Saturday, January 29, 2011

Hello Old Friend!!

UGGGGHHHHH!  Well hello Aunt Flo!  It's so nice to see you!  You hadn't been around for a while, but this is what your third visit in the past few months?  It's nice to see you're reliable again... I LOVE how you manage to show up every 30 days without fail!  You'd like to stay for the week???  Oh that would be LOVELY!!!!  Simply perfect.   What's that...??  Oh Ken... don't worry he loves to see you too, no really, I mean that!  You've brought friends this time too I see... hello Cramping and Bitchiness, why don't you come on in too!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Nothing comes to mind

I'm feeling the urge to write tonight... I've spent so much time over the last few days pouring over everyone else's blogs, that I feel I need to contribute to my own.  The problem is I don't know what to say, I couldn't even come up with a title!
I have a cloud following me, it casts a shadow of sadness over everything I try to accomplish.  My husband looks at me sometimes and asks what's wrong, and I just give him 'the look'.  It really surprises me that he has to ask!  Don't get me wrong, I'm doing like I said last night 'alright'.  Sometimes even a little better than that.  I laugh, I joke, I enjoy some things... just not as much, and not in the same way that I would have before.  I wonder if this cloud is here to stay, just a permanent feature on my horizon.. or if I'll be able to let the sun shine through again.  I know that I'm changed, I miss me... my husband misses me.  Everything that happens seems to circle around to thoughts of Kristen.  I picked up a jar of peanut butter at the store, and low and behold it expired the day Kristen was born!  I carry her tucked into my heart, I really don't need these constant reminders of that day.  She should still be inside me, November 19th should have just been a normal Friday.  A girl in the community just had her baby girl, she named her Ava Christine.  I know it's completely different, but it's just too damn close to Kristen Eva for me.  And one of the wierdest coincedences to date was the cabage patch doll Jenna got for Christmas, of all the other days in the year, why did the date on the birth certificate have to be the day I was scheduled to have my C-section... March 19th????  Maybe that one isn't so bad, I should look at it as some sort of blessing, or something.. I don't know.  It took my breath away when I read it, that's for sure!
I'm going crazy waiting for March 19th, maybe I keep thinking that that's going to be the worst, that after that day things will settle for me.  Deep down I'm afraid that this isn't the case.  I know that it's going to be DAMN hard, but I also know that after that day, she's still going to be gone, her urn will still be on the mantle, and my heart is still going to be broken.  That's the killer.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Alright

I'm alright.. I say this to people all the time when asked "how are you?"  I say this because I haven't been able to say "I"m good" since Kristen died.  I realised this just the other day, and I was a little surprised by it.  I wonder if I'll ever be "Good" again. 
We went to a memorial service tonight for Kens great Aunt.  She was a very loved woman, who I only had the pleasure of meeting once.  Her death wasn't really a surprise, she had been very sick for a long time.  I'm feeling guilty tonight because, while everyone else was there to pay homeage to this woman, I was wrapped up in my own grief.  I grieved while one speaker talked of what a great mother this woman had been, how proud she was of all her children, and grandchildren.  I still have Jenna, and am so immensley proud of my little girl.. but I want plural.  I still want to say children.  And yes, I suppose I do have that.  Kristen will always be Jenna's little sister.  But most of the world won't see it that way.  Anway, I'm sorry for being self centered.  There's a time and a place for my little world of hurt, but I don't feel right about visiting it tonight.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Surviving January

I've made it past the two month mark.  Two more to go until Kristens due date.  I don't think watching the dates like I have been is probably healthy, or helping my grieving process.  But I don't exactly know what's normal, and since I can't seem to stop doing it.....
We went out to the cabin for a couple of nights anyway.  For me it was a good excuse to escape, no phone, or internet, or people in general!  My DH hasn't been keeping track and was a little surprised when I told him what significance the date held for me.  We had a lot of drinks and a really good talk about how we felt about our future.  He pretty much said that he's okay with whatever we decide to do.  Getting pregnant again for us isn't easy.  We'd have to do invitro again, complete with egg retrieval.  I was so lucky to get pregnant twice using invitro, what if that luck has run out, and we end up $10k further in debt, and not pregnant?  When it was Kristen, I was willing to take that chance to have a second baby.  Now that she's gone, I'm not sure how much more I can handle.  Then there's the fact that it's me that's having trouble carrying.  My cervix was incompetent... do I want to risk losing another baby if we do conceive again????  I'm not ready quite yet to make any decisions, I'm waiting to see if I survive March first, I want to get past that date, take a breath and ask myself if I'm willing to expose myself to that kind of pain again.
 
In the meantime, I haven't mentioned Ken's cousin and his wife yet.  She's become a dear friend of mine, and our first babies were 3 months apart, both girls.  Jenna and her daughter have a lot of fun together.  This time around she was due 3 weeks behind me, which means 3 weeks after Kristen should have been born, I have to face meeting there new bundle of joy.  Oh joy.  Dont' get me wrong... I wish them nothing but the best, it's just unavoidable, and I've been doing my best to stay in contact with my friend, even though she's looking more and more pregnant every time I see her.  I made myself call and go for coffee with her in the first weeks after we lost Kristen.  I knew that the longer I waited, the more uncomfortable that first meeting would be.  I bawled the whole way to her house, and the whole way home.  But we did have a good visit, and kept the conversation light.  In fact we really haven't brought up any feelings, which is okay with me.  Some people I can talk to about this, she, right now, isn't one of them.  If she wasn't pregnant right now, I'm sure I'd be able to open up to her.  But, I know how hard this is for her too, and my friendship with her is too important to me to risk losing because of an awkward situation made more awkward by shedding light on it.

Over all, I think I'm doing alright.  Jenna is definitely my lifeboat, and I have huge feelings of guilt about exposing my two year old to my grief.  I try my best not to cry in front of her, sometimes I can't help it.  She's become extremely sensitive to my moods, and is constantly asking if I'm happy.  It's so not fair to her!!  No little girl should have to worry about whether or not their parent is 'happy'.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The worst things I've heard so far

Some have been almost funny, some just so sad they're laughable.. but I want to record some of the things I've heard since Kristens passing.

1) The first was only a couple of days after we left the hospital.  I wanted to buy a pair of tights for Jenna to wear to Kristens' service.  We decided to take Jenna to see Santa, who was in the mall that day.  Poor Santa, having no clue what we were going through asked Jenna what she wanted for Christmas.  Jenna said a baby (meaning a doll)  To this Santa replied "Perhaps you'd like a baby sister.  Maybe Mommy and Daddy could get one for you."  It was all I could do not to collapse on the floor.  I made it out of the mall before the tears came.

2) I was told by one of Kens family members when we were deciding what day to hold the service for Kristen that she was getting her hair done Thursday at 2:00pm!!!  Oh!  Okay.. we'll plan the funeral of our daughter so that it won't interupt your hair appt!!!!!  GOOD GOD!

3) A friend of mine has an son who's about eight or nine I think.  The last time I went to see them (which was also the first time I had visited them since Kristens passing)  he met me at the door, and said "I heard you lost your baby.. that really sucks!"  Oh my, out of the mouths of babes!  That one I take no offense to whatsoever, I just had to include it here.

4) My Dad's Aunt, was apparently trying to reach me through facebook chat for a while, either I hadn't answered, or wasn't online for the few times she had tried, so when she finally did get through, she said she had been wondering if I was taking it "harder than normal"  I'm sorry..... what exactly is considered a normal amount of time to grieve for the daughter who had died in my arms only weeks before this online conversation had taken place??!!! I gracefully ignored her comment, but it was hard not to reply bitterly!

I can't think of any more other than the awkward mumblings of people at a loss for what to say.  Those I understand completely, I would have been one of them had I been close to someone who was going through what we are now.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Gift of Kristen Eva

Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of air... that my whole existense is going to collapse around me.  I have to stop, and remind myself that this isn't the case, breath Sherri. 
I don't exactly know where to begin.  It's been almost two months.  I can't believe it's almost been two months.  I should still be pregnant.  I should be almost uncomfortably pregnant by now.. but I'm not.  November 18th 2010 my world was shattered.
I didn't know on that day that things were going to go horribly wrong.  I knew that I was leaking a small bit of fluid, but maybe it wasn't fluid, maybe I was being overcautious.  None the less, I called my Mother in Law to come look after Jenna while I ran into the hospital.  I really didn't think anything was serious.. I was singing in the truck on the way into town for God's sake! I grabbed a bite before I went up to emerg.. I was just going to make sure everything was alright.... It wasn't.  The Nurses on call didn't think I had much wrong with me either, they casually had me get changed and lay in the examining room until a Doctor was free, I think I was there for almost an hour.  The minute they put the speculum inside me, things became serious.  Apparently I was five centimeters dialated, with bulging membranes.  I was 21 weeks 6 days, too early to be going into labour!  They gave me a phone, and I managed to call my husband who was working on an offshore oil rig at the time.  He was working night shift so I woke him up, it was about 3pm. I don't remember what I actually managed to say, most of it was sobbing.  Poor Ken didn't know what had hit him. 
They admitted me, and I was put in a private room with my head at a lower incline.  The hope was to ease the pressure on my cervix, and keep me from dialating any further.  I didn't have any pain or cramping, so we were hoping to keep me in that position for as long as humanly possible.  I spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone, making sure Jenna was alright with Kens family, letting my Mom and Dad know what was going on.  And of course keeping Ken posted.  The flights for that day had already left, he was coming home the next morning. 
The baby was fine, we could hear the heartbeat on the monitor, I could feel movement.  And they even had done an ultrasound, I could see that everything was okay with the baby.  I just needed to keep it that way.  I don't know how I managed to get through that night, but I did sleep.  The next day I had visitors, and plenty of phone calls to occupy my time.  Kens flight was cancelled, there was a problem on the rig, and they were refusing to land the choppers.  This wasn't a huge problem until about 5pm.  That's when the cramping started.  I was told to alert the nurses of any changes, so I buzzed, and they called the Doctor.  When he came in to examine me, he found that I was about 8 centimeters, and he broke my water.  All hope was gone.  Ken called at about this time, so at least he knew what was happening.  It was fairly quick from then on in.  I remember my body betraying me, there was no way I wanted to push, to lose the baby that was doing so well inside of me.  But I pushed anyway.  I kept screaming to a God who had left the building.  It did no good.  Kristen Eva was born November 19th at 6:10pm.  She weighed 14 ounces. I was 22 weeks that day.  At that gestation, there is nothing they will do to revive the baby.  They cleaned her up, and gave her to me.  She lived in my arms for a short while.  The pain I felt in those moments is indescribable.  I wanted so much to be able to breath for her, I willed her tiny little lungs to work.  Of course they couldn't.  The nurses took pictures for me, they gave me a package with the tiny hat and outfit they had dressed her in, the blanket she was wrapped up in, and her footprints on the back of her hospital announcement card. 
I'm so thankful for that. 
Ken got in the next morning.  I'm so sad that he never got to see Kristen, I keep wishing I had held the phone to her so he could have said goodbye while she was still here with us, but I hadn't thought of it at the time. 
We had a small service at our house, on November 24th.  The day before my birthday.  A lady in our community came and prayed with us. She wrote the most beautiful poem for Kristen. My parents came down (they live across the country)  I'm so grateful for that. 
So here we are, nearly two months later.  Still having moments that I feel I can't get my breath, but they're further apart.  I'm good most days, for some reason the past couple have been hard again.  I don't know how I'm going to survive her due date (my section was scheduled for March 19th)  I'm trying to decide how I want to spend it.  I think I want to be kept busy on that day, maybe go somewhere.  But I'm scared I'll be too much of an emotional basket case to be out in public.
Jenna helps keep me going.  There's nothing like a two year old to brighten the darkest of days.  She of course doesn't understand.  She brings up the baby quite often, I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not.  Sometimes it hurts to hear her talk about her baby sister. 
Anyway, I'm going to end here.  I've never really paid much attention to blogging, but I stumbled on this site tonight, and it seemed like a good way to sort through some of the things I've been feeling.  I don't know who's actually going to read it, or if I'm going to tell anybody that I've created this.  But I feel a little better tonight, knowing that it's here!

The Gift of Kristen Eva-

I can't help wonder, Little One
As you entered in God's plan
Nestled beneath your Mommy's heart.
Knowing Daddy was close at hand

Did you know your length of stay
Were there secrets that you knew
As you came to share your silent love
For something you had to do?

I heard God tell your family
This gift is rare and true
Behold your greatest teacher
Kristen Eva I give to you.

For you, Little Baby
Will teach about life and love
You'll show heaven's hope and joy
All the beauty that's dreamed of.

This I know with all my heart
There is a reason for all life
For the Creator is compassion
Turning darkness into light.

Something deep is happening
In the heart of this mystery
When families are given special time
To create a memory.

An Innocence, a perfect child
To remember all your days
A picture of pure lovliness
Forever and always.

To look beyond grief and sorrow
To honor the beauty of who you are
Transcending all earthly burdens
Shining like a distant star.

To feel the depth of unspoken love
As you were cradled and caressed
Your journey now begins anew
In God's eternal rest.

These lessons though now difficult
Will dry the tears they cry
As in the company of cherubs
You sing heavens lullaby.

God will hold your family
On that promise you can depend
And they will hold you in their hearts
Until you meet again.

The Giver of life with open arms
Is welcoming and smiling too
How blessed was this moment in time
With the beautiful gift of you.

-Rosalind Reardon Pinsent-