Sunday, March 20, 2011

surviving yesterday, and a killer!

Kristen, I love you, I miss you, I need you, I'm so sorry!

I don't know what I was thinking.. I guess I wasn't thinking much passed the 'due date', maybe I thought that things would somehow get easier once I got through yesterday. Of course it hasn't... I'm waking up this morning in such a horrible fog of misery.. she should be here now, if she wasn't already up to this point, she would definitely be here now. We should be marveling at her beauty and innocence, looking into her eyes for the first time and giving her the first of a million and one kisses. But she's not here. My arms are empty, my heart is hurting, my head is trying to wrap itself around all of the never to happens.
I drove 7 hours on Friday to come stay with a good friend because Ken made it offshore in the morning (sometimes, if it's too foggy, his chopper doesn't fly, and he's home for a few more days) so once I knew he wasn't going to be around, I called Natasha and came to crash at her place. Getting away definitely helped me get through yesterday. At first I didn't know if I could handle being around people. But when I woke up Friday morning, I knew I couldn't stay at home. So here we are. Natasha is still asleep, but miss Jenna doesn't ever give me that option, so I'm up writing. Which is probably exactly what I need to be doing right now anyway. I know we'll get through all this, and I know that I'm in a better place emotionally than I was a few months ago. It still just really sucks!

On a completely different note, there was an escaped killer, the dude was close to 500 lbs, chased by the police yesterday on a highway a few miles from my parents house! Apparently he had taken a 72 year old farmer hostage on Monday after his escape, and then made a run for it, (He left the man unharmed thank Goodness) And yesterday afternoon the cops caught up to him, they had a shootout, then he got his vehicle stuck in the ditch, and ran into the field, where he was shot. Apparently he's still alive, and in hospital. It was a tense few hours and the highways were closed. My parents live in a completely rural area, and don't ever even lock their doors! I don't even know if they have a key to the house anymore, even when they go away for a week, the house is left open! So I was a little worried about them for a little while!
Anyway, lol... sorry about the title! Couldn't help myself :p

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that the due-date time is rough. We are months away from Liam's due date and I have no idea how I will deal with it. Sending hugs.

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  2. The due date is a really hard one. After Jacob was born, I couldn't see beyond date either. Life before the due date was about making it there and living in dread of the day. I find these days aren't usually as hard as I expect them to be. They are still hard, but we can make it through them.

    Now you're exiting the phase of knowing how pregnant you should be, to looking at every baby you see and comparing them to how old Kristen should be and what she should be doing. Neither one is easy. Seeing pregnant women is still hard and seeing babies is hard.

    Kristen knows how much you love and miss her. She knows you did everything you could to get her here. It is hard to believe that sometimes, I know, but when you do believe it, it is comforting.

    I'm glad you spent the day with Natasha. Being alone of special days isn't usually a good thing.

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  3. Glad you had a good friend to spend yesterday with. I am also glad to hear that you feel you are in an emotionally better place, but like you said "still sucks" and probably always will, but there has bound to be better times ahead

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  4. So sorry that you have empty arms. I thought that I might feel better too after Gabrielle's EDD but then found myself thinking more about what life would have been like with her around... made things so much worse. So please look after yourself and find what positive and hopeful things you can... this is such a hard road but all the harder when we can't see any light. Thinking of you and sending love your way xoxo

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  5. Hi, I wanted to thank you for the kind words you left over at my blog and also tell you I'm so sorry Kristen is not here with you. I imagine her due date was a very rough milestone to get through. xx

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  6. I understand! I dreaded sadies due date, oct 28, it was a hard day...few days! I'm sorry, it stinks! I remember my best friend came over and spent the day with me, it mean a lot! Glad u were with ur friend!
    I remember, to add further insult to injury, my period cane that day too!
    What a mess!
    Here with hugs xx

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