Saturday, October 22, 2011

Kristen

I have two things that I want/need to write about this morning, but feel it's only fair to Kristen to separate them. While I haven't talked much about her lately, she's never far from my thoughts, and is always in my heart. As we get closer to her angelversary, I find myself slipping back into grief... I've never stopped grieving, but through the past year, I have found healing and acceptance. I know that she's in heaven, and that someday we'll reunite, I know that she will always be a part of me. And most days, I can live with some form of peace in my heart. Lately, I'm feeling shattered again, the smallest things set me off, and I miss her so very much! I find myself wondering what our family would be like now if she had stayed... I know that I wouldn't be carrying my baby boy, and that blows my mind.... it would be impossible to have both situations in my life... had Kristen stayed, I wouldn't be pregnant now.... yet I wouldn't trade anything for the life that grows in me today. Such a hard concept to wrap my head around!
I've been so wrapped up in my currant situation that I've pushed aside thoughts of the date that's looming ahead of us... I'm aware that we're getting closer to her birthday, yet I prefer not to think too much about it. Yesterday something happened that forced that reality into my brain. My SIL and I were discussing her upcoming baby showers, and she told me that my MIL had booked the hall for November 20th... for a second I was stunned, I know I won't be able to attend anyway, but how can I celebrate the upcoming birth of her little girl, the day after I mourn the last year without mine! I know it was unintentional.... but it hurts that my MIL was so careless in her planning.... does she not remember what day her Grand daughter died??? I was reduced to tears. I'm pretty sure the date will be changed, but it brought to light how much I'm dreading the 19th. I still don't have any idea how I want to spend that day.... but I'm going to have to think of something soon. My angel deserves a wonderful day spent remembering her!

5 comments:

  1. Thinks like this drive me bonkers too. I hate careless people, it just makes things *that* much harder on you.

    I know what you mean about being torn between your current baby and the one you lost- I feel so much of the same. :(

    ReplyDelete
  2. As Dec. 19th draws near I am also starting to feel that tug again. IT is almost unreal that a year has come and gone and so much sadness and grief has been felt.
    I also struggle with this new pregnancy. I think it is completely normal and I think unfortunately we will always wonder how life would have been with the one we weren't allowed to have.

    ReplyDelete
  3. People can be really thoughtless sometimes. I'm so sorry that she wasn't more careful with her planning :(

    It's very hard being torn between the baby your are missing so much and the new life you are carrying inside you. I experience this so often and it's just another sucky thing us BLMs have to deal with......sigh.

    Praying for you and remembering little Kristen always

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. I found the lead up to Gabrielle's angel-versary much harder than I was expecting too... and then for your MIL to not remember - that's what I find the hardest now... people completely forgetting or maybe remembering but assuming that we're OK and/or the date doesn't matter anymore. You're going through so much... love to you always xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. I agree with the other posters about it being hard when you're mourning the baby you've lost and celebrating the new life that you're carrying now. Thinking of you as Kristen's first angelversary approaches. <3

    ReplyDelete