Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Nothing comes to mind

I'm feeling the urge to write tonight... I've spent so much time over the last few days pouring over everyone else's blogs, that I feel I need to contribute to my own.  The problem is I don't know what to say, I couldn't even come up with a title!
I have a cloud following me, it casts a shadow of sadness over everything I try to accomplish.  My husband looks at me sometimes and asks what's wrong, and I just give him 'the look'.  It really surprises me that he has to ask!  Don't get me wrong, I'm doing like I said last night 'alright'.  Sometimes even a little better than that.  I laugh, I joke, I enjoy some things... just not as much, and not in the same way that I would have before.  I wonder if this cloud is here to stay, just a permanent feature on my horizon.. or if I'll be able to let the sun shine through again.  I know that I'm changed, I miss me... my husband misses me.  Everything that happens seems to circle around to thoughts of Kristen.  I picked up a jar of peanut butter at the store, and low and behold it expired the day Kristen was born!  I carry her tucked into my heart, I really don't need these constant reminders of that day.  She should still be inside me, November 19th should have just been a normal Friday.  A girl in the community just had her baby girl, she named her Ava Christine.  I know it's completely different, but it's just too damn close to Kristen Eva for me.  And one of the wierdest coincedences to date was the cabage patch doll Jenna got for Christmas, of all the other days in the year, why did the date on the birth certificate have to be the day I was scheduled to have my C-section... March 19th????  Maybe that one isn't so bad, I should look at it as some sort of blessing, or something.. I don't know.  It took my breath away when I read it, that's for sure!
I'm going crazy waiting for March 19th, maybe I keep thinking that that's going to be the worst, that after that day things will settle for me.  Deep down I'm afraid that this isn't the case.  I know that it's going to be DAMN hard, but I also know that after that day, she's still going to be gone, her urn will still be on the mantle, and my heart is still going to be broken.  That's the killer.

1 comment:

  1. OH, our baby's due date...ugh, that's just a crappy day to be completely honest! Lily's due date was December 3rd and I hate that day still! She also died on the 3rd day of August so I hate that day, too...

    The dark cloud on the horizon does get better though. I mean, parts of that cloud will always be on your heart! Some days I have completely sunny skies, other days are partly cloudy and sometimes, I feel like my heart is just a thunderstorm of anger still. We had our rainbow baby in November 2009 so he gives me reason to keep smiling but he doesn't replace Lily.

    I look forward to reading about your journey and I'm here to help in any way that I can! Huge ((hugs))

    Also, Kristen is beautiful! Thank you for sharing her with us!

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