Wednesday, March 30, 2011

looking forward

Things are better these last couple of days.... I can't believe the assault of grief living through Kristens date for her section brought me. I'm climbing up again from the depths of despair (literally) And although I'm not quite as high as I was a couple of weeks ago, I'm getting there.... I just wish I could see the top of this hypothetical mountain. It's far away yet I'm afraid.
Moving forward I think is helping me clear my head, or at least has given me something else to focus on, and to hope for... I went for bloodwork today for the fertility clinic, and will hopefully have a sono-hystogram this cycle as well (haven't heard from the clinic here yet about that) If this goes alright, I'll be looking to start the pill next cycle, and will be heading to Vancouver six weeks from then (eek!) The downfall in all this, and I need to seriously, SERIOUSLY think about my timing, is I'll be within a few weeks of the calendar pregnancy (for lack of a better term) as I was with Kristen.. got pregnant end of June last year, and will, if we go ahead as scheduled, and if it's successful, be pregnant end of June again this year. That means I'll be around 22 weeks again next November.. can I handle that? Can I handle postponing everything just to work around this? I'm not sure, I'm extremely impatient.. especially when it comes to making babies. I know this pregancy (if we're lucky again this time) is going to be stressful in itself, and I'm not sure if that will add to my stress levels too much or not. I think I can handle that part of it... I really don't want any more age difference than there already will be, between Jenna and her hoped for sibling. In an ideal world, I would have been due with my second when Jenna was a year and a half, not three and a half. Then again, in an ideal world, Kristen would be here, and I wouldn't be writing any of this!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sadness

I've been reading lots of blogs, and it seems to me that this past week has been harder for a lot of Mamas... not just me. I just want everyone to know, that even though I've been in my own kinda slump, I've been thinking about and praying for everyone else as well. Hoping that if nothing else, time will help to heal our wounds.
God Bless

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I took Jenna to a Birthday party today, and there was a friend of a friend there, who happens to be around 22 wks pregnant, she's a real sweet lady, and I have no bad feelings for her or the baby. I'm just a little uncomfortable with pregnant women right now. Anyway she knew through our mutual friend that this week was one of my tougher ones, and she asked how I was doing. Then she started talking about how she was having a tough week too, one of her friends has just lost one of her twins at 15 months old to SIDS. Here's where I start to question my take on life these days. My heart goes out to that poor mother, I can't possibly imagine what she's going through right now, and wish that no mother ever had to lose their child... but part of me thinks.. I just wish that I could've had 15 months with my angel! Does that make me a horrible person??? What really kinda got to me was the implied there is worse out there that you could experience, so perk up won't ya.. that I read into the conversation. I know there is worse, and harder, and even unimaginable pain.. but what I'm experiencing right now..... is bad enough! I don't need to feel like it could be worse, I don't need comparisons to make me question my grief. I lost my daughter before I got to see her smile, or see her look into my eyes for the first time. JUST BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN BEFORE SHE WAS VIABLE, DOESN'T MEAN I DIDN'T LOSE A CHILD! I lost everything.
At this point, I would do anything for a day with her, let alone 15 months!!!! I'm sorry if anyone disagrees, but it's just the way I feel about things today.

Update

Thanks ladies.... I've been talked down a bit now. I'm not sure what we're going to do. My husband wants me to wait until he gets home (understandable) which is in two weeks time. And my Mom is trying to talk me into giving Skip another chance. He's an outside dog 90% of the time, so it'll be easy to keep him away from Jenna for now. And hopefully she's learned not to be so rough on him. He's been SO patient, she crawls all over him and he's never made even a sign of being aggressive. I'm wondering if she didn't hurt him.. they were in the other room when it happened. As for a shelter.. I hesitate here in this province, I see SO many dogs tied to houses and just ignored here. Not that there aren't people who would give him a loving home, I just wouldn't want to see him abused. It's funny, because back home, he's just a normal dog... here almost everyone comments on how BIG he is (he's not really, just a Shepherd Collie Cross)
Anyway, I love him dearly and the thought of getting rid of him either way really hurts... but Jenna's welfare comes first. I don't think he'd do anything out of aggression... but I hate taking chances.

Dammit!

My dog just bit my two year old! Fuck!! Nothing serious, but he got her up on the forhead, a couple of little marks. But, I have to put him down. I can't keep an animal I can't trust around my kid... what happens if he does it again and gets her face.. he's a big dog! Fuck, Fuck Fuck.. I was in the other room and she may have been pulling on him, he's been so good! I thought he was so good. Tomorrow, Jenna's going to Nanny's again (thank goodness for Nanny) and I'll take him to the vet. My poor, big, goofy, STUPID dog.



Saturday, March 26, 2011

Taking a moment

I've been thinking lots about Kristens twin these days, and how differently I handled that loss. I haven't spoken on my blog about it, or to many people IRL. But they implanted two embryos during my last cycle, both took, one however only grew to around five weeks. During my seven week ultrasound, there were two sacs, and two heartbeats, but the second baby's heartrate was really slow, and like I said, it was behind in growth, we never expected for it to make it. The next time I went for an ultrasound, the baby was gone. I was really okay though, I had built in my head beforehand, that if I ended up with one baby after the process was said and done, we were doing great. Today, maybe because I'm still trying to deal with my compounded grief after Kristen's due date... I'm feeling sad for that little life. I just wanted to acknowledge my poor other bean. The one who really had no chance.
In one sense, I know now that I have too much trouble carrying one child to term, how would my body ever handle two??? When we go through the IVF process all over again, we'll definitely only implant one embryo, I'm praying we end up with frozen this time around.
I'm trying, really trying, to wrap my head around life these days. I function pretty well with Jenna. We play, and laugh, and sing... every now and then, she catches me crying. I try sooooo hard not to have this affect her. I know in a lot of ways it does. After she goes to bed, I fall apart. And like I said, I am trying.. I give myself pep talks and say that tomorrow I'll wake up with a new attitude. I'll deal better with my sad moments, and maybe it won't hurt so much tomorrow. ha! So far no dice. I'm still hoping on tomorrows, and maybe one of these days I'll get lucky. Hibernating at home is getting me nowhere.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Trying to help a fellow Blogger...

Are there any BLM's out there who have lost a baby due to or after fetal surgery??? One of my Bloggies (stole the term from Molly) is looking for someone who can relate to her unfortunate cicumstances. Becky lost her sweet baby Liam after he underwent fetal surgery for spina bifida. I know that she and I share quite a few of the same followers, but there are a few on my blog who don't follow hers yet. Maybe if we all extend the question.. we can find somebody with a situation similar to Beckys. There is such a vast network of grieving Mommy's out there in Blogland, and it would be nice to be able to connect some of them!
Becky blogs at: http://fortheloveofbabyliam.blogspot.com

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hopeless

I want to thank all of my Baby Loss sisters out there... your support over the last few days has been much needed, and thorougly welcomed. I want to say that I'm feeling better, but I just don't feel better. I'm back in the full force pain of her loss, I don't just cry these days, I moan and weep, and everytime the thought of life without Kristen crosses my mind, I can't stifle the horrible sounds that are coming out of me....
Jenna has gone to her Nanny's house today, which is good. I probably really need a day like this all by myself to get out these horrible feelings. Why, Why, Why???? Why do we have to face this?? Why do I still have to think about Ken's cousin and his wife having their baby in just a couple of weeks... every time I face that reality, I feel like throwing up. And from every corner, people are telling me that when the time comes, I'll be strong enough to go meet that baby. BULLSHIT. I'm not strong, I'm so unbelievably weak....... I know to say it's not fair is cliche... but it just isn't. I know I don't deserve this. None of us do.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

And here comes the pain!

I thought I had been doing good.. well as good as can be expected.. I've had my moments over this past weekend, but for the most part, I've been doing okay.
NOWWWWW... reality hits. We're home again, I'm not distracting myself like I was when we were at Natasha's house. I'm here, and Kristen isn't. FUCK.
Every second is a reminder of what should be in my life, and what isn't. I just want to crawl somewhere and hide..........................
Just after I went for invitro with Jenna, and still didn't know if it was successful or not, my parents wanted to have a supper with my Brother, his wife, and their new twin babies (who had been a surprise after they dated for a month). I couldn't do it... I did go see the babies, I was okay with that.. but I couldn't see my parents with their new grandchildren, not when I had been trying so long to give them just that. My mom tried to let me know I was being a bit irrational by saying that my Grandmother had lost a toddler and was still able to visit her sister's kids. I was so upset... how could she even try to undermine what I was feeling. I love my mom, but that stung.... It still stings, I have thought about that conversation soooo many times since. Maybe if I had known at the time that the invitro had worked, and that I too was carrying one of their Grandchildren, I would have been able to handle going to supper.
It's inconcievable to think of losing a child at any age. I don't know how I would be if I had lost Jenna, and not Kristen... but I do know that I love Kristen as much, with every fibre of my being. And that I wish that I could have had her until she was a toddler.. to know the shape of her smile, and the color of her eyes, to be able to comfort her when she was hurt, and most of all to hear the sound of her laughter!
I would tell my my Mom that now I've seen both sides, and I cherish every second I had with my daughter, and to not have had her at all... I think that would have been infinitely harder... I needed to be called Mommy in this lifetime, and if we had gone back to that night again.. I know that I wouldn't trade losing my daughter for being irrational about never carrying a baby, and I still in that situation, wouldn't have been able to see my parents with those twins, at that point in our lives.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

surviving yesterday, and a killer!

Kristen, I love you, I miss you, I need you, I'm so sorry!

I don't know what I was thinking.. I guess I wasn't thinking much passed the 'due date', maybe I thought that things would somehow get easier once I got through yesterday. Of course it hasn't... I'm waking up this morning in such a horrible fog of misery.. she should be here now, if she wasn't already up to this point, she would definitely be here now. We should be marveling at her beauty and innocence, looking into her eyes for the first time and giving her the first of a million and one kisses. But she's not here. My arms are empty, my heart is hurting, my head is trying to wrap itself around all of the never to happens.
I drove 7 hours on Friday to come stay with a good friend because Ken made it offshore in the morning (sometimes, if it's too foggy, his chopper doesn't fly, and he's home for a few more days) so once I knew he wasn't going to be around, I called Natasha and came to crash at her place. Getting away definitely helped me get through yesterday. At first I didn't know if I could handle being around people. But when I woke up Friday morning, I knew I couldn't stay at home. So here we are. Natasha is still asleep, but miss Jenna doesn't ever give me that option, so I'm up writing. Which is probably exactly what I need to be doing right now anyway. I know we'll get through all this, and I know that I'm in a better place emotionally than I was a few months ago. It still just really sucks!

On a completely different note, there was an escaped killer, the dude was close to 500 lbs, chased by the police yesterday on a highway a few miles from my parents house! Apparently he had taken a 72 year old farmer hostage on Monday after his escape, and then made a run for it, (He left the man unharmed thank Goodness) And yesterday afternoon the cops caught up to him, they had a shootout, then he got his vehicle stuck in the ditch, and ran into the field, where he was shot. Apparently he's still alive, and in hospital. It was a tense few hours and the highways were closed. My parents live in a completely rural area, and don't ever even lock their doors! I don't even know if they have a key to the house anymore, even when they go away for a week, the house is left open! So I was a little worried about them for a little while!
Anyway, lol... sorry about the title! Couldn't help myself :p

Saturday, March 19, 2011

dreaded due date

Today was the day I was scheduled to have my sweet baby girl... she was with us on this side of heaven for a few short hours, but she'll live in our hearts forever. Kristen, you were wanted desperately, loved endlessly, and are missed terribly. Rest in peace my angel.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Putting it in motion

Here we are, planning again. I'm scared to death! But, I can't imagine not having another baby. So, I had an appt with my RE yesterday, Ken had planned on coming too, but ended up having his training course rescheduled on him, so he couldn't make it. Long story short.. she was glad to see me again, at my six week appt, I told her that I wasn't really ready to think about actually going again.... and she said she had worried that we wouldn't. She's fairly confident she can get me to term, if invitro is successful again (I'm also scared my luck is going to run out there one of these times too) With of course a cerclage. So the ball is in motion. Ultrasound is booked, just to make sure there are no other fibroids lurking in my womb, and I'm calling our fertility clinic in Vancouver to have a chat. YIKES!
Went last night to a concert with my hubby and his brother, very nice to get out and just enjoy the music. I like Newfie music (very close to Irish Celtic) and my husband is a fanatic, every cd that comes out he owns.... so this was a good mix from a number of local bands. Ken's only home for a couple of more days (and he's in training for both of them) but at least he'll be here in the nighttimes until Friday. Three weeks flies by wayyy to fast.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Friendships

I don't have the energy to keep my friendships any more. I love my friends, and most have been supportive to me... but I just don't have the desire, except for a few of my closest, to call or visit with anyone anymore. I wonder if they'll survive, if these friends of mine will miss my calls, and make the extra effort to see me, or if they'll fall by the wayside. Things have fallen into a whole new perspective, and there really isn't much anymore that falls into the 'important' category. Family of course, that was always first... but other than that, like I said, I just don't have the energy!
I spend my days, taking care of Jenna, and keeping my house in a organized state of chaos.. and blogging. Right now, all of you other Mamas are extremely important in my life! You give me hope, and reassurance, which is exactly what I'm needing! Maybe someday, I'll turn off the computer and turn to some of my old friends (who knows if they'll still be there for me) but for now... this is okay.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wishing


I wish that I had more to say these days. Or more positive anyway... things just seem to be the same. I'm stuck in this cycle of doing okay for a few days, still thinking every moment of Kristen, still being reminded in sometimes slap in the face ways, that I'm not pregnant anymore. Then horrible, meltdown, crying, ANGRY day, and back again. I don't feel like things are getting better. They're not as bad as the first months seemed to be... but only marginally improved, and no big leaps of healing anywhere in my sight. I can talk about her more now, and I find myself searching of opportunities to speak of her. I want to be able to tell people that I had my daughter, that she was beautiful and perfect, and just because she's not here, doesn't make me love her any less! I want to tell them that she was a fighter, that her little heart was beating for five hours! And most of all, I don't want people to think that because she was born so early in my pregnancy, that she wasn't a part of my family! My heart aches for her, and for every family that has lost their little angels!
All that's on my mind lately is my dilema with trying again, and I think that people are soon going to get tired (if they're not already) of reading about my issues with carrying another baby, and whether or not I have the strength to go through all of this again! I have another appt with my fertility doc on the 15th, and hopefully she can ease some of my fears. I made the appt mostly for my hubby, who wasn't at my six week check up, and has questions of his own.. but he now has training courses that day that he can't get out of. So I've been trying to get him to write down exactly he wants to know from her. I have a feeling she won't be able to really tell him what he wants to hear anyway. He wants definite chances and statistics, and we all know how those numbers have failed us all already. There are no definites, and there's only chance. With our situation, the chance is riskier than I'm comfortable with. My doc says that if we want to try again she's 75% sure she can get us to term, I've told Ken this already, I don't know what else he needs to hear. So who knows where we're going from here (or where I'm going with this rambling) If I haven't lost you already, I'll apologize for leading you in circles!!

Warning

I found this video on facebook (yes I broke down this morning and decided to see what's going on in my world of 'friends') Anyway, it's beautiful and powerful, but it also contains pictures of very young babies, and some pregnant women, which may be hard for some Mamas to watch..... The song speaks of infertility, and that is something I'm all to familiar with, Jenna was an invitro baby, and so was Kristen. We have tried so hard to build our family, and I know that alot of you out there are experiencing the same journey. I just wanted to share.....

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

11 days...........

My husband is home again, and I've been feeling like I don't have enough time to sit down and blog. I've been reading everyone's faithfully, but to organize my own thoughts enough to form sentences.. that hasn't happened in a while. It's a good thing to be kept busy, it keeps me from dwelling, which is what I tend to do when left to my own thoughts. But, I feel like I'm filling up inside, and if I don't write things down the pressure keeps building, I need the release blogging gives me. Weird addiction, but it helps so much to just be able to sit here and let my fingers fly over the keyboard, every letter eases my tension!!
I haven't been writing, but it doesn't mean things have gotten any easier, most of my thoughts are consumed by what ifs, and if onlys...... I think about Kristen constantly, I think that if things had worked out in our favor, she would be here by now. I probably never would have made our due date... Jenna was a month and a day early. They were going to start monitoring my cervix on Dec 14th, if only they had done that earlier. She would probably be here now with us. That is hard to wrap my head around, I should have a newborn baby in my house now. We should be sleepless, and frazzled, and completely blissfully happy. Instead, I'm sleepless, frazzled, and miserable!
The rational me says that Kristen would be here now, and that March 19th is just another day. Had things gone well, I would have looked at the calendar, and told Kristen 'this is the day we had planned for you to arrive.' The emotional me is heading toward March 19th, kicking, screaming, and threatening utter chaos! Once that day has come and gone, my link to my pregnancy is over. It's a wierd feeling, wanting to hang on to the 'I should still be pregant' I don't know why I have these thoughts at all.... I guess right now I've lived thinking she should still be inside me, I've spent my time trying to come to grips with that... I haven't ventured into the I should have a baby now mode, and it scares the hell out of me! Right now I shy away from pregnant women... and although I can handle seeing babies.. I'm okay with them. Something tells me that's about to change. That this new chapter is going to be just as hard, if not in some ways harder. I'm going to spend my days looking at children and thinking of all the moments Kristen is missing. I haven't really allowed myself to do that yet. I hate seeing girls with baby sisters though, it tears me apart inside that Jennas sister is in heaven.....
So as we get nearer to my due date, I'm still torn. I don't know what I want to do on that day. My husband is going to be offshore again, he leaves the day before. Part of me wants to be alone, and part of me wants to spend it with Jenna. Part of me wants to be kept busy so that I can get through it, and part wants to sit at home with the curtains closed and bawl my eyes out. I'm hoping I can come up with an answer soon, so at least I'll know what to do with myself... it's going to suck no matter what!