Wednesday, March 30, 2011

looking forward

Things are better these last couple of days.... I can't believe the assault of grief living through Kristens date for her section brought me. I'm climbing up again from the depths of despair (literally) And although I'm not quite as high as I was a couple of weeks ago, I'm getting there.... I just wish I could see the top of this hypothetical mountain. It's far away yet I'm afraid.
Moving forward I think is helping me clear my head, or at least has given me something else to focus on, and to hope for... I went for bloodwork today for the fertility clinic, and will hopefully have a sono-hystogram this cycle as well (haven't heard from the clinic here yet about that) If this goes alright, I'll be looking to start the pill next cycle, and will be heading to Vancouver six weeks from then (eek!) The downfall in all this, and I need to seriously, SERIOUSLY think about my timing, is I'll be within a few weeks of the calendar pregnancy (for lack of a better term) as I was with Kristen.. got pregnant end of June last year, and will, if we go ahead as scheduled, and if it's successful, be pregnant end of June again this year. That means I'll be around 22 weeks again next November.. can I handle that? Can I handle postponing everything just to work around this? I'm not sure, I'm extremely impatient.. especially when it comes to making babies. I know this pregancy (if we're lucky again this time) is going to be stressful in itself, and I'm not sure if that will add to my stress levels too much or not. I think I can handle that part of it... I really don't want any more age difference than there already will be, between Jenna and her hoped for sibling. In an ideal world, I would have been due with my second when Jenna was a year and a half, not three and a half. Then again, in an ideal world, Kristen would be here, and I wouldn't be writing any of this!

11 comments:

  1. Lovely to hear that you're feeling a little stronger.... EDD is so hard. I know how you feel about the dilemma of timing TTC with reminders of a lost child during pregnancy.... I was the same. The answer will come for you xoxo

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  2. I agree with New Year Mum- you will know what is best for you. Me, I can't wait, even though our hypothetical second born will be due within weeks of Jacks birthday or angelversary. But I kinda figure, for me at least, that it's going to be hard either way, but possibly we would feel somewhat hopeful if I were holding a rainbow, or expecting one shortly..

    I wish you so much luck!

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  3. I'm glad things are a little bit better for you lately. Getting through Matthew's actual due date was much tougher than I thought it would be. I guess you just keep pondering over how things should've been...at least that's how I felt. I can imagine the timing of TTC your rainbow being stressful. I wish you tons of luck on your rainbow, though! I'm thinking about you & praying for you. *hugs*

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  4. I understand how you are feeling. It is possible, if we get pregnant (not doing anything to prevent it) that our next baby could be born in January (like our first two) or close to Emily's EDD. I am not sure how I feel about this. Which is why after a lot of talking we have both decided that we will leave it in God's hand. He already knows what is going to happen, so what will be, will be.
    Good luck. I am looking forward to hearing how things go for you.

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  5. It is so hard that beyond certain dates being so full of pain, there are certain seasons and times of the year that also bring up such pain. For example, Valentines Day will always be ruined (we into in ER the next day) and imagine late July will be forever painful.

    Good luck and I will be rooting for you all the way

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  6. I went through the same stuff in my head wondering if I should put off TTC bc of the dates. I decided to go ahead and see what happened, and fate intervened. Since my procedures, I was forced to wait. And it's driving me nuts! What's meant to be will be, so go for it. The waiting is hell in itself, as you know. We'll all be here for you in November (and now, of course)!

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  7. I know this exact feeling. Jonathan's due date was 12/1/2009 and Joshua's due date was 11/28/2010. We conceived both boys exactly one year apart almost to the day. Same exact cycle. I was at the exact same point in my pregnancy with Joshua that I was with Jonathan when we lost Jonathan. It was difficult to get through, but we did and in my heart I honestly believed that if it was my fate to have two babies that close together in due date, that it wouldn't happen a second time. It didn't. Joshua is here. *hugs* I will be praying for you either way to get through your next pregnancy.

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  8. If I wait the recommended 6 months to get pregnant again, and if it does happen, then that pregnacy will be pretty much right on with my pregnancy with Liam-freaks me out.
    I am really happy to hear things are starting to look up for you. I hope everything goes well at the fertility clinic today and you can soon be pregnant again. I wish there was a way to take all the stress away, because you really don't need that. But I will be keeping my fingers and toes crossed that everything is going to go smoothly for you

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  9. I am in the exact same situation as we speak. I am hoping and praying for a BFP in a few days because if we don't get one and get pregnant in April then I will be due on my Logan's due date. I lost Logan at 38 weeks, 6 days before Christmas, and I do not think I could make it through the holidays with that fear of being in the exact same position. I do think you will figure out what is right with you when that time comes. For me personally, as bad as I want to be pregnant this instant, I think I would be better off waiting until May to try again. GO with your gut...everything will happen the way it is supposed to, at least that is what I keep telling myself :) Good Luck on your Rainbow!!!

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  10. Thanks everyone... people IRL have asked if we're going ahead with all of this and my answer has been that I'm 85% sure we're going to.. I'm just leaving a little of maybe not to have an out if we change our minds.
    I think the reality for all of us, is that the next time around is going to be hard. period. It doesn't matter when we decide to try for our rainbows, we're going to carry so many painful memories with us.
    Darcey.... I've got my fingers crossed that you'll get a positive answer in the next few days too!

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  11. Thank you for the comment on my page. You're right, I do need to get that little car! I don't know what I was thinking. Now they are REALLY going to be out to get me. ;) They'll know I'm on to them!

    I'm sorry about your little girl.

    I'm your newest follower! :)

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