Tuesday, May 29, 2012

One Year, Six Months, One Week, and Three Days

I'm going to start this post in the same manner as the one I wrote almost a year ago... thanking Angie at Still Life. This second round of Where I Am Right Now, gave me an opportunity to reflect on my grief and how far I've come in the last year. Kristen is still on my mind daily, it no longer hurts physically to think of her, well, not all of the time anyway! She's tucked into my heart and has become a part of me. Last year we were in the midst of a fertility cycle which led to a CRAZY pregnancy, I fought tooth and nail from nearly day one to bring my son home with us, the whole time thinking that if she had been here with us, I wouldn't have even tried to get pregnant again. I miss her, but I love my new baby.... it's a strange balance! In some ways I think it's easier for me having a baby boy now. I think I would have spent more time comparing a baby sister to what Kristen might have been. I still find myself doing that with the milestones her older sister meets, having a boy is just so different. I'll always wonder what she would have been like, what kind of baby she would have been, and what her personality would have been like. But I'm glad to say that at this point, I'm doing alright, I wouldn't have guessed last year, that this is where another year would find me!

14 comments:

  1. Congratulations on your son. I found having a baby after Lucia died to just make me more present. I had to be. I didn't sort of sit in the past, or wonder about the different futures I could have. It made me appreciate right now in a way I hadn't done since she died. Sending love to you, and appreciative that you shared in this project. xo

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  2. It's amazing how difficult it is to guess where we will be in a years time isn't it?

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little Kristen Eva. She's just beautiful. And congratulations on the arrival of your little boy.

    I lost one of my girl-girl twins to premature birth and have subsequently had a little boy and so much for what you say rings true for me. Although I desperately wanted another girl (which sounds so silly and shallow) I know what you mean, that I would perhaps have spent longer thinking about what a little girl was like in comparison. But a boy was just such an unexpected surprise and yes, I think it has made it easier.

    I think we'll always wonder, what they would have been like, what their personalities would have been like. So hard to know so little, I wish we didn't have to wonder.

    Love to you, enjoy your new little son and remembering your precious Kristen xo

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  3. It's almost impossible to imagine things almost a year ahead, but reading the stories on this linkup has given me a hope for the future that I desperately needed. Thank you for sharing your story. Thinking of you and Kristen Eva, she is beautiful.

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  4. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Kristen Eva. I had a boy after I lost my firstborn girl and like you said, I think I would spend a lot more time comparing had my second child ben a girl.

    I'm glad you are doing okay. It is so crazy how much change can happen in a year.

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  5. "She's tucked in to my heart". That's such a beautiful way to look at things, and that's how I feel as well.
    Kristen is a beautiful baby. I'm so sorry she's not with you. Glad to hear your son arrived safely. Pregnancy after loss is so very hard.
    xo

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  6. My subsequent baby was also a boy, having lost Freddie, our first boy after 4 girls. We did want a second boy very much and jam so glad we do have him, but he has tangled my memories of Freddie and I do find it confusing.

    I am so glad to read the positivity here, among the hard bits.

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  7. I'm so glad to read how far you have come and that you have your little rainbow baby to get you through the days.
    She is truly tucked in your heart and always will be.

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  8. So glad to read of your subsequent. What a long and arduous road of grief we walk. You capture it beautifully, both the love and heartache. Thanks for taking part in this project.

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  9. Congratulations on your son, light and love to you.

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  10. So happy you have your rainbow baby. I just welcomed our rainbow son into our lives on April 29th. It changes grief for sure...thank you for sharing right where you are <3

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  11. Love to you and all your gorgeous children... near and far xoxo

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  12. Thank you for taking part in the project - it's amazing the difference a year can make. You're right - parenting after a loss is a strange balance. I'm so sorry your beautiful Kristin isn't there with you, and so glad that your son is.

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  13. I wished you well for your cycle in last year's comment. I'm so glad it brought you your son.

    I talk about Emma being tucked in my heart too so I loved that image of Kristin.

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