Thursday, March 10, 2011
I wish that I had more to say these days. Or more positive anyway... things just seem to be the same. I'm stuck in this cycle of doing okay for a few days, still thinking every moment of Kristen, still being reminded in sometimes slap in the face ways, that I'm not pregnant anymore. Then horrible, meltdown, crying, ANGRY day, and back again. I don't feel like things are getting better. They're not as bad as the first months seemed to be... but only marginally improved, and no big leaps of healing anywhere in my sight. I can talk about her more now, and I find myself searching of opportunities to speak of her. I want to be able to tell people that I had my daughter, that she was beautiful and perfect, and just because she's not here, doesn't make me love her any less! I want to tell them that she was a fighter, that her little heart was beating for five hours! And most of all, I don't want people to think that because she was born so early in my pregnancy, that she wasn't a part of my family! My heart aches for her, and for every family that has lost their little angels!
All that's on my mind lately is my dilema with trying again, and I think that people are soon going to get tired (if they're not already) of reading about my issues with carrying another baby, and whether or not I have the strength to go through all of this again! I have another appt with my fertility doc on the 15th, and hopefully she can ease some of my fears. I made the appt mostly for my hubby, who wasn't at my six week check up, and has questions of his own.. but he now has training courses that day that he can't get out of. So I've been trying to get him to write down exactly he wants to know from her. I have a feeling she won't be able to really tell him what he wants to hear anyway. He wants definite chances and statistics, and we all know how those numbers have failed us all already. There are no definites, and there's only chance. With our situation, the chance is riskier than I'm comfortable with. My doc says that if we want to try again she's 75% sure she can get us to term, I've told Ken this already, I don't know what else he needs to hear. So who knows where we're going from here (or where I'm going with this rambling) If I haven't lost you already, I'll apologize for leading you in circles!!