Wednesday, June 29, 2011

still waiting

and going crazy! :) This waiting thing sucks... I can't stand not knowing. One second, I'll have myself convinced that I'm probably not preggers, then the next I'm saying.. but maybe....! I just want to know so that I can deal with the next step! Truth be told, I'm scared of actually being pregnant this time around. Which seems so funny to say after all we've done to maybe become that!
Anyway, this is just a quick update. I found out after that they were able to freeze two of our embryos. I don't know exactly their condition before freezing, I haven't actually talked to anyone at the clinic since last Thursday. But it's kind of nice knowing that they're there. Even if I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to make use of them if this cycle is a no-go.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

My 'Wee One'

My embryologist is from Scotland, and in my consult with her this morning, that's how she described the embryo they had chosen for me.. a lovely Wee One. I like it, and from this point on, that's what I will call this tiny spark of life inside of me!

So, Dear Wee One,

It is so nice to finally have met you, although I couldn't actually see you in the syringe that they brought into the room, knowing you were there made me so very happy! The love that instantly enveloped me as the procedure took place surprised me! I know now to cherish every sweet moment that I have with you, and I pray that you and I are in it for the long haul! So please relax, and make yourself at home. Know that Mommy is doing everything humanly possible to ensure that in March, you will get to meet your Daddy and big Sister!!

And, My Darling Angel Kristen,

It was really hard for Mommy to be back in that room this morning, going through the same procedure that had brought you to me! Please know that I'm in no way trying to replace you... nothing can ever do that! I just want to share the love that I have for you and Jenna with another baby, your little brother or sister! There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't wish you were here on earth with us. But I'm sure you already know that! Please keep watch over us, your earthly family! We miss you so very much!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tomorrow's Transfer day!!

Eeek! How am I feeling? I'm starting to feel a bit of excitement creeping up on me, no matter how hard I try to stay neutral through this whole experience! Imagine.. I may actually become PREGNANT while I'm here! lol... I know that's the whole point of this trip, but the reality never truly hits me right away... So update from the clinic this morning was just to let me know that I have some good looking embryos, and a few stragglers, but everything's progressing nicely. I missed the call because I was in the shower, so I don't know actual numbers. But tomorrow at 10am is my transfer. I still am only transfering one embryo this time. I don't want the added stress of trying to carry two babies, when my body wouldn't allow me to carry one last time.
I can't wait!
Please God if you're reading my blog (haha) let this work!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Tough Day

Where to begin.....
Today has just been all around hard. I spoke to Jenna on the phone, and ended up a mess... I miss her so much, and everytime I think about her, my heart breaks with not being near her!
My Mom came to see me for the weekend, they live in AB, so it's not a super long flight to get here. It was sooo nice being able to spend the time with her, but I'm super sad and homesick now that she's gone again. Amazing how a 33 year old woman can still just want her Mommy!
I changed my flight to Friday after things were delayed because of the overstimulation..$300 later.. plus the extra nights lodging, plus the extra meds I had to buy while here... just added stress! It's all expensive enough!
And the biggest thing is of course, it's the 19th again. Another month has gone by without my precious baby girl!
Anyway, today it kind of all came to a head, the combination of these events, and all the hormones left me crying in the middle of lunch with Mom, and some of our family members that live in the city. I tried to pull myself together in the washroom at the restaurant, but just couldn't seem to stop crying! I HATE that!! I'm better again now, but for a brief while, was wondering if I would completely melt down in public. This is HARD! I knew it would be, and I knew that not having Ken or Jenna with me was going to suck... I had been managing to deal with all the stress, until today.
There is a bright spot through all of this though.... 15 of my eggs have fertilized normally! With Jenna we had 10, and with Kristen 12.... so this is the best we've been at this stage of my cycles so far. They will keep me posted every morning as to how my little embryos are doing. And in turn, I'll keep posting on here! I've said it before, but Thank You so much for following along with me. Your support has meant the world to me. Especially on days like today!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Retrieval Day

26 beautiful little eggs have been retrieved from my now really sore ovaries! Let's pray that one of those will result in a new baby around nine months from now!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Embarassment for Vancouver

And I'm not talking the game.... that's a whole other story! The way some of the people in the streets, I won't call them fans, because their actions in no way reflect anything sportsmanlike. Anyway, the way some of the people acted after last nights game was truly shameful. There was no need for rioting last night... IT'S A GAME! Anyway, just had to get that off my chest!
I'm just waiting for my bloodwork to come back today to find out whether or not we're going ahead with an egg retrieval on Saturday. Fingers crossed, I want to keep this moving forward.
I've been doing pretty good about keeping my emotions low key through all of this. I can't believe that I'm here...again. Going through all of this.. again! I should be at home with Jenna and Kristen. Not here. sigh.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


yup, they've done it again! Bleh. Yesterday my levels shot wayyyyyy up... I was overstimulated on my cycle with Jenna too. So today I'm feeling a bit bloated, tired and crappy. Nothing too serious, I know it can be much worse. But it means that they took me off some of my meds last night to let me 'coast' and today it's the same thing. I go in again tomorrow morning,and hopefully by then, we can proceed. The worst thing about all of this, is that by coasting, my dates are off, and I now have to spend a few more nights here, and reschedule my flight home. Money, money, money! I know, well I hope, that in the grand scheme of things, all of this will be worthwhile. I'm relieved to see lots of folicles again this time, the more eggs we get, the better my chances are of ending up with a baby. I just react too well to the medications.
On a different note... Go Canucks! It's hockey mania in this city tonight, as we're at game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals!!! I'm an Oiler's fan actually, but they didn't even get to the playoffs, so I'll just cheer and hope that the cup comes back to a Canadian team! It's fun seeing the way Vancouver has been swept up with hockey fever! Every second person is wearing some sort of the team logo! I have an Aunt living here, and plan to go to her house to watch the game tonight. Should be fun! I'm not crazy enough to head downtown, where there will be over 100,000 people lining the streets!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

When I was saying goodbye to Jenna the other day, this is what she said to me...
"Bye Mommy, I'm gonna miss you, but stay away from the Big Bad Wolf! You can go to see Red Riding Hood Mommy, but don't go to the Wolf's house!" LOL... makes you wonder where she thinks I was actually going!
So arrived in Vancouver last night, and had my first tracking appt here this morning. Everything is going just like the last two times... I'm a follicle producing machine! The first time we came, they didn't realise I would respond so well to the meds, so I was a little overstimulated for a while. Last time no overstimulation, but I still produced 32 eggs. This time looks like it won't be much different. Too bad out of all of those eggs last time, there was only Kristen and my little bean to transfer... it would have been so much better if I had some frosties awaiting me here. Oh well!
I'm missing Jenna terribly already, I'm hardly ever away from her. But I'm going to do my best to take advantage of some much needed R&R.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me, I need this cycle to work!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Six Months, Two Weeks, Four Days

A huge thank you to Angie from Still Life with Circles. She has started a project for all blogging BLM's called Right Where I am. I have found such solace in reading everyone's take on where they are in regards to how long it's been since they had lost (for a lack of a better term) their babies.
I had to look up exactly how long it has been since Kristen was in my arms. I suppose that's a good thing, at one point, even not that long ago, I would have been able to tell you right away.
I'm doing alright, most of the time. I can go days without needing to cry, and I can think about her with peace in my heart... sometimes. There are still dark ugly moments, where I sob uncontrolably, and give in to the what ifs. It's hard to imagine the way life should be, but even harder to think about the way my future is now changed. That's when I cry the most, when I think of the firsts she's missing, first teeth, steps, words, the graduation, the wedding.. the life that will never be.... I miss my little girl.
Right now I'm in the midst of a fertility cycle, complete with the wonderful hormone altering drugs, my emotions have been running eratic lately. I can't say that I'm ready to try again, which is funny because that's exactly what we're doing. But I don't know if I'd ever really be ready to try. I'm doing it for my two year old... she needs another sibbling, one that she can play with, and fight with, and grow up with. I want more children too.... but the thought of losing another child terrifies me!
I'm at a place I never thought I would be, and one that I wouldn't wish on another woman. A life filled with juggling the amazing and wonderful world of my toddler, with the loss of her little sister. To look at Jenna and be overjoyed with the way she's growing and changing. And in the back of my mind.. always, to be thinking that Kristen won't be here to do these things. There is no simple enjoyment in things anymore, even though that's what I long for. There's always underlying grief.. waiting to rear it's awful head.....