Sunday, February 13, 2011

keeping my head above water

today is a bad day. I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of some sort of breakdown. Every breath I have taken today has been forced.. keep calm keep calm keep calm is the mantra I keep running in my head. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, there has been nothing new going on to set me off, I just woke up feeling like I'm sinking. My friend Lori came for a visit/playdate with her little ones, and for a while I was okay, it was nice to have the distraction. As soon as she left I felt myself go under again. Seriously, can you drown without water?????
Maybe it's because I've let myself start thinking about trying again, and have become fixated on how we are going to bring another child into this household. I phoned an adoption liason for Newfoundland on Friday and found out that if you want to adopt a child under 3, you're looking at an eight year waiting period. Not that much shorter for a four or five year old! AND, because they won't 'disturb the pecking order' we can't adopt a child older than Jenna, not allowed. So adoption is pretty much out of the question for us. I know that I should feel blessed with my one, that there are sooooo many women out there that would kill to have just one baby. I was one of those women when we first went for invitro, we were so lucky to have it work for us. But now, we're living in a community where there are 4 children under the age of ten, and the closest one to Jennas age is two years older than she is! If we were in a city where there were kids in her neighborhood, I would feel better, I grew up on a farm, and we were isolated.... but I always had my brother, and even though we fought a lot of the time, at least I had someone to fight with! I'm soooooooo scared of trying to carry another child, of going through the mental exhaustion that comes with a round of invitro.... but I suppose if that's our only resort. I'll have to do it.

1 comment:

  1. I so get the desire to have just one more child. I feel so blessed to have my sweet Coop but I so wish that he could have a brother or sister. You'll never feel alone in this world when you have a sibling, ya know?

    I'm 30 months into this life without Lily and I still have those moments where my heart feels so lost.

    Praying for your peace xoxo