I've been thinking lots about Kristens twin these days, and how differently I handled that loss. I haven't spoken on my blog about it, or to many people IRL. But they implanted two embryos during my last cycle, both took, one however only grew to around five weeks. During my seven week ultrasound, there were two sacs, and two heartbeats, but the second baby's heartrate was really slow, and like I said, it was behind in growth, we never expected for it to make it. The next time I went for an ultrasound, the baby was gone. I was really okay though, I had built in my head beforehand, that if I ended up with one baby after the process was said and done, we were doing great. Today, maybe because I'm still trying to deal with my compounded grief after Kristen's due date... I'm feeling sad for that little life. I just wanted to acknowledge my poor other bean. The one who really had no chance.
In one sense, I know now that I have too much trouble carrying one child to term, how would my body ever handle two??? When we go through the IVF process all over again, we'll definitely only implant one embryo, I'm praying we end up with frozen this time around.
I'm trying, really trying, to wrap my head around life these days. I function pretty well with Jenna. We play, and laugh, and sing... every now and then, she catches me crying. I try sooooo hard not to have this affect her. I know in a lot of ways it does. After she goes to bed, I fall apart. And like I said, I am trying.. I give myself pep talks and say that tomorrow I'll wake up with a new attitude. I'll deal better with my sad moments, and maybe it won't hurt so much tomorrow. ha! So far no dice. I'm still hoping on tomorrows, and maybe one of these days I'll get lucky. Hibernating at home is getting me nowhere.