Just after I went for invitro with Jenna, and still didn't know if it was successful or not, my parents wanted to have a supper with my Brother, his wife, and their new twin babies (who had been a surprise after they dated for a month). I couldn't do it... I did go see the babies, I was okay with that.. but I couldn't see my parents with their new grandchildren, not when I had been trying so long to give them just that. My mom tried to let me know I was being a bit irrational by saying that my Grandmother had lost a toddler and was still able to visit her sister's kids. I was so upset... how could she even try to undermine what I was feeling. I love my mom, but that stung.... It still stings, I have thought about that conversation soooo many times since. Maybe if I had known at the time that the invitro had worked, and that I too was carrying one of their Grandchildren, I would have been able to handle going to supper.
It's inconcievable to think of losing a child at any age. I don't know how I would be if I had lost Jenna, and not Kristen... but I do know that I love Kristen as much, with every fibre of my being. And that I wish that I could have had her until she was a toddler.. to know the shape of her smile, and the color of her eyes, to be able to comfort her when she was hurt, and most of all to hear the sound of her laughter!
I would tell my my Mom that now I've seen both sides, and I cherish every second I had with my daughter, and to not have had her at all... I think that would have been infinitely harder... I needed to be called Mommy in this lifetime, and if we had gone back to that night again.. I know that I wouldn't trade losing my daughter for being irrational about never carrying a baby, and I still in that situation, wouldn't have been able to see my parents with those twins, at that point in our lives.