Friday, May 27, 2011


So now I still don't feel much like writing... AND blogger won't let me comment! grrr! I'm still here reading, I promise, and I would LOVE to comment and let you all know that I'm thinking about you as I read your blogs, but I just keep getting kicked out into the log in screen, and I log in, enter the code word, click post comment, and voila, back to the log in screen!! FRUSTRATING!
A little about my plight, since I'm here now... Lupron is kicking my ass this time! Headaches, nausia, and so so so tired, all of the time! I never had these side effects the last two times I was on the drug. I hope all of this is worth it, and that we'll end up lucky to be pregnant once again!
Hugs to everyone, hope to be able to comment again soon!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

still here....

I haven't been visiting the blogging world quite as much lately.... I've been popping on here every day or two to read all of the blogs that I follow, but haven't felt like I have as much to say, not sure if this is good or not. Six months was the 19th, and even then, I couldn't come up with a post. I don't know what to say about it... I feel in some ways like I'm healing, and others like I'm rooted in the same old grief, depends on the minute I suppose! I can't believe that I'm now closer to a year away from my time with Kristen than I am to the day that she arrived, and left. Only by a few days, but still.... we're moving towards that awful anniversary, the birthday that never should have been, her birthday should have been in March! I wish it were different... I want a two month old healthy little girl, I miss what should have been!
I've started my Lupron, my first injection was last night. Today I have a headache, not sure if it's related, but most likely it is... I don't get them all that often.
Anyway, sorry this is kind of a blah post, but I'm kind of in a blah mood today!
I'm trying to keep up on commenting, but I know I've been falling short there as well... please know that my silence doesn't mean I've left you, I'm still here reading, crying, laughing, and praying with you all!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Conversation with a two year old

"Mommy is Kevin here??"
This is the question I faced as she got out of bed this morning...
"Kevin? Like Uncle Kevin??? (hoping that's what she meant)
"no Kevin... where our baby is"
"Ohhh Heaven... No honey, heaven is way up in the sky... where the angels are"
"So you don't have a baby in your tummy anymore?"
"No sweety, she was too tiny when she came out of Mommy's tummy, so the angels took her to live with them."
Blank stare...
"can I have oatmeal for breakfast?"

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Happy List Saturday

I don't have a lot of time to write today, I have a friend coming out for a girls night. This is probably my big happy today (other than family and Jenna of course!) You see, I called this friend last week when I was in the middle of my crisis. She cheered me up, and later called to see if I wanted wine, movie, and munchies this weekend! I live an hour out of town, so it's soooo nice of her to leave her family for the night to come hang with me! She has been so supportive over the last year, and I'm so thankful for our friendship.
My other happy thing this week is the calm I finally feel after completely making up my mind to try invitro, until last week I had left myself an 'out' I hadn't........
Hello again, picking this up from yesterday, as I had to leave the computer mid post. Anyway, I didn't commit to actually going for invitro, until I had to pay for the procedure. I thought I was doing myself a favor by leaving that option open. As a matter of fact, I was just adding stress and unease! I've said before that I'm usually quick to make up my mind on things, and not having completely done so with going again, was harder on me than I realised! Once I commited, and paid my fee, I relaxed A LOT! I'm still nervous of course. I just know where my head is and what my goals are. And that makes me happy!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Decision made (again) stay tuned for more chaos!

Thanks so much for everyone who has lent me their support over the past few days, I've been such a mess, and I really appreciate your kind words.
I know that I won't be able to be at peace if I don't try again. I've tried to convince myself that maybe I could, it didn't work.
So here we are again. I'm still moving forward. I know that these next few months are going to be hard emotionally, but at least we're trying. If it doesn't work this time, I'll know I've exhausted my options, and I'll deal from there. Of course I'm hoping to God it works out in our favor!
This is where I'm turning to work out some of the darker fears involved in this whole process.... and I'm sure I'm going to have other moments of pure anxiety. But again, I thank everyone who has thought of me during my 'crisis'
Sending you all so much love!

still struggling.

I was hoping that last night was just a "mood" that I could cry it out, and see my situation more clearly. Usually I make quick decisions... I weigh out the obvious pros and cons, and without too much pondering... I decide. This is different. I'm still struggling today. I wish there was an answer, if we go through all of this again, will we get pregnant? I don't know if I can handle it if there's no chance of a baby, because even if I do get pregnant... that only means I have a chance at a baby. We all know it's no guarantee. On the other hand... can I be at peace if we don't try?????? Can I truly live the rest of my life okay with the fact that we never took the chance. Be okay with my little family as it is, and take the struggles of raising Jenna as an only child in a community with no other kids? I don't know. It's killing me, it's killing my husband. It's hurting Jenna seeing me like this. I don't know what to do!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What started out as a bad day has spiraled. I'm a mess tonight. I start to do one thing, end up leaving it and trying something else... all the while my mind won't stop racing. I'm so scared. I'm scared to try invitro again. I'm scared to get pregnant again. I'm so damn scared of losing another baby!!
On top of that is Kristen, always on my mind Kristen. I don't want a new baby..I want MY baby, I want my little girl back! Why does it have to be so hard???????????? I know I can say it over and over again, but it really isn't fair. Nothing is going to ever even up the score, nothing is going to be fair again. My baby is gone, in her place is agony, heartache, and fear. It doesn't matter if we try again and are successful, she's still gone. It doesn't make it fair or right. We still have to go through hell and back to even have a chance at creating life, and after it's said and done, I may come back home by myself.. no baby.
I haven't paid the deposit yet, I have to do that tomorrow, and I'm so tempted to call it quits! I'm putting EVERYTHING on the line to have another baby, and I'm just so scared!


So as we're sitting down to circle time in playgroup today, the leader asked Jenna about the friend who had just visited for a couple of days (we had gone with Jenna's little friend Rachel last week) And Jenna said yes that she had gone home.. and that "my baby's in heaven" Out of the blue. The playgroup leader actually said "Wow, I don't know how to respond to that!" Which left me leaving circle time to go to the bathroom and try to regain some composure..... It must be because of our visit with Paulette yesterday, but later in the afternoon Jenna also asked me if she was a sister too... to which I replied that yes, she is a sister. Wow... I'm just a complete mess today, it took me a really long time this morning to get myself back under enough control to rejoin the group at playgroup. And even now, I'm crying as I think back on it. I'm glad that Jenna does recognize that she has a baby sister. I think it's just extra tough on me after dealing with Mother's Day followed by finally going to meet Paulette's baby.
Also, I don't know if anyone else is having troubles, but Blogger has been telling me that I'm not following any blogs for the last couple of days, but when I go into some of the blogs that I really am following, it still shows my profile. So if I miss reading some.. I'm sorry, I'm trying to sort it out! Any suggestions??

Monday, May 9, 2011

Meeting the baby

I survived meeting Paulettes baby. I had actually called last week (a month later) to let Paulette know that I had been thinking about her, and that I thought I might be ready to get together one of these days. Today I had planned on taking Jenna to playgroup in the morning, and then calling to see if Paulette wanted some company. She actually showed up at playgroup this morning too (this is only the second time that she's gone) So it was a little bit of a surprise, but I was okay with the whole situation! There were moments when I would feel myself choking up, but I held them in... and I was fairly busy helping Jenna with different things, so we didn't have much time to talk just then.
So after playgroup, we decided to meet at her house for lunch and a visit. I did cry on the way to her place, it's still so hard to think that Kristen should be here too, and that all our girls should be growing up together.... but we did okay while there, and we even had a talk about how I was doing. She was understanding of why I had backed away for that little while.. which was a relief to me. The baby was asleep the whole time we were at Paulette's house, and Jenna and Alexis played like they always have, so it was a fairly easy visit.
I feel much better after getting our first visit "over with", I hope that things will continue to get easier as time goes on.......

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

I woke up this morning feeling okay. Ken's offshore again, and he sent me a sweet poem, and wishes for a Happy Mother's Day... he's on nights this hitch, so he was asleep by the time Jenna and I got up....
When I went to go deliver Mother's day cards to my MIL and Ken's Nan... Jenna FREAKED. She for some reason didn't want to leave the house. So I fought with her to get dressed, fought with her to get in the truck, and left the driveway listening to a screaming two year old... then I lost it. I don't think it's the fighting with her that wore me down... I've just been trying to hold back the reason I'm feeling sad today. I want BOTH of my babies, I don't care if they were both screaming in the back of the truck... but they should both be here.. Jenna AND her baby sister. So I turned around, how can I go deliver cards and wishing a happy Mother's day with tears streaming down my face? Maybe I'll try again later today, they're going to have to wait for a while anyway.
I really thought that I could be okay, that I could be happy today because I have my one little girl here with me (and believe me... I AM happy that Jenna is here, and that I am blessed to be her Mother) I'm just still feeling so raw about not having Kristen here with us.
My heart goes out to all the BLMs... I wish there was something I could say to make today easier, I know that we are all missing our babies, everyday.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Part of me....

I came across this tonight, and it's so beautiful that I had to share, you may have already read it.

Part of Me...
I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too.
I think of you in silence. I often say your name.
But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart.
I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place, no one can ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone.
For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
-Author unknown
I'm a little upset today. I went online to look up flights and hotel for my trip to Vancouver. My plan had been to take Jenna with me, meet up with my SIL and hang out with them while I was going through the procedure, and then to go home to GP for a week. It would be an extra $2500 in flights, that's with using up all of my airmiles! Plus the more expensive hotel room to sleep all of us, plus the extra money we'd surely spend sightseeing in Vancouver (Amanda and the girls have never been) GRRRRR!!! I can't justify it! Not when all it really is for, is so that Jenna and I could get to GP for a week! Not when we have to pay soooooo much just for the invitro!
Now, I'm going by myself ($1000 plane ticket) and probably spending a few of the days with a family member there.... and coming straight back to Newfoundland. No trip home this spring/summer. Ken's Mom will take Jenna, she was a little disappointed when I was hoping to have her come with me anyway.
My hope is to keep my airlmiles, and gain enough more over the summer to take a trip home a bit later, for three weeks, while Ken's offshore. I don't know if I'll be able to once (if) I'm pregnant. But hoping it's a possibility. sigh.