Thursday, February 24, 2011

so not good....

I'm so fucking full of pent up rage tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started off trying to write about hopes and wishes, then went to a poor me rant about our infertility and after ALL we've been through still losing Kristen! But it's not enough, it doesn't take the edge off of what I'm really feeling, I just want to put my fist through a wall, or throw my computer off of my desk, anything anything anything to get rid of this horrible feeling inside of me!
The further we get from the day we lost Kristen the less people seem to think about it or seem to care, and I know I can't expect everyone to mourn forever. But I will. I just want my baby.


  1. Listen, one day I had my hubby hold up a pillow and I just beat the hell out of the pillow until I couldn't hit anymore. All the while with tears running down my face. Hit something! Scream and being pissed because it isn't fair!

    As always ((hugs))

  2. I'm so sorry you're having a bad day (or, bad time).

    It gets easier. Not by much, but it does get easier. But you're right. No one (unless they have lost a baby) understands. No one. They may try, but they really have no idea. And a lot of time they add to the hurt by trying to make you feel better.

    No advice. Just electronic hugs and prayers. Focus on breathing, and cry freely. Bottling it up is no good either.


  3. I agree... let it out. I bottled it up after the initial mourning period was over and it came back to bite me later in the year and probably one of the main reasons why I've struggled to get pregnant again. We all remember her with you... others really don't understand, unless they've been through something similar, or they are just too uncomfortable to say anything. Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs too xoxo

  4. I agreed with you completely and if you can scream or even hit a pillow like JenJen said do it! There are days I just wish someone would say the wrong the thing to me so I could just have a reason to yell at someone, probably not the best advice, but let it out if you have to.

  5. It must be harder to just have 'terrible' days with a little one at home too.. In a way, maybe it was easier to grieve, since Noah was my first, and Charlotte came along later. (with fertility issues too- so I understand!... we have even more in common.. too bad it isn't good stuff)

    We have to get together soon! I can hold up a pillow for you to punch- and I can defintly be a sounding board for anything you want to say/scream/cry!

    I had so many days/moments/months like this.. and still do sometimes. I know it's almost impossible to believe- but although the pain doesn't go away, it does get easier to live with.. and a little softer over the years. Promise.
    thinking of you, and your girls


  6. Thanks ladies.. it's nice to know there are people out there who understand. Today was better, and Ken's home again now, so that helps alot!

  7. And yes, Jane... I may take you up on that one of these days!

  8. (((HUGS)))
    These days sneek up on you and it hurts I know...I'm so sorry you have to walk this road, but please know all us that have been walking the road alittle, or alot longer are here for you.
    You have every right to be sad,mad,hurt,angry..but you also have a right sweetie to be happy and there will be happy days even happy days with tears...I'm here if you need to talk.

  9. I was posting almost the same thoutta the other night, never finished tho!! I am so very sorry, it sucks it does! I get those same flashes of intense rage and I just want to scream, kick, hit...anything!
    I'm sorry!
    We never forget! We r electronically here anytime, especially when no one else gets it...we r here!

  10. I def understand exactly the way you are feeling right now! I cried and cried and cried the first day that we did not get any sympathy cards. Now that Stella's service is over I feel like everyone wants me to "get back to normal" and that they have all forgotten about her. I just can't do it... I just can't! I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you are feeling right now.