Thursday, February 24, 2011

so not good....

I'm so fucking full of pent up rage tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started off trying to write about hopes and wishes, then went to a poor me rant about our infertility and after ALL we've been through still losing Kristen! But it's not enough, it doesn't take the edge off of what I'm really feeling, I just want to put my fist through a wall, or throw my computer off of my desk, anything anything anything to get rid of this horrible feeling inside of me!
The further we get from the day we lost Kristen the less people seem to think about it or seem to care, and I know I can't expect everyone to mourn forever. But I will. I just want my baby.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Have patience with me, I'm learning how this blog hop thing works.. I added my blog to the list a few days ago, and just realised that I have to write a post about hope to go along with it. I have to say, that the other blogs I have read in the past few days have been beautiful and inspiring. Thanks to all the Mamas out there who have participated, this whole blogging adventure has given me hope!

This is what I am hoping:

1. I hope this blog hope continues into the months ahead. The 19th of every month has such meaning to me. Kristen was born on the 19th of November, and her scheduled c-section was for the 19th of March. So I'm so glad that on the days of the month that I am the saddest, there will be a flood of hope pouring through online, for me, and for every BLM out there.

2. My beautiful family, I have hope for many bright days in my future, with my husband by my side, watching Jenna grow!

3. I have hope for more children, not to replace Kristen, but to share in the bountiful love that I have in my heart! I hope that I can carry another baby to term.

4. I have hope for the online friendships that are blossoming as a result of our heartbreaks. The words of support that I have received since starting this blog mean the world to me, and have helped me more than I think anything else has been able to! Thank you sooooooo much ladies!

5. Last, I have hope that everyone I have met online is able to find their own sense of peace. That one day, thoughts of their precious babies will give them more comfort than heartache. The love I carry in my heart extends to all of you, and your journeys as well. xo

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Three Months

Three months has passed since I welcomed you into my arms. Three months since the horrible realization that you were going to enter and leave our world all too soon. Three months since I kissed your beautiful face, and told you how much you were loved and wanted! Turns out three months isn't going to be just another day. I'm so lost and lonely without you.....
It looks like my snowman is also feeling our pain. When I looked outside today this is what I saw:

Funny thing is, he did this all by himself, it was pretty warm last night so I guess his smile just drooped!!

Friday, February 18, 2011

just some pics from today.

Days like this are so strange... I'm fine, even feeling pretty good most of the day, but then moments hit me and I'm crying my eyes out... but even through the tears, I'm not dragged down, I still feel not to bad, other than the crappy thoughts that are making me cry! Fine again, crying again, you get the picture! All in all, it's better than the mood I was in last week.
Tomorrow is the three month mark, and is exactly one month until the dreaded due date. I can't believe how my life has changed in three months, well I can, because it actually changed in a heartbeat. I've just spent the last three months trying to adjust to it. I'm trying not to dwell on the three month thing too much, after all, it's just another day.. right? I've been doing alright, this newly adjusted me.. I miss my daughter terribly, not a minute goes by without thoughts of her.. see crying again! arghghhh!
And life goes on......

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

sink or swim,... today I'm swimming!

I have to write today because I don't want people to think I'm down and depressed all of the time. While I don't think I'm ever going to be the person I was again, I can still have moments in which I'm okay with the world. Today my head is above water, today I have found something to cling to and I'm not drowning in my sorrow. It's just a normal day around here, but I woke up with a good attitude, and I'm making the best of it. I even took Jenna to a new playgroup this morning, something I've been meaning to do for the past year, and just hadn't done. I suffered through a 'time for another one' comment, and even told the woman that we had just lost our 'other one'. And I'm still okay. I'm going to run with this ambition that I'm feeling, and maybe catch up on some housework that I didn't have the energy to care about this last week... yup, today's that good ;)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

keeping my head above water

today is a bad day. I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of some sort of breakdown. Every breath I have taken today has been forced.. keep calm keep calm keep calm is the mantra I keep running in my head. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, there has been nothing new going on to set me off, I just woke up feeling like I'm sinking. My friend Lori came for a visit/playdate with her little ones, and for a while I was okay, it was nice to have the distraction. As soon as she left I felt myself go under again. Seriously, can you drown without water?????
Maybe it's because I've let myself start thinking about trying again, and have become fixated on how we are going to bring another child into this household. I phoned an adoption liason for Newfoundland on Friday and found out that if you want to adopt a child under 3, you're looking at an eight year waiting period. Not that much shorter for a four or five year old! AND, because they won't 'disturb the pecking order' we can't adopt a child older than Jenna, not allowed. So adoption is pretty much out of the question for us. I know that I should feel blessed with my one, that there are sooooo many women out there that would kill to have just one baby. I was one of those women when we first went for invitro, we were so lucky to have it work for us. But now, we're living in a community where there are 4 children under the age of ten, and the closest one to Jennas age is two years older than she is! If we were in a city where there were kids in her neighborhood, I would feel better, I grew up on a farm, and we were isolated.... but I always had my brother, and even though we fought a lot of the time, at least I had someone to fight with! I'm soooooooo scared of trying to carry another child, of going through the mental exhaustion that comes with a round of invitro.... but I suppose if that's our only resort. I'll have to do it.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

My sign

A little while ago, I was wishing that I had some sort of symbol to remind me of Kristen. It came to me last night! I was feeling a little sad going to bed last night, it wasn't a bad day... I was just missing Ken because he's offshore again, and missing Kristen as always. Anyway, as I was laying down I happened to look out my window, and through one of the panes, was a bright little star. In that moment I felt a peace kind of come over me, like I haven't felt in a while. And I remembered a line from the poem Rosalind had written for Kristen
"To look beyond grief and sorrow
To honor the beauty of who you are
Trancending all earthly burdens
Shining like a distant star."
So that's my thing now. I've always loved the night sky, and what a nice thought to think she's up there shining down on me as I sleep. Maybe it's foolish, but it gives me comfort.
I had an appt. made to have her footprints tattooed on my back made for today, and originally I was going to have a butterfly above the right foot, instead, I had them surround her feet with stars. I love it!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Mommy's Tummy

So Jenna and I were playing with a balloon this morning, she was having a blast, when she decided that she wanted the balloon in 'mommy's tummy'! She wanted me to put the balloon under my shirt, and pretend it was in my belly. I couldn't do it! Her being her two year old persistent self, kept yelling 'I want it in your tummy mommy!' Poor little innocent girl had no idea what she was doing to my emotions. Such a simple fun gesture for her, was ripping me up inside. I wanted to keep playing with her and pretend that there was nothing wrong with what she was asking (which there wasn't) But there was no way I was going to put that balloon under my shirt and make myself look as pregnant as I should be right now! We both ended up in tears by the time I could distract her with something else. I feel so awful.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Dear Kristen

My precious Kristen, this morning when I woke up, the first thing I saw was your picture hanging on the wall in our bedroom.  It feels me with such a sense of longing every time I look at your sweet little face, I want so badly to be able to kiss you once more, and tell you just how much you are loved and missed!  I've created a picture in my head of what you would have looked like as a little girl.  Your big sister is a mirror image of her daddy, so in my head, you are my little me.  Even looking at your features when you were so small, and had so much developing to do, you had my nose, and mouth, and so in my mind, I've given you big brown eyes.. red hair, and huge smile!  Jenna is sweet and caring, and imaginative.  I think you would have been all of these things, but maybe a little more devilish!  I don't care if you had been any of things things... I just want YOU!  However you would have looked, or what your outlook on life would have been... I'd give anything to give you the chance to live.  We worked so hard to create you little girl, and we wanted you so badly!  Please know that I am so sorry that my body betrayed both of us!  Thank you for fighting, thank you for living for those few hours in my arms, we created a precious memory that time will never erase!  I love you baby girl, and think about you all of the time!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Do we want another try??

I had a good talk with my husband tonight.  I told him that I think  I want to try invitro once more.   I feel I owe it to Jenna to try to again, also to myself, I really do want more kids.  I've been weighing the options ever since we lost Kristen, and this is the first time I felt with any conviction, that I would actually take the risk.  I'm scared to death that we'll just end up hurt again, but my fertility Doc told me that if we were considering trying again, she would encourage us.  She thinks that with closer monitoring, we can get to term.  I wish she could know that for sure.  There's still a lot to discuss, my husband works three weeks offshore, and then is home for three weeks.  It's a great schedule, when I'm healthy enought to hold down the fort, but if I end up on bed rest for any length of time, I'll have to rely on my MIL to take care of Jenna, and maybe me.  Obviously she will have to be on board before we can try.
There's also the money issue.  Again no frozen embryos, so another egg retrieval is needed.... yay.
I hope that somebody reads this who has had a rainbow baby after an incompetent cervix... or even those who have tried and lost again a second time. I need some input, good and bad!  Actually I really need some support from anyone out there in BLM land..... I have my name in to add my blog to the baby loss directory, but since that hasn't been updated since last Feb... I'm thinking I might have to wait a while!  If you happen to stop in on my blog.. please please please give me some comments!  I have to thank Jen, who has done this already, you don't know how much it means to here from somebody who has walked this path.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Just rambling

I'm having troubles... reading through all of these blogs (which seems to be what I do every chance I get a spare minute in my day)  is healing and hurtfull at the same time.  It's helpful to know that there are so many women out there who understand what I'm going through, I would love the opportunity to communicate with more of them.  But, I'm finding a whole new set of regrets, some women talk of being able to sleep beside there angels the first night.  If I had done that, Ken would have been able to see Kristen the next morning, he got in around 10am, I'm sure he would have been able to meet her, and hold her.  I didn't know that was an option for us.  Maybe here it wasn't, but I sure wish I could go back to that moment in time and ask.  That's the biggest one right now.... I wish that I could find some sort of symbol to represent Kristen, I see that some women use butterflies, or birds, or even monkeys (which is what I call Jenna a lot of the time).  But I can't seem to settle on anything.  I would like to include a symbol with Kristen's footprints when I get them tattooed on me........sigh.
Life is going okay though, I've made a decision to put my grieving aside as much as I can, to save it for private moments, and to concentrate on Jenna again.  The other day we made a snow castle and had a princess tea party outside, just me and her.  It was so much fun!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My sweet little Jenna with the huge heart.  My little girl shouldn't have to cry when she sees Mommy crying (which, unfortunately is all too often)  She shouldn't pause in the middle of her playing and say "Mommy are you happy" out of the blue.  It tells me that she worries about me, even when I'm not crying.  I HATE that I'm doing this to her.  Life at two years old shouldn't involve stress, or death, or Mommys breakdowns.  She is so sensitive and loving, and I love that side of her, but wish I didn't have to bring it out in her this way.  I want to wrap my arms around her and never ever ever let go again.  I want to protect her from every bad thing that could ever possibly happen to her.  I wanted this before we lost Kristen, but now those feelings are overwhelming.  I'm so torn, I want to treasure every second with her, and store every smile, laugh, kiss into my memory.  Yet, I cause her not to smile and laugh sometimes, I should do more fun things with her to create these memories, but I'm too wrapped up in grief some days.  Those days I'm losing time with the daughter that is here and that needs me more than anything. I want to shake off the hurt, and continue to live, for myself, but mostly for Jenna.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Finding an outlet.. continued

Was still thinking about this post this evening, and I realised I forgot to mention something else that I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for every second I got to spend with my beautiful little baby.  Every flutter and kick while she was in utero, and the time in the hospital when I finally got to see her sweet little face.  I wouldn't erase that part of my life for anything, and while I desparately wish she was still safe inside me.  I'm so grateful for the time I had with her.  God Bless you Kristen, Mommy loves you so much xoxo

Finding an outlet

I came across a blog today that I think I might try out myself.  It was a list of all of the things she was angry about after the loss of her baby.... Just a vent really, sounds like a good idea to me so here we go:

1.  I'm angry that I lost the chance for Jenna to be 'close in age' to her sibbling.  I dreamed of having two children about a year and a half apart.  Infertility took that away from us, so I was happy enough to have my babies two and a half years apart.  That's gone now too.

2.  I'm angry that there may never even be a living brother or sister for Jenna.

3.  I'm angry that people keep telling me I'm 'tough'... does this mean I'm not supposed to mourn??  Just dust myself off and go on.  I don't feel very tough lately.

4.  I'm angry that the world didn't stop the day we lost Kristen.  Mine did.

5.  I'm angry that I'm in limbo, waiting for March, and dreading March.

6.  I'm angry that I'm angry!

7.  I'm extremely angry that I've lost the part of me that was always cheerful.  That was ME.

Okay, that being done.. I feel the need to go ahead with some of the things I'm thankful for, maybe to offset my rant:

1.  My family, my caring, loving husband, my beautiful little girl, even my dog, and cat!
2. My health, other than my damn cervix!
3. My friends who have listened when I needed them to.
4. Finding the baby loss directory.
5. God, even though we're a little on the outs right now.  I do have a lot to thank him for.