What started out as a bad day has spiraled. I'm a mess tonight. I start to do one thing, end up leaving it and trying something else... all the while my mind won't stop racing. I'm so scared. I'm scared to try invitro again. I'm scared to get pregnant again. I'm so damn scared of losing another baby!!
On top of that is Kristen, always on my mind Kristen. I don't want a new baby..I want MY baby, I want my little girl back! Why does it have to be so hard???????????? I know I can say it over and over again, but it really isn't fair. Nothing is going to ever even up the score, nothing is going to be fair again. My baby is gone, in her place is agony, heartache, and fear. It doesn't matter if we try again and are successful, she's still gone. It doesn't make it fair or right. We still have to go through hell and back to even have a chance at creating life, and after it's said and done, I may come back home by myself.. no baby.
I haven't paid the deposit yet, I have to do that tomorrow, and I'm so tempted to call it quits! I'm putting EVERYTHING on the line to have another baby, and I'm just so scared!