Sunday, March 27, 2011

I took Jenna to a Birthday party today, and there was a friend of a friend there, who happens to be around 22 wks pregnant, she's a real sweet lady, and I have no bad feelings for her or the baby. I'm just a little uncomfortable with pregnant women right now. Anyway she knew through our mutual friend that this week was one of my tougher ones, and she asked how I was doing. Then she started talking about how she was having a tough week too, one of her friends has just lost one of her twins at 15 months old to SIDS. Here's where I start to question my take on life these days. My heart goes out to that poor mother, I can't possibly imagine what she's going through right now, and wish that no mother ever had to lose their child... but part of me thinks.. I just wish that I could've had 15 months with my angel! Does that make me a horrible person??? What really kinda got to me was the implied there is worse out there that you could experience, so perk up won't ya.. that I read into the conversation. I know there is worse, and harder, and even unimaginable pain.. but what I'm experiencing right now..... is bad enough! I don't need to feel like it could be worse, I don't need comparisons to make me question my grief. I lost my daughter before I got to see her smile, or see her look into my eyes for the first time. JUST BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN BEFORE SHE WAS VIABLE, DOESN'T MEAN I DIDN'T LOSE A CHILD! I lost everything.
At this point, I would do anything for a day with her, let alone 15 months!!!! I'm sorry if anyone disagrees, but it's just the way I feel about things today.


  1. A loss is a loss no matter what...I totally agree with you. It makes me angry when people imply that it didn't matter and that it could be worse. Grief is grief and burying a child is unnatural.

    Sending hugs your way!

  2. There's no better/worse when it comes to losing your baby. It sucks no matter the situation, the cause, the timing, etc...

    I read somewhere someone (I think possibly a BLM, but I could be wrong...) wrote that once a woman finds out she's pregnant, she sets a place at her table for her child. I like that. It's so true. You start planning for their life from the moment a second line appears.

    We all have different trials. I saw my son's eyes but I also saw him suffer and that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Would I give that up though, to never have met him, to erase those moments which haunt me? Absolutely not. NEVER. I too would give anything to have him for just one more moment- I'd straight up lay my life down for his.

    I can't begin to imagine what I would do if I'd never have met him and fed him and kissed his sweet body. I can't imagine losing a baby to stillbirth, nor an incompetent cervix, or during surgery meant to heal him. Nor can I imagine losing my baby to SIDS once I really knew him, children's cancers or any other horrible thing which we BLMs now know first happens despite our wish that it didn't. These are things I can't understand because their not my story. Nor would I ask anyone who hasn't lost an infant to understand what that's like.

    It's all awful, all the time. It just sucks. A life is a life.

  3. I agree... losing a child at any stage is almost impossible to deal with and I coming to realise more and more that generally people (who haven't experienced it) don't see pregnancy loss as losing a child. It is... I guess sometimes people don't know what to say and come up with things to try to help us feel better. All my heart and thoughts are with you xoxo

  4. Sherri--

    I feel that way so much. People have made comments to me that felt almost like a "who has it worse" competition. Liam was also born before he was viable and when he was born, they couldnt help him. He was just left to pass away.

    Everyone's story is just as terrible, tragic, and shattering as anyone else's. I'm so sorry someone made that comment to you.

  5. I have read and heard so many different stories as I am sure you have read also and sometimes end up feeling like I had it easy compared to some people-questioning my grief in a way like you said. Not that I wanted to lose my son, but am happy that he never had to suffer either.
    I have caught myself many times feeling angry why I couldn't even have 1 day with him alive, and jealous at the people that got that or like you said 15 months-at least they got to meet there child while alive. So I don't think you are horrible at all for thinking that.
    People just shouldn't do comparisons at all because in the end losing a child no matter what age or for whatever reason is the worse thing that can happen.
    Sounds like you have had just a rough day and things have just sucked in general for you, I am so sorry. Hugs to you sweetie

  6. I want to clarify too, I don't attempt to put myself into anyone else's shoes, like you have all said, it's just horrible for anyone who loses a child, and although I never had any time with Kristen, I never had to see her suffer either. Our situations are all so different.. yet they lead to the same result, we all have aching hearts and empty arms. Thank you everyone for your kind words and understanding!

  7. Difficulty seeing pregnant women goes on for a long time, maybe forever. It has been almost 10 months since Jacob died and I still feel bad when I see a pregnant women, especially a woman is who 5 months pregnant, as I was when he was born. Those ones get to me the most.

    I have also wished that I could have kept Jacob longer. Even if it meant him dying at a later date, at least I would have had more time with him. It is a strange place to be envious of a women who had her baby for 15 months and then have the baby die, but I've been there too.

  8. i have felt the same way..... i had wyatt for 13 days but i wish i had more time with him, more memories, more pictures. all loss is hard but i remember telling my grief counselor one of the reasons i didn't want to go to group was because i wouldn't want to make any one feel like their loss was any less, but at this point in my journey what i wouldn't have done for more time even if i knew how it was going to end.

  9. It drives me nuts when people act like the loss of and older child is so much worse. It is different, yes, but no loss is worse than the other. I, like you would've been so thrilled to have any time with my baby. But, honestly, I can probably only say that knowing what this kind of loss feels like. If you experience the death of an older child without knowing the loss of a baby, you may not have that perspective. I don't know. Rambling now! haha!