My husband is home again, and I've been feeling like I don't have enough time to sit down and blog. I've been reading everyone's faithfully, but to organize my own thoughts enough to form sentences.. that hasn't happened in a while. It's a good thing to be kept busy, it keeps me from dwelling, which is what I tend to do when left to my own thoughts. But, I feel like I'm filling up inside, and if I don't write things down the pressure keeps building, I need the release blogging gives me. Weird addiction, but it helps so much to just be able to sit here and let my fingers fly over the keyboard, every letter eases my tension!!
I haven't been writing, but it doesn't mean things have gotten any easier, most of my thoughts are consumed by what ifs, and if onlys...... I think about Kristen constantly, I think that if things had worked out in our favor, she would be here by now. I probably never would have made our due date... Jenna was a month and a day early. They were going to start monitoring my cervix on Dec 14th, if only they had done that earlier. She would probably be here now with us. That is hard to wrap my head around, I should have a newborn baby in my house now. We should be sleepless, and frazzled, and completely blissfully happy. Instead, I'm sleepless, frazzled, and miserable!
The rational me says that Kristen would be here now, and that March 19th is just another day. Had things gone well, I would have looked at the calendar, and told Kristen 'this is the day we had planned for you to arrive.' The emotional me is heading toward March 19th, kicking, screaming, and threatening utter chaos! Once that day has come and gone, my link to my pregnancy is over. It's a wierd feeling, wanting to hang on to the 'I should still be pregant' I don't know why I have these thoughts at all.... I guess right now I've lived thinking she should still be inside me, I've spent my time trying to come to grips with that... I haven't ventured into the I should have a baby now mode, and it scares the hell out of me! Right now I shy away from pregnant women... and although I can handle seeing babies.. I'm okay with them. Something tells me that's about to change. That this new chapter is going to be just as hard, if not in some ways harder. I'm going to spend my days looking at children and thinking of all the moments Kristen is missing. I haven't really allowed myself to do that yet. I hate seeing girls with baby sisters though, it tears me apart inside that Jennas sister is in heaven.....
So as we get nearer to my due date, I'm still torn. I don't know what I want to do on that day. My husband is going to be offshore again, he leaves the day before. Part of me wants to be alone, and part of me wants to spend it with Jenna. Part of me wants to be kept busy so that I can get through it, and part wants to sit at home with the curtains closed and bawl my eyes out. I'm hoping I can come up with an answer soon, so at least I'll know what to do with myself... it's going to suck no matter what!