Monday, January 24, 2011

Surviving January

I've made it past the two month mark.  Two more to go until Kristens due date.  I don't think watching the dates like I have been is probably healthy, or helping my grieving process.  But I don't exactly know what's normal, and since I can't seem to stop doing it.....
We went out to the cabin for a couple of nights anyway.  For me it was a good excuse to escape, no phone, or internet, or people in general!  My DH hasn't been keeping track and was a little surprised when I told him what significance the date held for me.  We had a lot of drinks and a really good talk about how we felt about our future.  He pretty much said that he's okay with whatever we decide to do.  Getting pregnant again for us isn't easy.  We'd have to do invitro again, complete with egg retrieval.  I was so lucky to get pregnant twice using invitro, what if that luck has run out, and we end up $10k further in debt, and not pregnant?  When it was Kristen, I was willing to take that chance to have a second baby.  Now that she's gone, I'm not sure how much more I can handle.  Then there's the fact that it's me that's having trouble carrying.  My cervix was incompetent... do I want to risk losing another baby if we do conceive again????  I'm not ready quite yet to make any decisions, I'm waiting to see if I survive March first, I want to get past that date, take a breath and ask myself if I'm willing to expose myself to that kind of pain again.
In the meantime, I haven't mentioned Ken's cousin and his wife yet.  She's become a dear friend of mine, and our first babies were 3 months apart, both girls.  Jenna and her daughter have a lot of fun together.  This time around she was due 3 weeks behind me, which means 3 weeks after Kristen should have been born, I have to face meeting there new bundle of joy.  Oh joy.  Dont' get me wrong... I wish them nothing but the best, it's just unavoidable, and I've been doing my best to stay in contact with my friend, even though she's looking more and more pregnant every time I see her.  I made myself call and go for coffee with her in the first weeks after we lost Kristen.  I knew that the longer I waited, the more uncomfortable that first meeting would be.  I bawled the whole way to her house, and the whole way home.  But we did have a good visit, and kept the conversation light.  In fact we really haven't brought up any feelings, which is okay with me.  Some people I can talk to about this, she, right now, isn't one of them.  If she wasn't pregnant right now, I'm sure I'd be able to open up to her.  But, I know how hard this is for her too, and my friendship with her is too important to me to risk losing because of an awkward situation made more awkward by shedding light on it.

Over all, I think I'm doing alright.  Jenna is definitely my lifeboat, and I have huge feelings of guilt about exposing my two year old to my grief.  I try my best not to cry in front of her, sometimes I can't help it.  She's become extremely sensitive to my moods, and is constantly asking if I'm happy.  It's so not fair to her!!  No little girl should have to worry about whether or not their parent is 'happy'.

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