I have two things that I want/need to write about this morning, but feel it's only fair to Kristen to separate them. While I haven't talked much about her lately, she's never far from my thoughts, and is always in my heart. As we get closer to her angelversary, I find myself slipping back into grief... I've never stopped grieving, but through the past year, I have found healing and acceptance. I know that she's in heaven, and that someday we'll reunite, I know that she will always be a part of me. And most days, I can live with some form of peace in my heart. Lately, I'm feeling shattered again, the smallest things set me off, and I miss her so very much! I find myself wondering what our family would be like now if she had stayed... I know that I wouldn't be carrying my baby boy, and that blows my mind.... it would be impossible to have both situations in my life... had Kristen stayed, I wouldn't be pregnant now.... yet I wouldn't trade anything for the life that grows in me today. Such a hard concept to wrap my head around!
I've been so wrapped up in my currant situation that I've pushed aside thoughts of the date that's looming ahead of us... I'm aware that we're getting closer to her birthday, yet I prefer not to think too much about it. Yesterday something happened that forced that reality into my brain. My SIL and I were discussing her upcoming baby showers, and she told me that my MIL had booked the hall for November 20th... for a second I was stunned, I know I won't be able to attend anyway, but how can I celebrate the upcoming birth of her little girl, the day after I mourn the last year without mine! I know it was unintentional.... but it hurts that my MIL was so careless in her planning.... does she not remember what day her Grand daughter died??? I was reduced to tears. I'm pretty sure the date will be changed, but it brought to light how much I'm dreading the 19th. I still don't have any idea how I want to spend that day.... but I'm going to have to think of something soon. My angel deserves a wonderful day spent remembering her!