Sunday, November 11, 2012

Nope, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth! I've started quite a few posts in the past few months, but can't seem to finish them. Maybe this will just be another one added to my file! Life has been good, hectic, but overall good! Ken and I just spent 5 nights in Vegas... so much fun, and although it was stressful leaving my babies for that amount of time, it was also much needed!! I've been running with a pretty short fuse lately, and find myself expecting too much from Jenna. I have to remind myself constantly that she's only four, and she's going to test my boundaries. She's so darn smart, and most of the time she's absolutely adorable. I find it funny how the traits I love to see in her (she's independent and stubborn) are also the traits that drive me the craziest from day to day! Carter is a sweet tempered little man, and his toothy little grin melts my heart every time he flashes it. He's growing like mad, in fact he's a monster... he's wearing sleepers that are 18-24 months, and he weighs about 25lbs! Makes for very tired arms if I have to lug him around for any length of time. Lately he's sporting a very stylish corrective helmet... well actually it sucks, but I ordered a camouflage one, so nobody can see it (when he's sitting in a pile of leaves).... but it gets a lot of stares when we're out in public. Part of the problem with having a big baby that likes to sleep is that he doesn't move around enough at night, in fact no matter how I moved him, propped him, switched him around in the crib, he would end up in exactly the same sleep position, and his head is a tad bit, well... ahem.. flat. No problem if he always has a thick head of hair, but judging from his gene pool, he's likely going to go bald, maybe even at an early age. So we went ahead with the helmet. Poor little man needs to wear it for 23 hours a day for the next five months or so! Luckily he actually doesn't seem to mind it! I'll post pictures someday soon, I promise! I tell myself that with all the things that could have been wrong with my baby, this is minor! Kristen's angelversary is fast approaching, and it's been weighing heavily on me... I don't know what to do this year. I know we'll do a balloon release, and have some sort of cake or cupcakes for her... I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have extended family involved, or if it's something I want to do with just me and the kids (Ken's offshore this year) I have just over aweek to figure it out anyway. Here's piture of my little man from about two months ago, I really need to move some more off my camera, just not tonight! The little girl on the right is his cousin, and on the left is a neighbours baby.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Every life is a miracle.... whether we're here for a spark, or a flame that lasts 90 years or more. With tears streaming down my face, I thank God for all of my children. Jenna, Kristen, and Carter.... they truly are miracles, I had to fight for each and every one of them to join us here, and am so thankful that two of my babies are on earth with me! Four years ago today, my eldest was born. She's beautiful, and stubborn, and fiercly independant! She makes each day an adventure, full of laughter and amazement. I love her with a love I didn't know I was capable of, until I became a Mother! Happy Birthday my Sweet little girl!!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Wow! I've become a HORRIBLE blogger! I try to sneak on to read every day or so, but haven't had the energy to post an update recently! We're all here, all doing well! Everyone is growing, happy, and healthy! Mr. Man is sleeping through the night which makes me one very thankful Mommy! Our nighttime is typically both kids in bed between 7 and 7:30... Carter wakes around 6am for a bottle, and then sleeps again until 8 or 9, and Jenna is still up bright and early at 7am! This morning it was 6:56 to be exact.. and most mornings are the same! I could set a clock by that girl! So I really don't have much excuse for not being more present on here, other than being busy and tired most of the time! :) (good complaint really!) I sometimes still worry about Carter's development, the docs had me so convinced that there was going to be something wrong with him! I have to remind myself that his cousin who's 3 and a half weeks older, is actually 10 wks older gestationally... big differance there! So far he's smiley and talkative, so I don't think I have much to be afraid of... but it's one of those niggling fears in the back of my head, that I wanted to say out loud.. or write on a blog at least! It doesn't matter anyway, he's here and growing, and my heart could burst with the love I have for all of my babies, here and in heaven! So a friend of mine asked me if it was okay to honor Kristen in a memorial garden that was being built this summer for all of the children that have been lost in our area. The school that Jenna and Carter will attend built a new playground last month, and they decided that they were going to include the afformentioned garden. Of course I said yes! I'm so pleased that she thought of us, and Kristen's name will be added on a plaque along with a flower that has been planted in her memory! I missed the dedication, I had a sick kiddy that day... but will be posting pictures once the plaque is put in place. What an awesome awesome gesture! It truly meant so much to me! Especially to have her name at the school she should have attended with her sibblings! I fill up every time I think about it!
My silly girl who won't stay still for a picture unless she gets to make a face at the camera! :)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

One Year, Six Months, One Week, and Three Days

I'm going to start this post in the same manner as the one I wrote almost a year ago... thanking Angie at Still Life. This second round of Where I Am Right Now, gave me an opportunity to reflect on my grief and how far I've come in the last year. Kristen is still on my mind daily, it no longer hurts physically to think of her, well, not all of the time anyway! She's tucked into my heart and has become a part of me. Last year we were in the midst of a fertility cycle which led to a CRAZY pregnancy, I fought tooth and nail from nearly day one to bring my son home with us, the whole time thinking that if she had been here with us, I wouldn't have even tried to get pregnant again. I miss her, but I love my new baby.... it's a strange balance! In some ways I think it's easier for me having a baby boy now. I think I would have spent more time comparing a baby sister to what Kristen might have been. I still find myself doing that with the milestones her older sister meets, having a boy is just so different. I'll always wonder what she would have been like, what kind of baby she would have been, and what her personality would have been like. But I'm glad to say that at this point, I'm doing alright, I wouldn't have guessed last year, that this is where another year would find me!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A year and a half

The 19th of May hit me hard. I miss you still, sometimes more than ever. I was a weepy mopey mess all week without really knowing why, then I looked at the calendar. A year and a half without you, how can so much time have slipped past?! The day before the 19th a little girl was talking to me at Jenna's swimming lessons, she told me that her name was Sophie and that she was 6. "Is your name Kristen?" She asked me so innocently.... "No, It's Sherri" But I have a baby named Kristen, I so badly wanted to tell her. But how do you explain an angel baby to a six year old. Of all the names she could have asked was mine! I'll never forget about you sweet little baby of mine... even when 60 and a half years have slipped by, you'll still have your special place in my heart!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Long overdue update!

We're still here, and doing good! My days are a blurr of playing dressup, playdough, and Dr to stuffed animals, add to that housework, feedings and diaper changes, and I'm one very happy, extremely exhausted Mama! It feels like I don't have much to add, hence the lack of blogging! Carter is growing like crazy, and is such a welcome addition to our family. Jenna loves him, and is very protective! I love watching them together, she sings to him all the time, and is full of kisses for him! Here are the pictures we had taken a couple weeks after he was born:
And this one is a bit more recent:
I still miss Kristen, I think about her every day, and talk about her quite often, it feels like a liftetime ago, that horrible grief of new loss, but I've had twinges of it over the past week and a half, I truly have grieved for Becky.... the loss of her sweet baby Evelynn hit me hard. I seems funny to feel so sad for someone I've never met face to face... but we shared the same feelings of anxiety as our babies grew, that tentative joy that blossomed as we got closer to our due dates, I know how she was feeling during her pregnancy. Now I can only imagine how she feels, and I hurt for her!!

Monday, April 30, 2012

Baby Evelynn

I don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling after reading about Becky and her darling angel Evelynn... there are simply no words to cover the range of emotions rage, despair, helplessness.... none of them seem to touch what I've been feeling since yesterday. And I'm not Becky. I can't fathom what she and her family must be going through this past week! I have read other posts about this, and felt compelled to write as well... I don't know if you're going to be reading these blogs Becky... but please know that you are so loved, and so thought about right now! So many tears have been shed across the country, and perhaps even the world because of our virtual friendships. The bonds we've forged through our grief and anger have brought us close together even though we've never met. It's sad that there is a community of online grieving Mommies, but we're here, and we're definitely here for you right now!! Evelynn and Liam will never be forgotten! I feel so powerless because I know that there is nothing that can be said to lessen your grief right now. I feel so angry that something like this can happen to anyone, but especially to such a beautiful caring woman, such as yourself! And I feel just so very sad. I'm sending so much love your way Becky, I hope you feel some of it!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

From the haze of newborn life!

I'm doing really well, Carter so far is catching up on time missed in the womb and spends just about all of his time sleeping and eating. It makes it easy for us to adjust to having a new one in the house, but at the same time.... getting up for middle of the night feedings and then early with my toddler is taking some getting used to (not that I'm complaining) :D I'm trying to schedule him close to Jenna's routine, so I had both kids in bed by 7:30 tonight... we'll see how this ends up working out!
As promised, I'll give you his birth story, I still can't believe he's already here!
I made it to 35 and 4 with Jenna, so on Thursday the 9th, I was 35 and 5. We went to town that day to do some shopping, and there was a storm in the forcast. We debated on maybe getting a hotel in town, in case something might happen, but having made it as far as I had, I was pretty confident that I wasn't going into labour until the stitch was out. I had been saying to people all day that I was officially 'more pregnant than I'd ever been before', and was actually planning on writing a post that night on uncharted territory! lol..... imagine my surprise when my water broke at 9:45 that evening! The snow had started an hour before this, but we could tell it wasn't going to be a good night on the highway. Ken went out to brush off the truck, and I went upstairs to grab my bag and change pants (pointless) lol! I kept saying out loud to myself "don't panic, don't panic, don't panic!" I was terrified that labour was going to start any second! As we left we called an ambulance to come meet us on the way. What is normally an hour and a half drive took us more than two hours in the ambulance.... the driver had to stop three times just to clean snow off his wipers in order to see! Thank God I didn't actually go into full labour, other than a few contractions, I felt no real discomfort! When we got to the hospital we waited for a couple of other women to deliver before they could perform my section, and Carter arrived at 4:37am. I just remember closing my eyes and feeling absolute relief once I heard him cry!! So many months of waiting, hoping, praying were finally OVER!
His APGAR score was a 9, and other than a blip with his blood sugars and a round under the lights due to jaundice, this wee little miracle seems to be perfectly healthy! I'm so absolutely blessed to have him here with me after all these months of fighting!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

He's Here!!!!!!!

So happy to finally be home, Carter arrived on Feb 10 after an ambulance ride in a blizzard! LOL, perfectly unusual end to a perfectly unusual pregnancy! He's amazing, and I'll write more later, but here are a few pics of our new little man!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Uplifted by God's Glory this morning!

Found this on my facebook this morning, and had to share! There is beauty in God's work!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

More good news!

So I have no idea why my sugars were so high (they were at a 10) after my first glucose test... the second test results came back normal! Thank God, I don't really want to deal with any more pregnancy related complications than I already have! Carter is growing nicely, and measured 4lbs 5oz yesterday, just a pound under Jenna's weight when she was born!
The other really good news is that my Doctor is gone when I'm 39 wks, and she's willing to try to book my section the day she leaves, which would be Feb 24th.... I would be 37wks 6 days, so she's okay with that. She told me not to hold my breath, she may not be able to secure that date for me... but it sounds so much nicer than waiting until March... this is of course if I don't end up in labour after the stitch comes out at 36 wks! Here's to having a February baby!
I'm still feeling great these days, and the nurse yesterday commented on how I was able to walk without waddling yet! lol! I've lost a LOT of my strength after being on bedrest for so long, but mobility isn't an issue yet. Luckily, I've only gained 11lbs so far.... I was so scared I was going to blow up like a whale after being stuck in bed, but I've managed to eat fairly healthily (except for the 6lbs I gained over the 3wk Christmas break!)

Saturday, January 14, 2012

32 Weeks!!!

Hurray! I feel so much better after reaching this milestone. It helps to know that if we were still living in Alberta, the hospital in my hometown would take a baby at 32 weeks, where if he was born before that, he'd have to be flown to Edmonton for care. That tells me that this is a much safer gestation to be at now! I'm hoping that when the stitch is out in 4 weeks (FOUR WEEKS!!!!) that I'll go into labour right away. I'm supposed to be a planned section, but that won't be booked until 39 weeks, and I could go at any time in between. I'm afraid of having to race to the hospital for an emergency section, when I live and hour and a half from the hospital.... My labour with Jenna happened really fast, and by the time they had me wheeled from the hospital room up to the operating room, I was fully effaced! I still had a section with her though.
Anyway, I'm feeling really good for the most part, I've had some cramping lately, but nothing frequent or extremely strong.. so I've just been paying attention to how often it happens.
Praying for all my fellow BLMs especially the one's that have recently been admitted to hospital... it doesn't seem fair that we have to fight so hard for our pregnancies when so many women who don't deserve or want to be pregnant have babies every day! Something I'll never understand!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

30 wks 5 days!

And this time I double checked the title :P
Everything is going wonderfully baby/cerclage wise. I did get a call from my OB yesterday telling me that my sugars were high after the glucose test. sigh. Doesn't necessarily mean gestational diabetes yet, I have to go for the "yucky" test (her words not mine) and see from there. Of course it would just be something else to add to the list of things I've gone through with this pregnancy! LOL!!
Here's a quick recap, just for the fun of it:

1. Beta's rising after IVF, but not doubling... I'm informed it's probably an impending miscarraige.
2. Weeks 6-8 lots of bleeding and clotting, told to be prepared for the worst.
3. Week 12, do an Nuchal Translucency, since the baby measures a full week behind, and it could be developmental..... thickened measurement at the scan, Docs suggest doing an amnio.
4. Week 14... HUGE gush of blood... think for sure this is the end (yet again)
5. Week 17, Amnio performed... they broke my water during the procedure... Bedrest from here on out.
6. Week 21 find out that my cervix has continued to shorten despite bedrest. Down to half a centimeter, and emergency cerclage is put in.
7. Week 21-29 somewhere in here I lose my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. Week 30 possible Gestational Diabetes. ARGH!

I hope that maybe this will someday give hope to somebody who is dealing with some of the above issues..... and I hope they are as fortunate as we are!

Still... I'm here carrying this amazing little man, who truly has to be a miracle, and we're in what I consider to be the final stretch! I'm pretty sure this is one of the longest pregnancies EVER! I can't wait to meet Carter, and to start the next stage of our lives... one that doesn't revolve around infertility, but around our little family!