I don't exactly know where to begin. It's been almost two months. I can't believe it's almost been two months. I should still be pregnant. I should be almost uncomfortably pregnant by now.. but I'm not. November 18th 2010 my world was shattered.
I didn't know on that day that things were going to go horribly wrong. I knew that I was leaking a small bit of fluid, but maybe it wasn't fluid, maybe I was being overcautious. None the less, I called my Mother in Law to come look after Jenna while I ran into the hospital. I really didn't think anything was serious.. I was singing in the truck on the way into town for God's sake! I grabbed a bite before I went up to emerg.. I was just going to make sure everything was alright.... It wasn't. The Nurses on call didn't think I had much wrong with me either, they casually had me get changed and lay in the examining room until a Doctor was free, I think I was there for almost an hour. The minute they put the speculum inside me, things became serious. Apparently I was five centimeters dialated, with bulging membranes. I was 21 weeks 6 days, too early to be going into labour! They gave me a phone, and I managed to call my husband who was working on an offshore oil rig at the time. He was working night shift so I woke him up, it was about 3pm. I don't remember what I actually managed to say, most of it was sobbing. Poor Ken didn't know what had hit him.
They admitted me, and I was put in a private room with my head at a lower incline. The hope was to ease the pressure on my cervix, and keep me from dialating any further. I didn't have any pain or cramping, so we were hoping to keep me in that position for as long as humanly possible. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone, making sure Jenna was alright with Kens family, letting my Mom and Dad know what was going on. And of course keeping Ken posted. The flights for that day had already left, he was coming home the next morning.
The baby was fine, we could hear the heartbeat on the monitor, I could feel movement. And they even had done an ultrasound, I could see that everything was okay with the baby. I just needed to keep it that way. I don't know how I managed to get through that night, but I did sleep. The next day I had visitors, and plenty of phone calls to occupy my time. Kens flight was cancelled, there was a problem on the rig, and they were refusing to land the choppers. This wasn't a huge problem until about 5pm. That's when the cramping started. I was told to alert the nurses of any changes, so I buzzed, and they called the Doctor. When he came in to examine me, he found that I was about 8 centimeters, and he broke my water. All hope was gone. Ken called at about this time, so at least he knew what was happening. It was fairly quick from then on in. I remember my body betraying me, there was no way I wanted to push, to lose the baby that was doing so well inside of me. But I pushed anyway. I kept screaming to a God who had left the building. It did no good. Kristen Eva was born November 19th at 6:10pm. She weighed 14 ounces. I was 22 weeks that day. At that gestation, there is nothing they will do to revive the baby. They cleaned her up, and gave her to me. She lived in my arms for a short while. The pain I felt in those moments is indescribable. I wanted so much to be able to breath for her, I willed her tiny little lungs to work. Of course they couldn't. The nurses took pictures for me, they gave me a package with the tiny hat and outfit they had dressed her in, the blanket she was wrapped up in, and her footprints on the back of her hospital announcement card.
I'm so thankful for that.
Ken got in the next morning. I'm so sad that he never got to see Kristen, I keep wishing I had held the phone to her so he could have said goodbye while she was still here with us, but I hadn't thought of it at the time.
We had a small service at our house, on November 24th. The day before my birthday. A lady in our community came and prayed with us. She wrote the most beautiful poem for Kristen. My parents came down (they live across the country) I'm so grateful for that.
So here we are, nearly two months later. Still having moments that I feel I can't get my breath, but they're further apart. I'm good most days, for some reason the past couple have been hard again. I don't know how I'm going to survive her due date (my section was scheduled for March 19th) I'm trying to decide how I want to spend it. I think I want to be kept busy on that day, maybe go somewhere. But I'm scared I'll be too much of an emotional basket case to be out in public.
Jenna helps keep me going. There's nothing like a two year old to brighten the darkest of days. She of course doesn't understand. She brings up the baby quite often, I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not. Sometimes it hurts to hear her talk about her baby sister.
Anyway, I'm going to end here. I've never really paid much attention to blogging, but I stumbled on this site tonight, and it seemed like a good way to sort through some of the things I've been feeling. I don't know who's actually going to read it, or if I'm going to tell anybody that I've created this. But I feel a little better tonight, knowing that it's here!
The Gift of Kristen Eva-
I can't help wonder, Little One
As you entered in God's plan
Nestled beneath your Mommy's heart.
Knowing Daddy was close at hand
Did you know your length of stay
Were there secrets that you knew
As you came to share your silent love
For something you had to do?
I heard God tell your family
This gift is rare and true
Behold your greatest teacher
Kristen Eva I give to you.
For you, Little Baby
Will teach about life and love
You'll show heaven's hope and joy
All the beauty that's dreamed of.
This I know with all my heart
There is a reason for all life
For the Creator is compassion
Turning darkness into light.
Something deep is happening
In the heart of this mystery
When families are given special time
To create a memory.
An Innocence, a perfect child
To remember all your days
A picture of pure lovliness
Forever and always.
To look beyond grief and sorrow
To honor the beauty of who you are
Transcending all earthly burdens
Shining like a distant star.
To feel the depth of unspoken love
As you were cradled and caressed
Your journey now begins anew
In God's eternal rest.
These lessons though now difficult
Will dry the tears they cry
As in the company of cherubs
You sing heavens lullaby.
God will hold your family
On that promise you can depend
And they will hold you in their hearts
Until you meet again.
The Giver of life with open arms
Is welcoming and smiling too
How blessed was this moment in time
With the beautiful gift of you.
-Rosalind Reardon Pinsent-