Wednesday, February 2, 2011
My sweet little Jenna with the huge heart. My little girl shouldn't have to cry when she sees Mommy crying (which, unfortunately is all too often) She shouldn't pause in the middle of her playing and say "Mommy are you happy" out of the blue. It tells me that she worries about me, even when I'm not crying. I HATE that I'm doing this to her. Life at two years old shouldn't involve stress, or death, or Mommys breakdowns. She is so sensitive and loving, and I love that side of her, but wish I didn't have to bring it out in her this way. I want to wrap my arms around her and never ever ever let go again. I want to protect her from every bad thing that could ever possibly happen to her. I wanted this before we lost Kristen, but now those feelings are overwhelming. I'm so torn, I want to treasure every second with her, and store every smile, laugh, kiss into my memory. Yet, I cause her not to smile and laugh sometimes, I should do more fun things with her to create these memories, but I'm too wrapped up in grief some days. Those days I'm losing time with the daughter that is here and that needs me more than anything. I want to shake off the hurt, and continue to live, for myself, but mostly for Jenna.