A huge thank you to Angie from Still Life with Circles. She has started a project for all blogging BLM's called Right Where I am. I have found such solace in reading everyone's take on where they are in regards to how long it's been since they had lost (for a lack of a better term) their babies.
I had to look up exactly how long it has been since Kristen was in my arms. I suppose that's a good thing, at one point, even not that long ago, I would have been able to tell you right away.
I'm doing alright, most of the time. I can go days without needing to cry, and I can think about her with peace in my heart... sometimes. There are still dark ugly moments, where I sob uncontrolably, and give in to the what ifs. It's hard to imagine the way life should be, but even harder to think about the way my future is now changed. That's when I cry the most, when I think of the firsts she's missing, first teeth, steps, words, the graduation, the wedding.. the life that will never be.... I miss my little girl.
Right now I'm in the midst of a fertility cycle, complete with the wonderful hormone altering drugs, my emotions have been running eratic lately. I can't say that I'm ready to try again, which is funny because that's exactly what we're doing. But I don't know if I'd ever really be ready to try. I'm doing it for my two year old... she needs another sibbling, one that she can play with, and fight with, and grow up with. I want more children too.... but the thought of losing another child terrifies me!
I'm at a place I never thought I would be, and one that I wouldn't wish on another woman. A life filled with juggling the amazing and wonderful world of my toddler, with the loss of her little sister. To look at Jenna and be overjoyed with the way she's growing and changing. And in the back of my mind.. always, to be thinking that Kristen won't be here to do these things. There is no simple enjoyment in things anymore, even though that's what I long for. There's always underlying grief.. waiting to rear it's awful head.....