Saturday, March 26, 2011

Taking a moment

I've been thinking lots about Kristens twin these days, and how differently I handled that loss. I haven't spoken on my blog about it, or to many people IRL. But they implanted two embryos during my last cycle, both took, one however only grew to around five weeks. During my seven week ultrasound, there were two sacs, and two heartbeats, but the second baby's heartrate was really slow, and like I said, it was behind in growth, we never expected for it to make it. The next time I went for an ultrasound, the baby was gone. I was really okay though, I had built in my head beforehand, that if I ended up with one baby after the process was said and done, we were doing great. Today, maybe because I'm still trying to deal with my compounded grief after Kristen's due date... I'm feeling sad for that little life. I just wanted to acknowledge my poor other bean. The one who really had no chance.
In one sense, I know now that I have too much trouble carrying one child to term, how would my body ever handle two??? When we go through the IVF process all over again, we'll definitely only implant one embryo, I'm praying we end up with frozen this time around.
I'm trying, really trying, to wrap my head around life these days. I function pretty well with Jenna. We play, and laugh, and sing... every now and then, she catches me crying. I try sooooo hard not to have this affect her. I know in a lot of ways it does. After she goes to bed, I fall apart. And like I said, I am trying.. I give myself pep talks and say that tomorrow I'll wake up with a new attitude. I'll deal better with my sad moments, and maybe it won't hurt so much tomorrow. ha! So far no dice. I'm still hoping on tomorrows, and maybe one of these days I'll get lucky. Hibernating at home is getting me nowhere.


  1. I didn't realize Kristen had a twin. Thinking of you, K, and your other bean. :)

  2. I think I could've written this, the part about how you deal around Jenna. I feel so badly when I cry with Sloane, but when I do I tell her why and that it's ok to be sad sometimes when you miss someone. I think she's starting to get it, although I hate that she understands at the same time. I had a miscarriage before Sloane, different scenario though. Two empty sacs, never a HB. We were devastated but I think I was able to deal bc I got pg with Sloane the next month, and since there wasn't ever a HB... I don't know... I can understand better now after losing Hayes. It hurt for sure. So sad for both of your lives lost though!

  3. Oh my gosh, that really sucks! That poor little bean. I guess I don't know how I would've dealt with a loss like that. Like you said about it being behind in growth and not expecting it to make it but then to know you have the other and have such high hopes that at least you will have your Kristen, but then you eventually lose her also. GRRR!
    I am glad you decided to share with us about your little bean, I can only imagine the compounded grief you are feeling though.
    Hoping with you for better tomorrows and if I find some luck before you I'll try and send some your way

  4. Know exactly how you feel... after this IVF cycle not working, I feel as though I'm going through grief for the little embryo that was but is no longer. It must be a very maternal thing to emotionally attach to our little ones even when they're only microscopic. I have the same worries about our toddler but have a feeling that no matter what she experiences now, this will probably help her to be a more compassionate and resilient person in the end. You're a fantastic mother to all your children and will be to your future children xoxo

  5. i know exactly what you mean too. After I had my son, we got pg, and at around 7 weeks we found out via ultrasound that it was not going to last. I had to wait until 12w to have that pregnancy removed (the reasons will take too long to explain), but b/c we found out so early that it wasn't meant to be, I was able to let myself think that the pregnancy was just like a sickness, and after it was all over I wasn't overly upset. Cut to now, after we lost our daughter Love, and I am more upset about that other pregnancy now than I ever was then. I don't know why, but I guess I just thought we would easily have another baby after and it was all "onwards and upwards". But now, after losing our baby, that other bean takes on more significance. So, I know exactly where you are coming from.
    Also, my little 2 year old sees me cry too, and I don't know how much he gets about what has gone on, or how much to tell him. It is all so hard.
    I am thinking of you and Kristen and your other little bean.