Saturday, April 30, 2011

Happy List Saturday



I've come to love Happy Lists, it's nice to sit and reflect on my week, and to find the happiness that I can so easily forget about otherwise!

1. I had a bittersweet Easter. The holiday itself was good, Jenna made the day pretty terrific with her excitement and innocence this year! I missed Kristen terribly, but am happy for the time with family!

2. I'm happy that things are moving ahead with invitro. I'm scared to death of the big picture, and I'm focusing on taking things one step at a time!

3. I'm happy that I got to meet another amazing BLM face to face this week! Jane is Noah's Mommy and I met her through the faces of Loss website, although there isn't a group here in St. John's, Jane has her phone# listed, and we finally sat down and had a coffee, and a great conversation!

4. As always, I'm happy for my family. Ken's crew change day is shifting, and it worked in his favor this time, he has an extra four days with us, and it's so nice to get that extra time!
Jenna has been sick this week, she actually woke up with a cold Easter morning, but she's a trooper, and despite being horribly sick, she still has a sweet temperment. I'm happy she's finally on the mend!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Here we go again!

It looks like we'll be heading across the country June 12th. It's funny because I'm excited about the trip... My SIL and her two girls are going to meet us in Vancouver, and hang out while I'm there (Ken's actually going to be offshore, it'll be me and Jenna going, I have his swimmers chillin there on ice already!) And I'm excited to go home to GP after our invitro excursion... but the actual baby-making part of me is, well...meh! I have everything pushed so far back in my mind as a defense mechanism, that I sometimes almost forget the whole reason that I'm doing this! I did the same thing the last two times as well.. I try to downplay the fact that I might actually become pregnant, in case I don't! I don't know if would actually help me cope if I came home with a BFN, but it's just what I do. When we went for Jenna, I didn't allow myself to get excited about the pregnancy until quite far into it... I had been through so much to get that far, that I didn't want to let my walls down. With Kristen, I was cautiously optimistic for the first trimester, then I was ecstatic! Why wouldn't we be bringing a baby home?! I remember even (naively) telling Ken's uncle, that now that I had reached 20 weeks, we were safe! HA. Stupid, stupid me!
This time, god only knows how I'm going to act/react/cope... I'm hoping of course that I end up pregnant, but that's as far as I really let myself think. 22wks, I guess if I make it that far, I'll deal with it. I'm almost exactly on the same timeline.. I'm flying out two weeks earlier this time around, so depending on how my body is reacting to the treatment, and how the embryo(s) (if we end up with any) are doing .. I'll be due right around two weeks before my due date with Kristen! I'm glad it's not any closer than that!
I'll be posting all the way through of course, I can't imagine life before blogging! It's been my key support system through this whole process, and I'm thankful for all of you!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I like to be alone sometimes.. in fact I've always needed 'my space' fairly often. It took my husband a long time to get used to this part of me, and he's learned to read my signals, and knows when to give me the time that i need. I'm not talking days or weeks, just an afternoon now and then away from everyone, whether I stay home by myself, or go for a drive... I like my own company. Or at least I used to. Now, I find that if I get my alone time, I spend it crying, and dwelling. In a way it's good... I know that I'm supposed to let myself cry when I need to, but I hate that that's how I spend my time. Alone time is rare when you have a two year old, it's not so easy to just escape. Not that I'm complaining, I can only imagine how much crying and dwelling I would do if Jenna wasn't around to keep me distracted!! But I feel it's just another way my life has been altered, just another part of the 'new' me that I need to adjust to! I'm sick of adjusting, I'm sick of trying to come to grips with this person that's taken my place. She's mopey, and miserable! She's short tempered, and she doesn't give a shit about very much any more. Brooke just posted today about all of the things that she used to be, and the new life she's living. I know that it's true for all of us, that we are shadows of our former selves. Does this go away, or do we get so used to it, that we forget who we used to be??

Monday, April 25, 2011

Baby Peter

I posted 'The Gift of Kristen Eva' in my very first blog posting, it was written by the woman who performed her service for us. Rosalind emailed me today to share another poem of hers. You see, Rosalind's mother experienced a stillbirth when Rosalind was a very small girl, at that time the baby was taken right away, and there wasn't much said about it. Rosalind has tried to find ways to honor her little brother's part in her family, including giving him a name! She said that she had called him Peter, somewhat after Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. She shared his story with my family at the service. It was a comfort to know the woman that we had chosen to say a few words for us, to some extent understood our grief, and was compassionate to say the least! I asked her if it was alright to share Baby Peter with all of you, and she said gladly!

Baby Peter
(Our Brother)
By Rosalind (Reardon) Pinsent

For years I have carried you
In my heart and in my mind
And wondered with passing time.

I've heard so much about you
And the struggle that you had
How no one saw your beautiful face
No one but our Dad.

Now, I didn't fully understand
The story that was told
I just knew we lost a brother
A precious, little soul.

But I remember, Little Baby
As a child standing by the gate
Something was wrong inside our home
And I knew it was too late.

Though I was but a tiny child
I could see all was not well
All was silent, no singing heard
But why, I could not tell.

But as I grew I came to know
What happened on that day
How you were born without life
And they had taken you away.

An understanding of our God
Was my heart's constant song
Know, Little Baby
with our Dad you now belong.

So I baptized you in God's name
The Son and Spirit too
I named you Baby Peter
Restoring dignity to you.

Though we have never seen you
We have found a way
To reunite our family
You have come home to stay.

A little angel rests by a bench
That's carved in your memory
So with our Dad you are there
In spirit for eternity.

And healing comes to our Mom
Who lost you at your birth
Healing for us your siblings too
A gift to us on earth.

I am grateful for God's wisdom
That led us to you, our brother
Too young we were to share the grief
Of our father and our mother.

I know you are a part of the mystery
Of God's eternal love
Where healing flows from the throne
Of God's grace from above.

For nothing breaks the will of God
If we listen and obey
And that is why now, Baby Peter
Healing begins in us today.

Rosalind told us that not long before he passed away, her father, admitted to sneaking into the room that they had laid Peter after his birth. They had him in a dresser drawer (imagine) and he looked at the son he would never know. He had lived all those years without telling anyone, not even his wife this fact!

My favorite part of this poem, is the hope it gives me, that Kristen's memory will carry on in Jenna.

Couldn't hold my tongue any longer!

I had to say something, the first thing I saw on FB this morning was another status about how awful it is leaving her baby in the hospital! I know, for my own mental health, I should just stay off of FB, and for a while I did..... but it's become a habit again. Although, my blog is the first thing I log onto every day. I always want to check up on my blogging friends first.
Anyway, I was nice.. I think... this is what I wrote:
I know it must be tough... But please don't lose sight of your blessings... Jacob WILL be coming home with you! Believe me, the waiting is a small price to pay.
Sending you love, and prayers for strength!
Hope I didn't offend her by it, but maybe coming from me, she will be able to see the big picture, and again be grateful in the fact that her baby is with her on earth, and will someday soon be home with her family.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I have a friend who I had lost touch with for quite a few years... truth be told we had a HUGE falling out, and never spoke for a long long time. We did however add each other as facebook friends! Kind of ironic. Anyway... I noticed from her posts over the last years that they were trying unsuccessfully to have a baby, and finally were resorting to invitro. I used this as a way to make peace with her.. we had something in common again (the falling out was really stupid anyway, just two really stubborn people involved) So, they ended up going a couple of months before we did, and it worked, they were expecting twins! This was wonderful, and we chatted and emailed our way through our pregnancies.... until mine was cut short. We still chatted a bit, not nearly so much. And then she had her boys a month and a half early. One little guy is at home with them, and the other has been having a lot of trouble with infections and his intestines, so he's still in the hospital.. this is I think four months later. I feel for her, really truly, it has to be tough, and it must wear a person down. But she's been posting about how miserable it is lately, and just then put "another holiday in the hospital :(" as her status. I am having a really hard time not commenting! Listen lady, be thankful he is on the mend!! He has been doing excellent according to all previous notes and statuses... he just needs time to build up his strength. It's looking like he will live a normal life, once he gets to go home. Oh man how I would love to write "better in the hospital, then in an urn on your mantel!" grrrrrr! Sorry, her pity party doesn't match mine! I feel really awful for these negative thoughts, but it just makes me want to scream! They deserve there little guy.. but you know what... we deserve our daugher as well!
Happy Easter everyone.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What's in a name - Blog Hop

Rachel from A Lasting Footprint, is celebrating her 80th blog, and she's come up with the fun idea of a blog hop about our baby(ies) name(s)

I'll start with my first born... My crazy two year old:

Jenna Nicole
Jenna's name was decided for her a long time before she was even conceived. I always liked Jenna for a first name, and after I met Ken and his family, I liked the idea of using Nicole, his younger sister's name for a middle. Ken was okay with this, and we just always knew when we had a girl... her name would be Jenna Nicole!

Kristen Eva
We never found out Jenna's sex until she was born... I loved the surprise. But I had promised Ken that if we were lucky enough to have another baby, we would find out. Kristen had other plans, and hid herself nicely on all of the ultrasounds. We have a boys name too... Carter John (Carter because we like it, and John for Ken's Grandfather) But we were undecided on what we would call a girl. I like Caitlyn, and there are a few other names, but the name Kristen was one I thought of and discarded early in the pregnancy. When she arrived, I took one look, and decided she would be Kristen Eva (Eva for my Dad's Mom) Ken agreed, of course, circumstances being what they were, I think he would have let me pick any name I wanted..... but he was good with Kristen. Kristen means follower of Christ.. and Eva means life. Kind of funny now that I have found out the meanings... but she was Kristen Eva from the moment I met her! I have said her name in my mind a million times, and one day, while driving.. I realised that if you mixed up the letters.. you get Stinker... I would have most definitely would have teased her with that growing up... Jenna is my Monkey, and Kristen would have been my Stinker! She probably would have hated that! lol!!! That's alright.. Dad always called me 'Sherri Lynn with the hair on her chin'... because it rhymed, and bugged the crap out of me!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dear Kristen

My little angel,
I miss you, that hasn't changed. It seems like you are in my every thought, every heartbeat, every breath. You're always with me, just not in the way I would have preferred. I wish that we were adjusting to having a one month baby in the house.. imagine that.. you'd be a month old today had we made it to our c-section! Instead, it's been five long, lonely months. I miss you, I wish I could have seen you look up at me with the wonder of seeing the world for the first time. Wish that you had been surrounded by your family as you came screaming into this bright new world, ready for life! I miss you, I miss looking at your tiny perfection, trying to remember every detail of the miracle God gave to me, and then took back. I miss you.
You will always be the part of me that I miss the most.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Happy Saturday!

Happy List Saturday again! I'm not quite participating this week, I'm not making a list for myself... but, I want to dedicate my Happy List to a close friend this week, she is finally pregnant, and I'm actually truly "happy" about it!!!! No mixed feelings, no bottled up resentment towards her.. purely happy! I know why I'm okay with this pregnancy and not so many of the other friends who are pregnant right now.... She's been fighting the same awfull battle I have.. infertility. A is one of the sweetest people I know... so caring, and full of sunshine... she DESERVES this baby. After finally going through invitro, they found out yesterday that it has worked, and she is indeed pregnant!!!! I am praying, praying, praying, that this pregnancy will be healthy.. and that at the end she will take home the baby she's been longing for! If you have a spare moment... send a word up to the big guy for her and her husband will you?!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

decisions

I read recently that one Mama had realised that her baby was the last baby she had held. This is probably true for a lot of us, but I've been thinking about that over the last few days. I've decided that I don't want to hold anyone else's baby... until I've had another of my own, so that I have that opportunity again. And if that never happens, then maybe not until Jenna has children of her own! That memory of her in my arms will never be erased... but I like that she was the last baby I've held. So... I may in the future go to see some of my friends new babies.. when I'm stronger, or more at peace with their existence (or more specifically their existence, while my baby exists only in my heart) But no more baby holding! And if you knew the old me.. I was a baby holding machine... there was nothing I loved more than visiting friends with babies, and snuggling them (the babies that is, not the friends! LMAO!!) I would take any opportunity to hold somebody's baby!

Monday, April 11, 2011

arghghghgh!

So here we are... Paulette had her baby yesterday, and I found out this morning. It's a little girl. Dammit! I know that no matter what she had, it would hurt, but I was kind of praying for a boy. Now I have images of our four girls playing and growing together. Oh God, it hurts! Why do they get their little girl, and not us? It's easy for them to get pregnant... not that I wish baby loss on anyone.. of course I don't... but Why us!? I just want Kristen, I want my whole family!!!!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Happy List Saturday



Here we are again! The weeks seem to be flying by lately... in one sense that's good, in another... it takes me further from Kristen. Anyway.. happy thoughts, happy thoughts right!
Here we go:

1. My hubby is home again!!! You may find me on the computer a lot less in the next three weeks. Ken keeps me busy, and we have a ton of yardwork to do this time he's home. I actually love his schedule, I miss him when he's gone. But he's home now for three solid weeks with nothing to do other than spend time with me and Jenna!

2. We're getting closer to spring... there's still a bit of snow, and we had some flurries yesterday... but it's warming up, and the sun is shining more and more! Every time it snows Jenna says "but I want it to be spring Mommy!" She's ready to get outside and play too!

3. Still excited to go home in May! I can't wait to take Jenna to the rodeo.. I think she'll love it this year!

4. I'm feeling good today.. I have my moments still... but overall things have slowly been improving. That makes me happy!

5. Yesterday on the way home from town, after we picked Ken up.. I was bopping along to Jennas music, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt to be exact... anyway, I really was, singing and dancing away, when Ken caught me (I was so embarassed when I realised how goofy I must have looked!!) But it makes me a little happy to think back and realise that I still can have moments of abandon, where I forget myself, and just enjoy life... even if it's something as trivial as a children's song!

I know that there's more... but those are the big one's this week. So thanks again to Natasha! I hope she's having a great time on her retreat!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

My story

I thought it might be nice to write down a little of our story... a recap anyway!

So I guess I'll start with where I was in life in the years just before I met Ken. I had been working at the Alberta Motor Association doing vehicle registries and vital statistics for a couple of years... it was a pretty good job, but working with 30 women and their bickering and drama wasn't my idea of a great job! So I saw an ad in the paper for Schlumberger Wireline, they weren't asking for any experience. My brother is a Wireliner, so I figured if he could do it, then so could I! The job consisted of driving a five tonne truck to a oil rig, with a crew of two other people, rigging up our equipment (some of the downhole tools weighed over 300lbs!) Staying awake and alert INSANE hours! (One job I was up for 42 hours!) Rigging out again, and driving home. The job was tough, but the pay was great. I was the only female wireline operator in Canada for Schlumberger at the time! There are lots of female engineers... the operators are the grunts on the crew.. lol! So anyway I'm proud of that, I like it that part of my story!
That's where I was in life when I met Ken, I was independant.. owned my own home, and was loving my job! So a friend and I went to an Irish Decendants concert one night (worth checking out Jen they're a great band!!) And that's where I met my hubby! blah blah hit it off, started dating... a year later we bought a house together, and not long after, he proposed! I was doing dishes at the time, so that gives some insight into the hopelessly romantic husband I have! bahaha!
We got married 7 months later, and immediately started trying for babies. I would've had five if it had been easy for us!
About six months into trying I went to the doc to see if he could check into our fertility.. he told me that we had to have been trying for a year before they could do anything. Two weeks later, I booked another appt, and told him that it had now been a year! (I'm also impatient!) It was good that we had, because we found out that Ken has a low count (strike one), and that we would need to do invitro. So we booked an appt with an RE in Edmonton (closest we could get) Edmonton is about a five hour drive from GP, and we did a LOT of trecking back and forth over the next year. We found out in Edmonton at our first appt, that I had a fibroid, that would have to be removed surgically, before we could begin fertility treatment (strike two) So we waited three months to get in for surgery. I was prepped.. laying in the room waiting to go into the operating room, when the doc came in and cancelled (kind of a strike three) he said I would have to go home and rebook (completely wasted trip to Edmonton!) The earliest I could get in again was JUNE... three more months! Anyone who has been dealing with infertility probably hates waiting even a month when ttc! Anyway... surgery was a success (thank god!)
Then we decided to move across the country, which delayed things a bit more. In January 2008, we FINALLY went for our first round of invitro! That gave us Jenna, my sweet little girl! She was born a month early, but was completly healthy.
I would have started again for another when Jenna was about 9 months old, but we were in the middle of building our house at the time, so it was best we waited. As soon as we were finished building, I was off to Vancouver again (f you're wondering why we travelled across the country for this procedure, I plan on writing about this soon) Anyway, again success!!! I know that we were really fortunate that way, each time however we didn't have any frozen.. so fresh cycle this time, and if we go again, it'll be another fresh cycle (boo). And that pregancy was our other sweet little daughter, the one who lives in my heart, and in heaven! You can get to her story here (our biggest strike in our fertility struggles so far!)
So that's it in a nutshell. I'll write more at a later date, I'm sure this is long enough for now!!!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

nerves

I have this unsettled feeling that crept up on me sometime this afternoon... I'm edgy and anxious, and I just can't seem to shake it! I have about a million things that I could/should be doing, and I can't seem to find the focus or the ambition to get any of it done. I've been feeling good these past few days... truthfully, I've been forcing it a bit.. I've been shoving the true feelings back down when they try to resurface... maybe that's where this is coming from. I hate that though! I don't want to pay a price for trying to be a little brighter! I don't know what I need to do... actually I'm really wishing I had a punching bag tonight. That would probably take the edge off of this nervous energy!

Monday, April 4, 2011

ABCs of me:

Stole this from another blog:


A. Age: 33 doesn't bother me.. but somehow the fact that I will be 34 this year really does!!

B. Bed size: Queen. Wouldn't matter if we had two king size beds pushed together, my husband would end up crowding my side, and leaving me just enough room to sleep sideways.. sigh

C. Chore you detest: all of the indoor stuff :P

D. Dog person or cat person: Actually I have both and love them for completely different reasons.....

E. Essential start to your day: caffeine- NEED two cups to get me started

F. Favorite color: deep red

G. Gold or silver: gold

H. Height: 5 foot 3 and a 1/2

I. Instruments you play(ed): LOL... tuba, trumpet, violin... none very well although I claim to play a 'rousing rendition' of Mary had a little lamb on the violin

J. Job title: Domestic Godess

K. Kids: One here and one in heaven

L. Live: In rural Newfoundland, population 100! Mostly seniors.. Good times Good times!

M. Mom’s name: Reita

N. Nicknames: Sparky

O. Overnight hospital stays: too many to count.. childhood asthma, and a couple of surgeries, most recently the night Kristen was born

P. Pet peeves: Self Pity (even though I've been dishing out a lot of it in the last few months)

Q. Quote from a movie: "Life is hard- it's harder if you're stupid" John Wayne

R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: 1 my baby brother

T. Time you wake up: Jenna gets me up at around 7.. I would love it to be 8:30!

U. Underwear: whatevers comfy.. yup.. lucky guy my hubby is!

V. Vegetables you don’t like: green beans

W.What makes you run late: everything in the universe conspiring against me I'm sure

X. X-rays you’ve had: again, lots!

Y. Yummy food you make: I'm a foody, Love to cook, love to eat, so there's LOTS

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Probably the monkeys

Thought it'd be nice to post something a little fun tonight... Anyone else up for it??? I'd love to read your answers!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Mother's Day.....

Sending warmest thoughts and big hugs this Mothers Day to all my BLMs in the UK. Hope that your angels send you some peace on this day, as it can't be an easy one!
xoxo

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Happy List Saturday

Happy List Saturdays!!!
I've finally jumped on board with my happy list, and hope to do so from now on. The past few weeks, I'd look at everyone's happy lists, and wish that I could think of something to write. Today here it is:

1. I guess the first thing I have to be happy for, is finally coming out of the darker side of my grief (I know I'll probably end up visiting that place again in the future) But for now, I can think about Kristen and my heart is warmed by the blessing of having her in my life. Even for such a short time. For now... the clouds have lifted and I feel.. maybe not totally happy, but closer than I've been for quite a while!

2. I'll state the obvious, I'm so happy for my family, immediate and extended. Jenna brings me joy every day, even when I'm at my worst.. she lifts me up.

3. I'm happy that I've found blogging as a means for coping with all of the crap baby loss brings.

4. I'm happy that I'm planning on getting home in May! I miss my parents so much, and hate that they miss so much of Jennas life! I can't wait to see all of my friends and family, and just relax on the farm.

5. I'm happy we're moving forward and thinking about another baby.... even though it scares me. I can't imagine not trying again.

Thanks Aiden's Mommy Natasha, for helping to focus on the good in my life... Sometimes it's so easy to just dwell on the bad! I'm wishing all my BLMs out there happiness in some form today as well. xoxo