Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hopeless

I want to thank all of my Baby Loss sisters out there... your support over the last few days has been much needed, and thorougly welcomed. I want to say that I'm feeling better, but I just don't feel better. I'm back in the full force pain of her loss, I don't just cry these days, I moan and weep, and everytime the thought of life without Kristen crosses my mind, I can't stifle the horrible sounds that are coming out of me....
Jenna has gone to her Nanny's house today, which is good. I probably really need a day like this all by myself to get out these horrible feelings. Why, Why, Why???? Why do we have to face this?? Why do I still have to think about Ken's cousin and his wife having their baby in just a couple of weeks... every time I face that reality, I feel like throwing up. And from every corner, people are telling me that when the time comes, I'll be strong enough to go meet that baby. BULLSHIT. I'm not strong, I'm so unbelievably weak....... I know to say it's not fair is cliche... but it just isn't. I know I don't deserve this. None of us do.

13 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time right now. It seems to come in waves...

    Cry, moan, scream as loud as you want to. I ask myself why all the time too...

    Don't worry about having to meet someone else's baby- this is something no one but you understands and only you know if/when you can do that. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do.

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  2. I still have a hard time meeting new borns, and I really still do'nt function well at baby showers- i generally don't go.. actually I haven't been to one since noah died except my own, for Charlotte.
    Newborn boys, with dark hair and eyes... still get me.. i could be in the mall, and I just get weak in the knees. It doesn't realy stop.. it just becomes more normal.. sucky, i know.

    I hope the days are kinder to you, and that some peace finds you. Jenna is safe and happy with her Nanny I'm sure- so you just worry about you right now!!

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  3. At least for myself I said the same thing about being around other babies, but in all honesty you never really know how you are going to be till you are in the situation. I surprised myself. *hugs*

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  4. No babies for me! If on a particular day seeing a baby doesn't happen to upset me (although it ususally does), I hate the feeling of all the eyes on me wondering how I will react. So, I've decided no babies. Period. If someone doesn't understand, then they can take a hike!!! I too am so thankful for all of my "bloggies" as I call you all to the friends I see face-to-face. LOL! I don't know what I'd do without you!! And BTW, I'm not feeling much better either, and it's been 7 months. This is officially a sucky week all around, I think.

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  5. Lily has been gone for 2.5 years and I still haven't gone to a baby shower. I don't want to and I won't...IF and when you want to then you can see the baby but don't let anyone force you to do anything before you're ready!

    You're so right that none of us deserve this...((hugs))

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  6. So sorry to hear that you're still feeling so in pain... you've got to do what is right for you and look after yourself. If that means not seeing a newborn baby, then that's OK. I'm sure they'd understand. We certainly don't deserve this. All my heart and thoughts are with you at the moment xoxo

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  7. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I have often found no human words can comfort me in those moments. And no one - NO ONE - can tell you how you will feel. I think each of us has to deal with our grief in our own way. I hope God's Word can comfort you as it has me:
    "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One...your Savior." ~Isaiah 43:2-3a

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  8. I'm so sorry :( I somewhat understand(although your pain and grief is all your own) My sister-in-law had her baby three weeks after I lost my Joshua. The week after I lost Joshua, she was complaining to me about still carrying the baby. I can't help but ask, "Why does she get to have a healthy baby?" She doesn't even take care of the one she has. I still haven't went to see that baby yet. Hopefully, time will give all us enough strength and peace so that we can be around other babies. Don't try to force yourself, though. Take care. *hugs*

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  9. I am so grateful to have met you and all of the others, you guys are the closest to understanding as I can get. And none of us deserve this. It just sucks!
    If you don't want to go see the baby, then don't, and I hope they would understand why. I just had another friend have a baby yesterday, and sure I'm happy for her, but grrr why can't I have my baby-this is her 4th!
    Hopefully one day we will all find a little more peace, but for now just let it out if you have to- scream, cry, get angry.
    Thinking of you and Kristen always

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  10. I have no desire to go to a baby shower. Two of my closest friends have had babies recently, and I thought I could. But I can't. I can't buy them baby gifts. I tried. Ive yet to go see one of my best friends twins.
    Thinking of you and Kristen and you can feel however you want--sometimes I scream and yell. ((Hugs!!))

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  11. My heart is aching for you. I have felt all of these things. I've done silent screams, screamed into pillows, punched pillows and the bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. It has been 9 months and 3 weeks since Jacob died. It does get easier, but it never goes away. Not that any day is easy and void of pain. That just hasn't happened for me, not even close. But a new normal developes and life gets easier to live as it does.

    My sister is 35 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. I am scared of holding her baby, but I'm more scared that something bad will happen. Still, when he is born, it will take all of my willpower and strength to go to the same hospital where Jacob was born and hold my new nephew.

    I think of you and Kristen often. I wish I could bring her back for you. Sending you love...

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  12. Yeah, all of my cousins are having babies and it's really hard to deal with. I have people telling me that I HAVE to be happy for them. And I think...no..no I don't. It's definitely hard. I know my sister-in-law had to deal with me getting pregnant when she has been trying for 5 years and I could see the bitterness towards me. They're all natural feelings so don't sweat it. And I agree...NONE of us deserve any of this. I find myself constantly saying, this is not fair!! or I ask Why? No matter how far I progress, it's those two things that I fall back on every time.

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  13. I don't know if we'll ever get over pregnant women, or look at them the same way again. But I do know that we need to grieve, and if people don't understand that is just their fault. This is a long road, and there are some days we make lots of progress, but then it only takes one bad day to set back weeks of progress. I don't know if it'll ever change, but at least we have a support group with each other!
    {hugs} and don't ever doubt your strength--just getting out of bed in the morning, and going through a daily routine takes ounces of strength that often we don't know where it comes from!!

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