brother

T. Time you wake up: Jenna gets me up at around 7.. I would love it to be 8:30!

U. Underwear: whatevers comfy.. yup.. lucky guy my hubby is!

V. Vegetables you don’t like: green beans

W.What makes you run late: everything in the universe conspiring against me I'm sure

X. X-rays you’ve had: again, lots!

Y. Yummy food you make: I'm a foody, Love to cook, love to eat, so there's LOTS

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Probably the monkeys

Thought it'd be nice to post something a little fun tonight... Anyone else up for it??? I'd love to read your answers!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Mother's Day.....

Sending warmest thoughts and big hugs this Mothers Day to all my BLMs in the UK. Hope that your angels send you some peace on this day, as it can't be an easy one!
xoxo

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Happy List Saturday

Happy List Saturdays!!!
I've finally jumped on board with my happy list, and hope to do so from now on. The past few weeks, I'd look at everyone's happy lists, and wish that I could think of something to write. Today here it is:

1. I guess the first thing I have to be happy for, is finally coming out of the darker side of my grief (I know I'll probably end up visiting that place again in the future) But for now, I can think about Kristen and my heart is warmed by the blessing of having her in my life. Even for such a short time. For now... the clouds have lifted and I feel.. maybe not totally happy, but closer than I've been for quite a while!

2. I'll state the obvious, I'm so happy for my family, immediate and extended. Jenna brings me joy every day, even when I'm at my worst.. she lifts me up.

3. I'm happy that I've found blogging as a means for coping with all of the crap baby loss brings.

4. I'm happy that I'm planning on getting home in May! I miss my parents so much, and hate that they miss so much of Jennas life! I can't wait to see all of my friends and family, and just relax on the farm.

5. I'm happy we're moving forward and thinking about another baby.... even though it scares me. I can't imagine not trying again.

Thanks Aiden's Mommy Natasha, for helping to focus on the good in my life... Sometimes it's so easy to just dwell on the bad! I'm wishing all my BLMs out there happiness in some form today as well. xoxo

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

looking forward

Things are better these last couple of days.... I can't believe the assault of grief living through Kristens date for her section brought me. I'm climbing up again from the depths of despair (literally) And although I'm not quite as high as I was a couple of weeks ago, I'm getting there.... I just wish I could see the top of this hypothetical mountain. It's far away yet I'm afraid.
Moving forward I think is helping me clear my head, or at least has given me something else to focus on, and to hope for... I went for bloodwork today for the fertility clinic, and will hopefully have a sono-hystogram this cycle as well (haven't heard from the clinic here yet about that) If this goes alright, I'll be looking to start the pill next cycle, and will be heading to Vancouver six weeks from then (eek!) The downfall in all this, and I need to seriously, SERIOUSLY think about my timing, is I'll be within a few weeks of the calendar pregnancy (for lack of a better term) as I was with Kristen.. got pregnant end of June last year, and will, if we go ahead as scheduled, and if it's successful, be pregnant end of June again this year. That means I'll be around 22 weeks again next November.. can I handle that? Can I handle postponing everything just to work around this? I'm not sure, I'm extremely impatient.. especially when it comes to making babies. I know this pregancy (if we're lucky again this time) is going to be stressful in itself, and I'm not sure if that will add to my stress levels too much or not. I think I can handle that part of it... I really don't want any more age difference than there already will be, between Jenna and her hoped for sibling. In an ideal world, I would have been due with my second when Jenna was a year and a half, not three and a half. Then again, in an ideal world, Kristen would be here, and I wouldn't be writing any of this!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sadness

I've been reading lots of blogs, and it seems to me that this past week has been harder for a lot of Mamas... not just me. I just want everyone to know, that even though I've been in my own kinda slump, I've been thinking about and praying for everyone else as well. Hoping that if nothing else, time will help to heal our wounds.
God Bless

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I took Jenna to a Birthday party today, and there was a friend of a friend there, who happens to be around 22 wks pregnant, she's a real sweet lady, and I have no bad feelings for her or the baby. I'm just a little uncomfortable with pregnant women right now. Anyway she knew through our mutual friend that this week was one of my tougher ones, and she asked how I was doing. Then she started talking about how she was having a tough week too, one of her friends has just lost one of her twins at 15 months old to SIDS. Here's where I start to question my take on life these days. My heart goes out to that poor mother, I can't possibly imagine what she's going through right now, and wish that no mother ever had to lose their child... but part of me thinks.. I just wish that I could've had 15 months with my angel! Does that make me a horrible person??? What really kinda got to me was the implied there is worse out there that you could experience, so perk up won't ya.. that I read into the conversation. I know there is worse, and harder, and even unimaginable pain.. but what I'm experiencing right now..... is bad enough! I don't need to feel like it could be worse, I don't need comparisons to make me question my grief. I lost my daughter before I got to see her smile, or see her look into my eyes for the first time. JUST BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN BEFORE SHE WAS VIABLE, DOESN'T MEAN I DIDN'T LOSE A CHILD! I lost everything.
At this point, I would do anything for a day with her, let alone 15 months!!!! I'm sorry if anyone disagrees, but it's just the way I feel about things today.

Update

Thanks ladies.... I've been talked down a bit now. I'm not sure what we're going to do. My husband wants me to wait until he gets home (understandable) which is in two weeks time. And my Mom is trying to talk me into giving Skip another chance. He's an outside dog 90% of the time, so it'll be easy to keep him away from Jenna for now. And hopefully she's learned not to be so rough on him. He's been SO patient, she crawls all over him and he's never made even a sign of being aggressive. I'm wondering if she didn't hurt him.. they were in the other room when it happened. As for a shelter.. I hesitate here in this province, I see SO many dogs tied to houses and just ignored here. Not that there aren't people who would give him a loving home, I just wouldn't want to see him abused. It's funny, because back home, he's just a normal dog... here almost everyone comments on how BIG he is (he's not really, just a Shepherd Collie Cross)
Anyway, I love him dearly and the thought of getting rid of him either way really hurts... but Jenna's welfare comes first. I don't think he'd do anything out of aggression... but I hate taking chances.

Dammit!

My dog just bit my two year old! Fuck!! Nothing serious, but he got her up on the forhead, a couple of little marks. But, I have to put him down. I can't keep an animal I can't trust around my kid... what happens if he does it again and gets her face.. he's a big dog! Fuck, Fuck Fuck.. I was in the other room and she may have been pulling on him, he's been so good! I thought he was so good. Tomorrow, Jenna's going to Nanny's again (thank goodness for Nanny) and I'll take him to the vet. My poor, big, goofy, STUPID dog.



Saturday, March 26, 2011

Taking a moment

I've been thinking lots about Kristens twin these days, and how differently I handled that loss. I haven't spoken on my blog about it, or to many people IRL. But they implanted two embryos during my last cycle, both took, one however only grew to around five weeks. During my seven week ultrasound, there were two sacs, and two heartbeats, but the second baby's heartrate was really slow, and like I said, it was behind in growth, we never expected for it to make it. The next time I went for an ultrasound, the baby was gone. I was really okay though, I had built in my head beforehand, that if I ended up with one baby after the process was said and done, we were doing great. Today, maybe because I'm still trying to deal with my compounded grief after Kristen's due date... I'm feeling sad for that little life. I just wanted to acknowledge my poor other bean. The one who really had no chance.
In one sense, I know now that I have too much trouble carrying one child to term, how would my body ever handle two??? When we go through the IVF process all over again, we'll definitely only implant one embryo, I'm praying we end up with frozen this time around.
I'm trying, really trying, to wrap my head around life these days. I function pretty well with Jenna. We play, and laugh, and sing... every now and then, she catches me crying. I try sooooo hard not to have this affect her. I know in a lot of ways it does. After she goes to bed, I fall apart. And like I said, I am trying.. I give myself pep talks and say that tomorrow I'll wake up with a new attitude. I'll deal better with my sad moments, and maybe it won't hurt so much tomorrow. ha! So far no dice. I'm still hoping on tomorrows, and maybe one of these days I'll get lucky. Hibernating at home is getting me nowhere.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Trying to help a fellow Blogger...

Are there any BLM's out there who have lost a baby due to or after fetal surgery??? One of my Bloggies (stole the term from Molly) is looking for someone who can relate to her unfortunate cicumstances. Becky lost her sweet baby Liam after he underwent fetal surgery for spina bifida. I know that she and I share quite a few of the same followers, but there are a few on my blog who don't follow hers yet. Maybe if we all extend the question.. we can find somebody with a situation similar to Beckys. There is such a vast network of grieving Mommy's out there in Blogland, and it would be nice to be able to connect some of them!
Becky blogs at: http://fortheloveofbabyliam.blogspot.com

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hopeless

I want to thank all of my Baby Loss sisters out there... your support over the last few days has been much needed, and thorougly welcomed. I want to say that I'm feeling better, but I just don't feel better. I'm back in the full force pain of her loss, I don't just cry these days, I moan and weep, and everytime the thought of life without Kristen crosses my mind, I can't stifle the horrible sounds that are coming out of me....
Jenna has gone to her Nanny's house today, which is good. I probably really need a day like this all by myself to get out these horrible feelings. Why, Why, Why???? Why do we have to face this?? Why do I still have to think about Ken's cousin and his wife having their baby in just a couple of weeks... every time I face that reality, I feel like throwing up. And from every corner, people are telling me that when the time comes, I'll be strong enough to go meet that baby. BULLSHIT. I'm not strong, I'm so unbelievably weak....... I know to say it's not fair is cliche... but it just isn't. I know I don't deserve this. None of us do.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

And here comes the pain!

I thought I had been doing good.. well as good as can be expected.. I've had my moments over this past weekend, but for the most part, I've been doing okay.
NOWWWWW... reality hits. We're home again, I'm not distracting myself like I was when we were at Natasha's house. I'm here, and Kristen isn't. FUCK.
Every second is a reminder of what should be in my life, and what isn't. I just want to crawl somewhere and hide..........................
Just after I went for invitro with Jenna, and still didn't know if it was successful or not, my parents wanted to have a supper with my Brother, his wife, and their new twin babies (who had been a surprise after they dated for a month). I couldn't do it... I did go see the babies, I was okay with that.. but I couldn't see my parents with their new grandchildren, not when I had been trying so long to give them just that. My mom tried to let me know I was being a bit irrational by saying that my Grandmother had lost a toddler and was still able to visit her sister's kids. I was so upset... how could she even try to undermine what I was feeling. I love my mom, but that stung.... It still stings, I have thought about that conversation soooo many times since. Maybe if I had known at the time that the invitro had worked, and that I too was carrying one of their Grandchildren, I would have been able to handle going to supper.
It's inconcievable to think of losing a child at any age. I don't know how I would be if I had lost Jenna, and not Kristen... but I do know that I love Kristen as much, with every fibre of my being. And that I wish that I could have had her until she was a toddler.. to know the shape of her smile, and the color of her eyes, to be able to comfort her when she was hurt, and most of all to hear the sound of her laughter!
I would tell my my Mom that now I've seen both sides, and I cherish every second I had with my daughter, and to not have had her at all... I think that would have been infinitely harder... I needed to be called Mommy in this lifetime, and if we had gone back to that night again.. I know that I wouldn't trade losing my daughter for being irrational about never carrying a baby, and I still in that situation, wouldn't have been able to see my parents with those twins, at that point in our lives.