Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I like to be alone sometimes.. in fact I've always needed 'my space' fairly often. It took my husband a long time to get used to this part of me, and he's learned to read my signals, and knows when to give me the time that i need. I'm not talking days or weeks, just an afternoon now and then away from everyone, whether I stay home by myself, or go for a drive... I like my own company. Or at least I used to. Now, I find that if I get my alone time, I spend it crying, and dwelling. In a way it's good... I know that I'm supposed to let myself cry when I need to, but I hate that that's how I spend my time. Alone time is rare when you have a two year old, it's not so easy to just escape. Not that I'm complaining, I can only imagine how much crying and dwelling I would do if Jenna wasn't around to keep me distracted!! But I feel it's just another way my life has been altered, just another part of the 'new' me that I need to adjust to! I'm sick of adjusting, I'm sick of trying to come to grips with this person that's taken my place. She's mopey, and miserable! She's short tempered, and she doesn't give a shit about very much any more. Brooke just posted today about all of the things that she used to be, and the new life she's living. I know that it's true for all of us, that we are shadows of our former selves. Does this go away, or do we get so used to it, that we forget who we used to be??

5 comments:

  1. I read Brooke's post too and it really struck a chord with me. I think we all miss how "light" we used to be, and are having a hard time adjusting to the heavy weight of grief, and all that entails.
    I just keep repeating this mantra: be kind to yourself be kind to yourself be kind to yourself...
    This will get easier, but it takes time.
    Thinking of you and Kristen, and Jenna too.
    Brooke

    ReplyDelete
  2. I used to be the same way! I would like to go to the park or something and be by myself, but now, I can't stand being away from my husband. I guess I'm using him as my crutch. I miss how happy and independent I used to be, though. Hopefully, it'll get easier over time, and we'll all be able to return to some normalcy. I don't think I'll ever be the same person, though...

    ReplyDelete
  3. That would be me, too. You're not alone in wanting alone time but not wanting much alone time anymore. hahaha. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I used to like it that my husband would leave for a few weeks at a time for work. Yeah me time. Not so much anymore, I wish he never had to leave. Brookes post hit spot on with me also.
    Hoping it eventually get easier for all of us, but I think like Lauren said that I'll never be the same

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know how you feel... I've always needed a bit of time alone to recharge my batteries and my husband took a while to get used to that... but now I feel as though I need that time much more often - but even then don't feel recharged. I think we slowly get used to the 'new' us and build on that... I can't imagine ever going back to the happy-go-lucky person I used to be. Love to you and hope you get the time/space you need xoxo

    ReplyDelete