Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wishing


I wish that I had more to say these days. Or more positive anyway... things just seem to be the same. I'm stuck in this cycle of doing okay for a few days, still thinking every moment of Kristen, still being reminded in sometimes slap in the face ways, that I'm not pregnant anymore. Then horrible, meltdown, crying, ANGRY day, and back again. I don't feel like things are getting better. They're not as bad as the first months seemed to be... but only marginally improved, and no big leaps of healing anywhere in my sight. I can talk about her more now, and I find myself searching of opportunities to speak of her. I want to be able to tell people that I had my daughter, that she was beautiful and perfect, and just because she's not here, doesn't make me love her any less! I want to tell them that she was a fighter, that her little heart was beating for five hours! And most of all, I don't want people to think that because she was born so early in my pregnancy, that she wasn't a part of my family! My heart aches for her, and for every family that has lost their little angels!
All that's on my mind lately is my dilema with trying again, and I think that people are soon going to get tired (if they're not already) of reading about my issues with carrying another baby, and whether or not I have the strength to go through all of this again! I have another appt with my fertility doc on the 15th, and hopefully she can ease some of my fears. I made the appt mostly for my hubby, who wasn't at my six week check up, and has questions of his own.. but he now has training courses that day that he can't get out of. So I've been trying to get him to write down exactly he wants to know from her. I have a feeling she won't be able to really tell him what he wants to hear anyway. He wants definite chances and statistics, and we all know how those numbers have failed us all already. There are no definites, and there's only chance. With our situation, the chance is riskier than I'm comfortable with. My doc says that if we want to try again she's 75% sure she can get us to term, I've told Ken this already, I don't know what else he needs to hear. So who knows where we're going from here (or where I'm going with this rambling) If I haven't lost you already, I'll apologize for leading you in circles!!

6 comments:

  1. Ditto Ditto Ditto. I'm feeling the exact same way. Every word of your first pargraph could've been written by me :). As far as trying again, all of us blms have different circumstances and issues but to me, the chance of a rainbow baby feels like one that is worth taking. I hope you and your hubs can agree on what to do. And don't worry aboyt it others are sick of it or not. It's your life and it's so important!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know what you mean about not wanting others to think that our babies are not part of our family because they were born early in the pregnancy. I have had that same thought.
    And even though I do not know you personally I am very interested in your issues about another possible baby. It's issues like these that many of us moms are going through and it's helpful to hear other's perspectives.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know exactly what you mean. People always ask about what happens next, but then say "although you probably don't even want to think about trying again right now". and I'm like, ofcourse I am thinking of trying again. It's all I can think of. It goes around and around and around in my head all the live long day. Do we or don't we. If so, when? The fact of the matter is that I want to be pregnant again. But I want THIS pregnancy. I want Love in my belly. I want to have her in May like I was supposed to. But I don't get to have that. So, were do we go from here? Do I try again and open myself up to a third failed pregnancy? Can I handle that? Argh! So many questions, and no friggin' answers. None that make me feel better anyways. Sorry, now I am rambling too...
    Just know that so many of us BLM's are feeling the same as you, and we are always here to listen to any ramblings you have, because we care and won't get bored. Promise.
    B

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am right there with you. I want to speak to people about Liam and people just act like its in the past already and think I should be healed just like that, but I am far, far, far from that.
    I also want to get pregnant again, now. I know our scenarios are very different but I don't want to wait too long to try again because it took us 2 years to get pregnant, even than I did 2 IUI's before any result and now have a high risk of having a uterine rupture.
    I'm like your husband I want definite chances and statistics.
    If you need to ramble that's fine, and as you told me no need to apologize

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just wrote a post about statistics and how if they fail you, they arent really ever comforting anymore to women like us.

    Trying to send good thoughts your way tonight :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my blog... means so much to me. My email address is newyearmum@gmail.com... so sweet of you :) I'm exactly the same re statistics v's chances... I know we only have a chance, but as a mum I can' give up. I so grateful that I've found all you guys to talk about Gabrielle with... most others don't ask and don't seem to want to hear anymore. I'm with you all the way xoxo

    ReplyDelete