Saturday, June 4, 2011

Six Months, Two Weeks, Four Days

A huge thank you to Angie from Still Life with Circles. She has started a project for all blogging BLM's called Right Where I am. I have found such solace in reading everyone's take on where they are in regards to how long it's been since they had lost (for a lack of a better term) their babies.
I had to look up exactly how long it has been since Kristen was in my arms. I suppose that's a good thing, at one point, even not that long ago, I would have been able to tell you right away.
I'm doing alright, most of the time. I can go days without needing to cry, and I can think about her with peace in my heart... sometimes. There are still dark ugly moments, where I sob uncontrolably, and give in to the what ifs. It's hard to imagine the way life should be, but even harder to think about the way my future is now changed. That's when I cry the most, when I think of the firsts she's missing, first teeth, steps, words, the graduation, the wedding.. the life that will never be.... I miss my little girl.
Right now I'm in the midst of a fertility cycle, complete with the wonderful hormone altering drugs, my emotions have been running eratic lately. I can't say that I'm ready to try again, which is funny because that's exactly what we're doing. But I don't know if I'd ever really be ready to try. I'm doing it for my two year old... she needs another sibbling, one that she can play with, and fight with, and grow up with. I want more children too.... but the thought of losing another child terrifies me!
I'm at a place I never thought I would be, and one that I wouldn't wish on another woman. A life filled with juggling the amazing and wonderful world of my toddler, with the loss of her little sister. To look at Jenna and be overjoyed with the way she's growing and changing. And in the back of my mind.. always, to be thinking that Kristen won't be here to do these things. There is no simple enjoyment in things anymore, even though that's what I long for. There's always underlying grief.. waiting to rear it's awful head.....

9 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing where your at right now. I hope Jenna gets a baby sister or brother too.
    Hope everything goes well with you on this fertility cycle:)

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  2. "There is no simple enjoyment in things anymore."

    That is so very true.

    So sorry for the loss of your Kristen. Glad you got involved with Angie's inspiring project.
    xo

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  3. With you on grieving while wanting to have another one... but so fearful of it happening again. With you on this cycle. Love always xoxo

    Switched over to my private blog today... access posts via http://newyearmum2.blogspot.com/... email me on newyearmum@gmail.com if you're having trouble with access xo

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  4. Thank you for sharing right where you are. I am so sorry to read about Kristen. Parenting and grieving and parenting again is exhausting business. It just takes it out of you on a deep soul level. Sending you love. xo

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  5. I get what you mean when you say things don't mean anything anymore. There is no pleasure or happiness b/c when you are in that moment you are thinking of what it would be like with your baby around. It sucks. I hope your little girl gets a brother or sister very soon. Sending hugs.

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  6. I'm right there too ... wish I had the right words for all of us ... but there just aren't any. Wishing you peace tonight.

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  7. I found your blog recently and have enjoyed reading your posts. We lost our little Issac at almost 21 weeks in March. It has been a very rough 3 months. We have 3 living children, so the grief is a real juggle...and we still want more, someday. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story. It uplifted me!

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  8. Sherri, I'm so sorry for Kristen's loss. All of the missed firsts really hit hard. They still make me sad. I love the honesty of your post and am wishing you all the best as you move forward.

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  9. I am sorry Kristen's death. I found it hard (and felt so guilty) when my elder ones hit milestones and, as pleased as I was for them, my first thought was "This will never happen for Emma." So complicated and unfair.

    I hope your cycle goes well.

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