Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Much needed break

Hello again everyone! I know I've been absent for quite a while again.... I've been grappling with my emotions, and the unknowns a lot lately.
My appt with the genetic specialist was preceded by a huge gush of blood again the night before (enough to soak me and drip on the floor as I ran for the bathroom) I spent the night thinking that this was it..... the miscarriage that I had avoided for so long had arrived. Then nothing.... no more blood, a decent nights sleep, no miscarriage! I decided to keep my appt, and let the Dr know what had happened, I told him that I may be wasting his time, as I might be losing the baby, but didn't want to rebook if I actually wasn't miscarrying.... The appointment itself was scary, really just a recap of what Dr. Crane had told me, that our chances of a chromosonal problem were heightened b/c of baby's size, and the nuchal scan. He also said that if the further testing comes out clear for chromosone disfunctions, there's a multitude of other disorders that it may be, and they can't test for them. So basically, even if we get a good test result, our outcome may not be rosy. I guess that I just have to live with whatever is coming, and realise this happens to lots of people all the time... I'm still praying that this child inside me will have some sort of quality of life when all this is said and done.
I then had an appt with my RE, and she did an ultrasound, low and behold, everything still looks fine (and the baby on her machine was measuring a week behind yet again, no more than that... makes me wonder if there's a discrepancy between the equipment at the two hospitals, and maybe my baby's growth hadn't slowed even more like we thought after the nuchal scan)
Next step is waiting for the amnio (Oct 4th) like I said, this will alert us if there is something wrong with the chromosones.... but that's all they are testing at this point. I have to wait 3 wks for the results, which will make me 19 wks by the time we learn anything at all.
Sooooooooooo I took the opportunity before cerclage to head home for 10 days! It was so nice to see my family again, and to let Jenna spend some time with her Grandparents! We also celebrated her 3rd birthday while there (Ken was offshore, we're having a party here this w/e too) I can't tell you how much I needed to be HOME! I just got back late last night, and thought I'd better update! I only skimmed my blog once while gone, and to tell you the truth, it was a nice break from that as well..... not that I don't care about what's happening to everyone... I just needed some time to myself! I didn't even remember the 19th this month, it took me back when I actually realised the date a few days later!! I don't know if I feel much remorse about this, because it's not that I haven't been thinking about Kristen, I thought about her more while I was home I think than I have for quite a while! Maybe it's just a sign of healing.... maybe I'll be able to mark her day by the years... like I once did by the weeks, and then the months. I think I'm okay with this because she's constantly in my heart.... no calendar will change that. I know that November is sneaking up fast, and that it is going to be hard to accept that a year has passed without her!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Nuchal Ultrasound

I've been holding on to the results for the past few days and running them through my head... The scan didn't go at all as hoped, although I know it's not conclusive until we have further testing. The problem is that baby's growth has also slowed down. I should have been measuring 12 wks 4 days (taking into account the week he's always been behind) but was 12wks exactly... that means that in a week, he or she only grew by 2 days. This scares the crap out of me!
As far as the nuchal scan, my risk of down's went from one in 380something to 1 in 24... again, not what we were hoping to see. I have an appt on Tuesday with the genetic specialist, and am hoping to get in next week to have another ultrasound... I really need to know what's happening develomentally.
Sorry that I didn't update right away, you've all been so wonderful in supporting me so far. I just don't know how to take this latest upset. What a hell of a ride these last three months have been!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Game Plan

Soooooo here's where we are.
My Dr is amazed that I've managed to keep this pregnancy, she was pretty sure things weren't going to progress this far. That being said.. Wee One is an apt name, I'm measuring 11 wks 5 days today (still exactly a week behind where we should be, but still growing week by week, thankfully) Because the baby is still that week behind we have a nucheal scan ordered for next Wednesday, the doctors are worried that there is an increased risk of Down's, or other developmental/chromosomal complications... If this is the case, we'll go for further testing after that... If (fingers crossed) everything comes out clear my cerclage will be sometime around the end of September.
I'm finally begining to wrap my head around the fact that this baby might just stick with us... funny because I'm so close to the end of the first trimester.... I guess if we go from the time we transfered, I would be thirteen weeks. I'm still apprehensive, I hope that there isn't anything developmentaly wrong with this baby... we'll cross that bridge when and if we get there I suppose. It's been such a hell of a ride so far! I'm taking things one (exhausting) day at a time, and so far it's worked!