Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Prayers Please!

Good news first I suppose! The amnio results came back normal, which is super, and also super frustrating! Had I never opted for the amnio, I wouldn't have ruptured my membranes and ruined my chances for a cerclage! Everything baby wise is looking good, he's caught up in growth, and is now making breathing movements... of course the news couldn't all be good, my cervix has shortened to the point where if I didn't have ruptured membranes, they'd be doing an emergency cerclage tomorrow. Unfortunately the risk of infection is too great, and all I can do now is stay on even stricter bedrest and pray this doesn't end my pregnancy. My doc said I can stay home for now, she doesn't see any benefit to me being in the hospital, as long as I stay upstairs in bed unless I get up to use the washroom. If (I hate using that term) so I'll say WHEN I get to viability they'll probably admit me, so that if I go into labour, they'll be able to try to save Carter right away.
I'm so thankful for all of your support so far, the well wishes and prayers have meant the world to me through all of this! I'm asking now though, to please pray we make it through this... I can't bear the thought of losing another baby!! Please God, don't take this little man away from me too!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

again an update..............

Last year when I reached 20 wks, I thought I'd made it through the most dangerous part of pregnancy... I just assumed that halfway meant there was things they could do to save my baby should I run into problems! I'd never had to worry about loss, and didn't give it much thought.. this time around, it's all I've thought about! I'm 20 wks today, and although my bubs is still measuring a few days behind I'm going to consider myself 20 wks, after all I've been through these last few months, I deserve at least that! haha!
I had another appt last Tuesday, and it went fairly well.... my fluid has once again increased, which is great news for the baby. I am still seeping though, which once again leaves me anxious. I so want to know how the next few months are going to play out! We got some great 3-D pics of my little man, one of these days I'll get them on here...
Yesterday we had our anatomy scan, and things looked pretty good... there's one other issue that's arisen (of course, why wouldn't something else pop up!) Our baby has a 2 vessel umbilical chord instead of the normal 3 vessels.... This may mean nothing at all, and it may be a sign of heart or kidney problems, I have another scan in two weeks to take a closer look, the radiologist was very reasurring, but at this point, I'll remain cautious until we know otherwise. That being said, we did go ahead and let Jenna know that I do have a baby in my belly. We thought long and hard over whether or not it's the right decision, but decided to prepare her either way. We've explained to her that there is still lots of risk, and that the new baby may have to join Kristen in heaven, but that we are praying that he gets to stay in me and grow until he's big enough to join our family. I think she understands the situation somewhat.... she keeps saying that she hopes he gets to come home with us. The cutest parts of telling her was her reaction, number one was "But I want a baby girl, not a boy!" She was pretty put out by that fact. And she's decided that the baby's name is Jason... where she gets that, I have no clue! There's nobody that she knows with that name, and as far as I know, nobody on any of the TV shows she watches either! I'm pretty sure the baby will be called Carter John, it's the name we've had picked for more than six years now.... ever since Ken's Grandfather asked what we would name a baby if we had one. Carter because we both like that name, and John for his Pop, who is now deceased. I told Ken that if I have to give birth to this baby, no matter when it happens, he needs a name. Now we just have to convince Jenna ;)


I have two things that I want/need to write about this morning, but feel it's only fair to Kristen to separate them. While I haven't talked much about her lately, she's never far from my thoughts, and is always in my heart. As we get closer to her angelversary, I find myself slipping back into grief... I've never stopped grieving, but through the past year, I have found healing and acceptance. I know that she's in heaven, and that someday we'll reunite, I know that she will always be a part of me. And most days, I can live with some form of peace in my heart. Lately, I'm feeling shattered again, the smallest things set me off, and I miss her so very much! I find myself wondering what our family would be like now if she had stayed... I know that I wouldn't be carrying my baby boy, and that blows my mind.... it would be impossible to have both situations in my life... had Kristen stayed, I wouldn't be pregnant now.... yet I wouldn't trade anything for the life that grows in me today. Such a hard concept to wrap my head around!
I've been so wrapped up in my currant situation that I've pushed aside thoughts of the date that's looming ahead of us... I'm aware that we're getting closer to her birthday, yet I prefer not to think too much about it. Yesterday something happened that forced that reality into my brain. My SIL and I were discussing her upcoming baby showers, and she told me that my MIL had booked the hall for November 20th... for a second I was stunned, I know I won't be able to attend anyway, but how can I celebrate the upcoming birth of her little girl, the day after I mourn the last year without mine! I know it was unintentional.... but it hurts that my MIL was so careless in her planning.... does she not remember what day her Grand daughter died??? I was reduced to tears. I'm pretty sure the date will be changed, but it brought to light how much I'm dreading the 19th. I still don't have any idea how I want to spend that day.... but I'm going to have to think of something soon. My angel deserves a wonderful day spent remembering her!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Freaking out!

My appt yesterday actually went okay..... I'm still seeping fluid, which is BAD, but my little man still has enough around him to reamain comfortable for now (pretty much the same amount as last week after my rupture) This is good, but not really wonderful... it confirms the fact that what we're producing is being lost. Scary as hell part coming up right now...
I'm still at a huge risk for infection, if we had resealed, this wouldn't be much of a worry.... and I now have two days left on my antibiotics. I'm so scared that we'll end up losing this battle over something so stupid as an infection! There's still a chance we could heal, and put this behind us, but the doc said that usually if that's going to happen, it does so in the day or two after the rupture.
My cervix is still measuring 2.9 so that's shorter than what it was initially, but the same length as last week, so maybe bedrest is keeping me there.... hopefully. We have such a looooong way to go before we're even viable.
I would love your input, we've been discussing whether or not to reveal this pregnancy to Jenna.... so far we've just been saying that "Mommy's sick" but now we've crossed the line from 'miscarriage", to actual loss if something is to happen. So I guess she'll need to know in case we need to mourn another dead baby. I know this sounds incredibly pessimistic, but there is such a huge possibility of this happening, that I have to be prepared for the outcome. I'm so scared to put her through this again! Of course I'm praying this will end up being a non issue when we bring this boy home. Would you wait for viability, risking the chance of having to tell her about her sibling after the loss... or prepare her now for either outcome???? It's so freakin hard! My poor three year old should not have death in her vocabulary, and now I'm scared of putting her through it twice in one year.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

another setback...

It's almost laughable... well not really, but honestly, how many complications can arise in one pregnancy!
We went for the amnio last Tuesday, all went well and not long after we were about to leave St. John's to head for home. That's when I felt the first gush, and the second... Ken turned around in a parking lot and back to the hospital we went. On the way I phoned the receptionist for the Dr that had performed the amnio, and wes told we needed to head to the emergency room, so that's where we spent the remainder of the evening. They decided to admit me and we waited for the next day to have an ultrasound done. Luckily there is still enough fluid around the baby so long as I don't lose any more. There's a chance this will 'seal over' and everything will progress again, but the risk of infection right now is huge. I spent the last 3 nights in hospital on some pretty heavy antibiotics, and am now home on bedrest until Tuesday. So far I haven't had much more fluid, just a small amount on the paper when I wipe.
There's only a 1-2% chance of complications after an amnio.... really, I know statistics don't mean as much to me now after having a second trimester loss..... but I felt fairly confident going into the procedure that I'd be okay, the doctor performs hundreds of these a year..... What amazing bad luck!
Sooooooo the worst news to come out of this, is now they're scared to perform the cerclage with my membranes ruptured, now the risk of infection is so high... I'm pretty much left hanging right now. My cervix was already slightly shortened on the last ultrasound, and she told me that we may have to look at getting the cerclage done after this week's appt. We were still kind of waiting for the results of the amnio to do anything, in case there was a syndrome present that would mean absolutely no chance of survival for the baby. Truly a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't! If we hadn't done the amnio, we were told we were risking a lot by carrying on with the pregnancy (especially since it's so hard for me to carry to term anyway) And now, because I went ahead with the procedure, we may have screwed it all up anyway! ARghghghhghghgh
The only bright spot in all of this so far is that the preliminary results of the amnio came back yesterday, and some of the more common disorders have all came back negative, and it looks like this time around I'm carrying a little boy! Please please pray we'll be able to keep him safe until it's time to come home!